Stillbirth is NOT “Rare”

Miranda Hernandez

One of the things that bothers me when I share any part of Adrian’s story is this undercurrent of, “But this is so rare. This would never happen to me.” Here is why that attitude is dangerous—⁠
⁠
1. At current rates of 1 in 160 pregnancies, stillbirth is not rare. The fact is, you already personally know at least one person in your life who has experienced stillbirth. You likely know many.⁠
⁠
2. Even if stillbirth, or any other tragedy, were uncommon enough to be considered rare, you also have to consider impact. If your child were stillborn, what would be the impact on you? And would it be any comfort to you that stillbirth “only” happens in 1 out of 160 pregnancies? Or would it be life-changing, regardless?⁠

Stillbirth is here, and real, and permanent. And when you wake up every day without your living child who should be almost 4 years old, the fact that his death is “rare” becomes pretty meaningless.⁠

Related Posts:

Pregnancy Blog: Stillbirth & Statistics; What does it mean to be “Rare”?

1 in 160 feels like such a small number until you put it in context. For the parents of a stillborn child, 1 in 160 will always be one too many.

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Excerpts from Miranda’s Blog: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be “Rare”?

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Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"? — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"?

Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"? — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"?

Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"? — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"?

One of the things I hear most often when I share any part of Adrian’s story is that stillbirth is “rare”. And I understand this. If I had heard that something happened in less than 1% of all cases, I might have considered it rare, too…Until it happened to me. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
One of the things I hear most often when I share any part of Adrian’s story is that stillbirth is “rare”. And I understand this. If I had heard that something happened in less than 1% of all cases, I might have considered it rare, too…Until it happened to me.

If I had heard that something happened in less than 1% of all cases, I might have considered it rare, too…Until it happened to me. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
If I had heard that something happened in less than 1% of all cases, I might have considered it rare, too…Until it happened to me.

I think the problem with using words like “rare” in place of actual numbers is that it’s a description that renders those numbers abstract. Our brains are so unused to thinking about statistical concepts that we classify these things as either likely, e.g. I’m likely to have a flat tire at some point in my life; or practically impossible, e.g. I will never win the lottery. But we do a really poor job of thinking about all of the possibilities that lie in between. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
I think the problem with using words like “rare” in place of actual numbers is that it’s a description that renders those numbers abstract. Our brains are so unused to thinking about statistical concepts that we classify these things as either likely, e.g. I’m likely to have a flat tire at some point in my life; or practically impossible, e.g. I will never win the lottery. But we do a really poor job of thinking about all of the possibilities that lie in between.

If I told you that something happened 1 out of 160 times, would you consider that rare? What if I put it in context? What if, for example, every time you crossed the street, you were subject to a 1 in 160 chance of being hit by a bus? Or in more positive terms, let’s argue that one in 160 lottery scratchers yields $100. Do you find yourself looking at those numbers differently now? — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
If I told you that something happened 1 out of 160 times, would you consider that rare? What if I put it in context? What if, for example, every time you crossed the street, you were subject to a 1 in 160 chance of being hit by a bus? Or in more positive terms, let’s argue that one in 160 lottery scratchers yields $100. Do you find yourself looking at those numbers differently now?

Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"? — Download for Instagram
Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"?

Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"? — Download for Instagram
Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"?

Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"? — Download for Instagram
Title: Stillbirth & Statistics; What Does it Mean to be "Rare"?

One of the things I hear most often when I share any part of Adrian’s story is that stillbirth is “rare”. And I understand this. If I had heard that something happened in less than 1% of all cases, I might have considered it rare, too…Until it happened to me. — Download for Instagram
One of the things I hear most often when I share any part of Adrian’s story is that stillbirth is “rare”. And I understand this. If I had heard that something happened in less than 1% of all cases, I might have considered it rare, too…Until it happened to me.

If I had heard that something happened in less than 1% of all cases, I might have considered it rare, too…Until it happened to me. — Download for Instagram
If I had heard that something happened in less than 1% of all cases, I might have considered it rare, too…Until it happened to me.

I think the problem with using words like “rare” in place of actual numbers is that it’s a description that renders those numbers abstract. Our brains are so unused to thinking about statistical concepts that we classify these things as either likely, e.g. I’m likely to have a flat tire at some point in my life; or practically impossible, e.g. I will never win the lottery. But we do a really poor job of thinking about all of the possibilities that lie in between. — Download for Instagram
I think the problem with using words like “rare” in place of actual numbers is that it’s a description that renders those numbers abstract. Our brains are so unused to thinking about statistical concepts that we classify these things as either likely, e.g. I’m likely to have a flat tire at some point in my life; or practically impossible, e.g. I will never win the lottery. But we do a really poor job of thinking about all of the possibilities that lie in between.

If I told you that something happened 1 out of 160 times, would you consider that rare? What if I put it in context? What if, for example, every time you crossed the street, you were subject to a 1 in 160 chance of being hit by a bus? Or in more positive terms, let’s argue that one in 160 lottery scratchers yields $100. Do you find yourself looking at those numbers differently now? — Download for Instagram
If I told you that something happened 1 out of 160 times, would you consider that rare? What if I put it in context? What if, for example, every time you crossed the street, you were subject to a 1 in 160 chance of being hit by a bus? Or in more positive terms, let’s argue that one in 160 lottery scratchers yields $100. Do you find yourself looking at those numbers differently now?

Pregnancy is a scary time, and it feels like so much is outside of our control. I think there is also this unconscious assumption that stillbirth just happens, and that there is nothing we can do. (This is wrong.) And even if it weren’t, this kind of attitude would only keeps us from developing better prevention and solutions. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
Pregnancy is a scary time, and it feels like so much is outside of our control. I think there is also this unconscious assumption that stillbirth just happens, and that there is nothing we can do. (This is wrong.) And even if it weren’t, this kind of attitude would only keeps us from developing better prevention and solutions.

Pregnancy is a scary time, and it feels like so much is outside of our control. I think there is also this unconscious assumption that stillbirth just happens, and that there is nothing we can do. (This is wrong.) — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
Pregnancy is a scary time, and it feels like so much is outside of our control. I think there is also this unconscious assumption that stillbirth just happens, and that there is nothing we can do. (This is wrong.)

Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency.

Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency.

Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency.

In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160.

In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160.

Pregnancy is a scary time, and it feels like so much is outside of our control. I think there is also this unconscious assumption that stillbirth just happens, and that there is nothing we can do. (This is wrong.) And even if it weren’t, this kind of attitude would only keeps us from developing better prevention and solutions. — Download for Instagram
Pregnancy is a scary time, and it feels like so much is outside of our control. I think there is also this unconscious assumption that stillbirth just happens, and that there is nothing we can do. (This is wrong.) And even if it weren’t, this kind of attitude would only keeps us from developing better prevention and solutions.

Pregnancy is a scary time, and it feels like so much is outside of our control. I think there is also this unconscious assumption that stillbirth just happens, and that there is nothing we can do. (This is wrong.) — Download for Instagram
Pregnancy is a scary time, and it feels like so much is outside of our control. I think there is also this unconscious assumption that stillbirth just happens, and that there is nothing we can do. (This is wrong.)

Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency. — Download for Instagram
Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency.

Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency. — Download for Instagram
Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency.

Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency. — Download for Instagram
Simple fact: in the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. If we were talking about something meaningless, I could maybe understand the use of words like “rare”. But this isn’t meaningless. This is important. This is a sad, and in many cases, preventable, emergency.

In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. — Download for Instagram
In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160.

In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. — Download for Instagram
In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160.

In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160.

In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160. — Download for Instagram
In the United States today, 1 out of 160 pregnancies ends in the death of the child at or after 20 weeks gestation. 1 in 160.

Please use caution when thinking about statistics. 1% is quite a lot when you’re talking about the death of a child. You may consider it “rare,” but it’s really a matter of perspective. And from where I’m sitting, 1 in 160 is one too many. — Download or click "P"/Save button to post to Pinterest
Please use caution when thinking about statistics. 1% is quite a lot when you’re talking about the death of a child. You may consider it “rare,” but it’s really a matter of perspective. And from where I’m sitting, 1 in 160 is one too many.

Please use caution when thinking about statistics. 1% is quite a lot when you’re talking about the death of a child. You may consider it “rare,” but it’s really a matter of perspective. And from where I’m sitting, 1 in 160 is one too many. — Download for Instagram
Please use caution when thinking about statistics. 1% is quite a lot when you’re talking about the death of a child. You may consider it “rare,” but it’s really a matter of perspective. And from where I’m sitting, 1 in 160 is one too many.

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Notes for the Bereaved - There is NO time limit on grief. Take whatever time you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

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I'm lighting a candle in honor of my son Adrian. 15 October is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. - Sea Glass Parenting

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Trigger Warning

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Time doesn't "heal" anything, not by itself. Medical care and self-care can be healing, if desired. Time is only a measure of the length of the process. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

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You should be thankful for the children you have

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I deserve enthusiastic support, both in life and in grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Deserve Enthusiastic Support Both in Life and Grief

Baby loss thank you card: I met you on the worst day of my life, and you helped make it more bearable for me. Thank you for being part of my care team. - Sea Glass Parenting

I met you on the worst day of my life and you helped make it more bearable for me (Customizable Grief Thank You card)

Sometimes I'm just— Tired. An exhaustion that goes beyond the surface; an exhaustion that is more than just physical. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes, I’m just—Tired

My son Adrian James should have been going back to school this week too. Sea Glass Parenting

My child should have been going back to school this week too (Customizable!)

Notes for the Support Team - It's easy to disappear in times of tragedy. It's hard to live with yourself afterwards. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s Both Easy & Hard to Disappear After Loss

Memorial birthday invitation: If beaches and sandcastles remind you on your deceased child, this memorial birthday invitation is the perfect way to honor them on their birthday. Download and edit on your own computer, or visit the Canva template link below to customize in Canva. - Sea Glass Parenting

Building Sandcastles in honor of a deceased child’s birthday (memorial birthday invitation)

Please don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you’re prepared to hear the truth.

Please don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you’re prepared to hear the truth

Sea Glass Parenting Stillbirth Awareness sticker: "1 in 160 is NOT rare; It's a freaking emergency. #StillbirthHappens #LetsTalkAboutIt" in a white notebook

1 in 160 isn’t ‘Rare’; It’s a Freaking Emergency—Stillbirth Awareness (sticker)

Birthday wishes after death card: Thinking of you with love on your child's Birthday. [Blank inside.] - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you on your child’s birthday [Blank inside] (birthday wishes after death card)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Someone should be building a snowman today" on a scrapbook page with an image of a snowy day

Someone should be building a snowman today—Baby Loss Winter Remembrance (sticker)

Notes for the Support Team - Pregnancy after loss is one of the most beautifully life-affirming and also simultaneously terrifying events your loved ones can experience. If your loved one has shared this news with you, it is likely because they trust you. Be worthy of that trust. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Mirror Reality in Pregnancy After Loss

Baby loss greeting card: No words will make your child's death better. So I will simply say: I'm sorry; I love you; and I'm here. - Sea Glass Parenting

No words will make your child’s death better (Customizable support card)

Children. Aren't. Replaceable. Speech bubbles: "Don't you have other children?" "Are you guys trying?" "Things will be so much better when your new baby gets here" "My cousin adopted" "Blah blah blah"

Children. Aren’t. Replaceable

Yes, you can parent a child even after their death. #SeaGlassParenting

Yes, you can parent a child even after their death…#SeaGlassParenting

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "There's a stocking missing this Christmas" in a scrapbook with an image of a Christmas tree

There’s a stocking missing this Christmas—Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

Baby loss birthday card: Before I ever carried the pain, I carried you. And in my heart, I carry you still - Rachel Whalen. Thinking of you with so much love on your birthday and all year round - Sea Glass Parenting

Before I ever carried the pain, I carried you. And in my heart, I carry you still – Rachel Whalen (baby loss birthday card)

I have grown as a person since the death of my son...But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

I have grown as person through the death of my son, But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to

Notes for the Bereaved - It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s not your job to make other people feel comfortable

The most biologically normal thing in the world is death. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Death is biologically normal

"This is my [Fill in the Blank] Mother's Day. Thank you for remembering and honoring my child and my motherhood this year" in blue text inside a white circle surrounded by a yellow abstract design. Five pink and green flowers surround the image.

This is my Xth Mothers Day. Thank you for remembering me. (Customizable!)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Missing someone special at our table this year" in white lettering underneath a Thanksgiving meal and a teddy bear. Sticker is on a scrapbook page with an image of a family meal

Missing someone special at our table this year—Baby Loss Thanksgiving Remembrance (sticker)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: It wasn't your fault. Rewritten: I understand emotions can be complicated, and I'm never going to tell you how you should feel. I am here though, if you ever want to talk about things. I will always be an ear to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It wasn’t your fault

Info card: "Supporting a Loved One after Pregnancy & Infant Loss" sitting on a gray desktop next to two pencils

Supporting a Loved One after Pregnancy & Infant Loss (printable information card)

Notes for the Support Team - Be cautious of projecting your experience or your feelings onto your loved one. Even under similar circumstances, their experience is likely to be different than yours. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Be Cautious of Projecting Your Feelings

Affirmations for Bereaved Parents bookmark sitting on a white notebook next to flowers.

Blunt Affirmations for Bereaved Parents (Printable Bookmark)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original question: Why didn't you…? Rewritten: I have no idea what I would have done were I in your place. I will certainly never second-guess your decisions. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Why didn’t you…?

Prayer is appreciated… ...When it has been invited. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Prayer is appreciated…when it has been invited

Memorial birthday card: On your daughter's Birthday—Although I never met her, please know your daughter made an impact on my world. And this year, on her birthday, I am thinking of you both with so much love. - Sea Glass Parenting

On your child’s birthday, please know they made an impact on my world (memorial birthday card)

Rare is little comfort when it happens to you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Rare” is little comfort when it happens to you

"I'm here if you ever want to sit in awkward silence" - something good to say to people after tragedy

Support can be awkward and still be helpful

I am thankful for my daughter and also missing my son at the same time. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Thankful AND Grieving, at the Same Time

Baby loss greeting card: In your arms or in your heart, Honoring your fatherhood on Fathers Day and always. - Sea Glass Parenting

In your arms or in your heart…Honoring you this Fathers Day (Customizable Baby Loss Fathers Day card)

Memorial birthday poem card: If they asked me to describe you, I would start with your eyes. Though I never got to see your eyes; just your long eyelashes. If they asked about your first word, I would have to shrug. (Though statistically of course, it's almost always "Dada". ) If they asked about my hopes for you, my biggest hope was always that you would have felt loved. It was important to me that you feel loved. I think about these things we've missed; these forks in other roads. I think about the life that lives on only in my mind. If they asked me to describe you, I would start with your eyes—At once both real and ambiguous,; unknowable outside of mine. Happy Birthday to my little one. You will always live in every part of my life. (Words by Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother) - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you on your birthday; and all the memories we’ve missed (memorial birthday poem card)

Original statement: "Positive vibes only." Rewritten: Authentic vibes only. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Positive Vibes Only”

Baby loss greeting card: I'm not going to BS you by trying to make your tragedy "better," so I'm simply going to say: This sucks & I'm here. Like, REALLY here—Not only to pick up your groceries or walk your dog, but for all of the messy parts that come with loss, too: Cancelling appointments, planning a funeral—Even if you just want to call me at 3am to vent or cry or scream—You name it and I'm here. ALWAYS. - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m not going to BS you; This Sucks (Customizable support card)

Notes for the Support Team - It is far easier for you to reach in than it is for the bereaved to find the strength to "reach out".

“Reach Out” or Reach In?

My child died and I am thoroughly uninterested in being "strong" about it.

My child died, and I am thoroughly uninterested in being “strong” about it

Baby loss greeting card: As much as I hate that the experience of child loss is so common, I am also thankful for the companionship and community I've found with fellow bereaved parents like you. Thank you for being one of the good parts of my new world. - Sea Glass Parenting

As much as I hate that child loss is so common, I am thankful for community with bereaved parents like you (Customizable thank you card)

Notes for the Bereaved - You are allowed to have uncomfortable and inconvenient feelings. You are allowed to feel anger, shame, embarrassment, or guilt. You are allowed to feel jealous. Child loss is hard. Life in general is hard, and humans are imperfect creatures. Feel whatever you need to feel. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are allowed to have uncomfortable and inconvenient feelings

Public Service Announcement: Back Up Your Photos. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Public Service Announcement: Back Up Your Photos

Original Statement: Grief is a passage, not a place to stay. Rewritten: Grief IS. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is a Passage, not a Place to Stay

Informed Pregnancy Brochure describing my experience going overdue in pregnancy and outlining risks and warning signs of problems in pregnancy (side 1)

My Experience Going Overdue in Pregnancy (Brochure)

Why shouldn’t I celebrate today, when I know that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Celebrating Today because Tomorrow isn’t Guaranteed

One of the hardest parts about pregnancy and parenting after loss: Not knowing if the children born after loss would still exist if the loss hadn't happened. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If my loss hadn’t happened, would my subsequent child still be here?

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "'Rare' is little comfort when it happens to you. #StillbirthBreakTheSilence". Sticker is on a white notebook

‘Rare’ is little comfort when it happens to you—Stillbirth break the silence; 1 in 160 (sticker)

Thankfulness is not a cure for grief

I did not have "a stillborn". I had a stillborn CHILD; a human being. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Did not Have “A Stillborn”

Feelings are always valid, Even when they aren’t rational; Even when they are "negative"; Even when other people wish you felt differently. Feelings are always valid. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

Feelings are ALWAYS valid

My experience feels a lot more valid when I remove all the “buts”. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My experience feels a lot more valid when I remove all the “buts”

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Let's cheer you up. Rewritten: I understand your grief is heavy right now. I'd like to support you in whatever ways you need. Would you like to tell me about him? Or maybe we can go for a walk. Whatever you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Let’s cheer you up

Deceased birthday remembrance card: Thinking of you on your child's Birthday And holding you both in my heart with love. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you on your child’s birthday and holding you in my heart with love (deceased birthday remembrance card)

Notes for the Bereaved - Sometimes the most meaningful thing anyone can say to you is "This fucking sucks." Because it does. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes the most meaningful thing anyone can say is, “This fucking sucks.”

Everything says it's not my fault, but does it really matter? Are you any less gone?

Can we talk about the phrase, “It’s not your fault”?

Memorial birthday wishes card: This year on your Birthday, I'll blow out your candles for you. And my wish will be a promise to love and remember you always. Happy Birthday to my beautiful baby boy - Sea Glass Parenting

This year on your birthday, I’ll blow out your candles for you (memorial birthday wishes card)

Baby loss greeting card: This fucking sucks. And I'm here for you in any way you need. - Sea Glass Parenting

This fucking sucks and I’m here for you (Customizable support card)

Birthday wishes for deceased loved one card: Happy Birthday little one. You are loved; You are missed. You are celebrated, today and always. Wishing you the happiest of birthdays - Sea Glass Parenting

Happy Birthday little one. You are loved, missed, and celebrated. (birthday wishes for deceased loved one card)

Baby loss greeting card: When the night is darkest, you are loved and I am here. - Sea Glass Parenting

I would paint the sky with their names if I could (Customizable remembrance card)

Notes for the Bereaved - Losing a child at any age is hard. It doesn't matter how far along you were. It doesn't matter if there was anything "wrong" with the baby or if he or she would not have been compatible with life. It doesn't even matter how many other children you have, either before or after your loss. You are always, always, ALWAYS allowed to feel whatever and however you need. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Losing a child at ANY age is hard

Baby loss greeting card: I'm so sorry for your loss. Your child deserved a lifetime of love with you here on earth - Sea Glass Parenting

Your child deserved a lifetime of love with you here on earth (Customizable sympathy card)

I think one of the hardest things I had to do was accept that grief isn't always overwhelming. Sometimes it just exists; present but not always screaming. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief isn’t always overwhelming

Refusing to talk about or even consider that death happens is not going to keep it from happening. Death isn't Rumpelstiltskin. It doesn't work that way. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Refusing to Talk About Death; Death Isn’t Rumpelstiltskin

Notes for the Bereaved - You are under no obligation to keep anyone in your life for any reason. You are allowed to protect your own peace. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are under no obligation to keep anyone in your life

Baby loss greeting card: I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel. I am here to listen though, if you ever want to talk or cry or scream. -Always- - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel (Customizable support card)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I know how you feel… Rewritten: I don't know how you feel, but I'm here to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I know how you feel

I constantly wish someone had told me stillbirth was SO VERY COMMON. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Wish Someone Had Told Me Stillbirth Was So Common

Baby loss greeting card: I know that nothing can make up for this enormous loss, and so I won't point you to any non-existent 'bright side'. Instead, I will sit with you while it hurts. - Sea Glass Parenting

Nothing can make up for the loss of your child, so I will sit with you while it hurts (Customizable support card)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Some stories simply don't have happy endings" positioned on a silver laptop on a pink background

Some stories simply don’t have happy endings—Baby Loss Awareness (sticker)

Pregnancy Notes Bookmark sitting on a white notebook next to flowers.

Pregnancy Reminder Notes (Printable Bookmark)

What doesn't kill you... ...Still hurts like a bitch. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

What doesn’t kill you…Still hurts like a bitch

This Halloween there are pumpkins missing in our house - Sea Glass Parenting

This Halloween there are Pumpkins missing in our house (Customizable!)

Memorial birthday invitation: A deceased child's birthday is still a birthday. Use this customizable balloon-and-cloud-themed invitation to include your loved ones in the celebration. Download and edit on your own computer, or visit the Canva template link below to customize in Canva. - Sea Glass Parenting

Toy drive in honor of a deceased child’s birthday (memorial birthday invitation)

Know the Warning Signs of Preeclampsia bookmark sitting on a white notebook next to flowers.

Know the Signs of Preeclampsia (Printable Bookmark)

My pain has a purpose. Please stop trying to take it away from me. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My pain has a purpose

Often when I share about my deceased child, people rush to give advice or hugs. I don't always need that, though. Often, all I really need is for you to listen. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Often all I need is for you to listen

Sea Glass Parenting baby loss remembrance shareable Instagram post: "I wonder who you would have dressed up as this year" in white text next to a cute ghost wearing a witch's hat, and carrying a broom and a pumpkin on a background of a dark Halloween night

I wonder who you have would have dressed up this Halloween

Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility. Rewritten: Trauma is not your fault.

“Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility”

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Look on the bright side. Rewritten: I know that nothing can lessen or make up for this enormous loss, and so I won't try to point you to any bright side. Instead I will simply be here. I'm so sorry for your loss. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Look on the Bright Side

Baby loss greeting card: Thinking of you and your child. You are both so loved. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you and your child; You are both so loved (Customizable remembrance card)

Memorial birthday invitation: If your deceased child were alive today, how might you be celebrating their birthday? Inviting your loved ones to join you in one of your child's favorite activities is one way to keep their memory alive. Download and edit this customizable invitation on your own computer, or visit the Canva template link below to customize in Canva. - Sea Glass Parenting

Invitation to share in your deceased child’s favorite activity (memorial birthday invitation)

Even as a bereaved parent, I still don't always know the right words to say. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

The Bereaved Don’t Always Have Words Either

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't owe anyone any explanations—not about your loss, and not about your grief. It's okay to tell people your story is none of their business. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t owe anyone any explanations

If you ask a widow about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a spouse. If you ask a bereaved parent about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a child. ...And they are both correct. Grief is not a competition. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is not a Competition

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: It's time to move on. Rewritten: I understand you grieve for and miss your child. What can I do to help you honor them today? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s time to move on

Memorial birthday card: One of the most beautiful ways to honor a deceased loved one on their birthday is to perform acts of kindness for other people. Use this customizable card to invite your loved ones to perform acts of kindness with you. - Sea Glass Parenting

Acts of kindness in honor of a deceased loved ones birthday (memorial birthday invitation)

Baby loss greeting card: I am so sorry for the death of your child. There is no place in this world or out of it that is better than in your arms. - Sea Glass Parenting

There is no better place than in your arms (Customizable sympathy card)

Sea Glass Parenting PAIL Awareness graphic: "This Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, Ask me about my child" in black text on a white background. A pink, blue, and green ribbon is centered in the image

This Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, Ask me about my Child (Facebook profile image)

Thanksgiving can be hard when you're grieving. It's okay if you don't feel like being thankful this year. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Thanksgiving can be hard when you’re grieving

Talking about my dead child isn't a "sad" thing. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Talking about my dead child isn’t a “sad” thing

Info card: "Ways to Celebrate a Birthday or Death Anniversary" sitting on a gray desktop next to two pencils

Ways to Celebrate or Observe a Birthday or Death Anniversary (printable information card)

Gentle wishes for bereaved Dads on Father's Day. May the day be kind. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Father’s Day

Notes for the support team - "Good intentions" are best revealed by changing behavior you've been informed is hurtful.

“Good intentions” are best revealed by changing behavior you’ve been informed is hurtful

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: He/She is with you in spirit. Rewritten: It must be so hard that he isn't physically here with you. What do you think he might be doing today if he were? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

He/She is with you in spirit

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't have to be a noble victim. You are allowed to be a fallible human being, just like the rest of the world. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to be a noble victim

Thinking of those who are missing this Thanksgiving and all year round. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of those who are missing this Thanksgiving (Customizable!)

Notes for the Support Team - When someone is in the thick of grief, "someday" is pretty meaningless. Sit with them in the hard parts, today, instead. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Someday” is Meaningless

"Dead" is not a dirty word. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Dead” is not a dirty word (B/W)

Brochure: "Resources for Military Supervisors Supporting Members after Child Loss" sitting on a gray desktop with a black pen

Resources for Military Supervisors Supporting Members after Child Loss (Printable brochure)

Baby loss greeting card: One firecracker shines so much brighter…it leaves an imprint across the sky. And the night feels forever changed. Missing and honoring your child, this year and always. - Sea Glass Parenting

One firecracker shines so much brighter, it leaves an imprint across the sky (Customizable remembrance card)

Sometimes it just needs to suck. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes it Just Needs to Suck

Some things have no bright side. It's okay to acknowledge that. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Some things have no bright side

I’m upset with movies and TV shows for making me think grief was just a phase. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I’m upset with movies and TV shows for making me think grief was just a phase

If a bereaved parent feels guilt or blame about their loss, simply telling them not to feel that way is not a solution. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If a bereaved parent feel guilt or blame about their loss…

Holidays are optional - Sea Glass Parenting

Holidays are optional

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "In life after loss, I hold pain and joy at the same time. Life is complicated that way, as am I" on a scrapbook page with an image of a person dancing at sunset

In life after loss, I hold pain and joy at the same time—Grief Awareness (sticker)

Everywhere I go, someone is missing - Sea Glass Parenting

Everywhere I go, someone is missing

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I can't imagine… Rewritten: Try. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I can’t imagine

"Babies come when they're ready." Not always. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Babies come when they’re ready”

Baby loss greeting card: I love you…so much. I'm so sorry for your loss. - Sea Glass Parenting

I love you so much. I’m so sorry for your loss. (Customizable sympathy card)

You are under no obligation to be healed—Not today, and not at any point in the future. It is always always ALWAYS okay not to be okay. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are under no obligation to be healed

Positivity is a choice, and not one you can make for other people. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Positivity is a choice, and not one you can make for other people

Sometimes I almost "forget" he is gone... And that is its own kind of hurt. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes I almost “forget” he is gone

Notes for the support team - Nobody is born knowing how to deal with grief. We are all just figuring it out along the way.

Nobody is born knowing how to deal with grief

Baby loss greeting card: When the night is darkest, you are loved and I am here. - Sea Glass Parenting

When the night is darkest, you are loved (Customizable support card)

Death isn’t something you ever “get over”. It’s something you integrate, and then reintegrate again and again. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

Death isn’t something you ever “get over”

My child should have been starting preschool this month. #StillbirthSucks - Sea Glass Parenting

My child should have been starting school this month (Customizable!)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Have you thought about adoption? Rewritten: I understand the idea of having children after loss is complicated. I'm never going to push you or ask you questions you aren't ready to answer. I'm here though, if you ever want to talk about it. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Have you thought about adoption?

Brochure: "Journal Prompts to Honor Your Child" sitting on a gray desktop with a black pen

Journal Prompts to Remember Your Child (Printable brochure)

We don’t have to meet every deadline. We don’t have to greet every day with a perfect smile. Some days require all of my energy to throw back the covers and put my feet on the floor. And on those days, that is my something. And on others, I have learned to bargain. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are under no obligation to greet every day with a smile

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original Statement: Having a birthday party for a dead child is weird. Rewritten: I've never been to a birthday party for a deceased child, but I'd love to honor him in this way. How can I help? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Having a birthday party for a dead child is “weird”

Grief isn’t sadness. Grief isn’t loss. Grief is what lives in those left behind. -Miranda Hernandez. Adrian's Mother

Grief is not Sadness; Sadness is not Grief

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Let me know if I can do anything for you. Rewritten: Can I bring you dinner this evening? Can I help you with the laundry? I'm going to the store this evening; can I bring you anything? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Let me know what you need

Life is hard, and we are all struggling at the same time. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Life is hard, and we are ALL struggling at the same time

Brochure: "Planning Your Baby's Funeral or Memorial Service" sitting on a gray desktop with a black pen

Planning your Baby’s Funeral or Memorial Service (Printable brochure and checklist)

My feelings are authentic and I own them completely. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My feelings are authentic and I own them completely

I think one of the things I've learned over the past few years since my son's death is that you never know what anyone else is going through. Even people who post on social media. Even people who are close. People keep a lot of pain below the surface. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

We have no idea what other people are going through

Sometimes there is genuinely nothing to be thankful for. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes there is genuinely nothing to be thankful for

Baby loss thank you card: Thank you for being part of my care team. Your kindness helped make this experience more bearable for me. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thank you for being part of my care team (Customizable Grief Thank You card)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Missing my Pumpkin this Halloween" with an image of a pumpkin, a ghost, and a bat. Sticker is on a scrapbook page with an image of a family at Halloween

Missing my pumpkin(s) this Halloween—Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

Baby loss greeting card: There is exactly one way to grieve—Your way. I am here to support you in all the ways you need. - Sea Glass Parenting

There is exactly one way to grieve—YOUR way (Customizable support card)

Death changes you. Permanently. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Death Changes You. Permanently.

Dear Prenatal Provider— Please educate your patients about stillbirth. We deserve to know the facts. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Dear Prenatal Provider—Please educate your patients about stillbirth

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't have to be brave. Bravery is ALWAYS a choice. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to be brave

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