Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)
Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

Share on facebook
Share on pinterest
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on print
Share on email
Share on facebook
Share on pinterest
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on print
Share on email

They talk about time being divided into “After” and “Before;” I wonder if anyone really understands this? When Adrian died, a large part of me died with him. It wasn’t that time that started flowing differently. It was that I was a genuinely different person. I thought so.

Life, Somehow Continued

When I was younger, I once auditioned for American Idol. I wasn’t serious. (Maybe a tiny bit). I mostly wanted the experience. I wanted to say I had tried. That’s the kind of person I used to be.

When I was pregnant with Adrian, I had to build a wall. I was never embarrassed, even when others thought I should be. I was still that strange Miranda, the one who wanted something out of the norm and made it happen. I carried my singleness and my son with pride.

After he died, after that scream, I shattered. It wasn’t that time flowed differently. It was a completely different life.

My new life was sadness. I lived in a hole. My greatest efforts went towards eating, and remembering how to form conversation. I was a shell pretending to be human.

Some people didn’t like this. Most didn’t understand. I looked like that person they thought they knew. She must be in there, somewhere.

Was I really in there?

For a while after Adrian died, I felt like a different person. I didn’t laugh much, or play silly games. The craziest thing I wanted to do was drive to a cabin with no power or phone. I was learning my new After.

Earlier this year I started taking voice lessons. I’m still not serious; it’s just something to pass the time. But I like it. It reminds me there’s still beauty in my world. It’s a sense of wonder. It’s one more link to him.

I don’t know how I feel about this concept of the After. I think it might be better to describe it as new life. Or life, somehow continued. Differently, but in the same skin. And pieces of the old me are starting to seep through.

There are things I’ll never change. There are things I’ve grown into. There are pieces that will never fit again inside this body. I am me, and I am different. There are things I don’t hold onto. This is all part of this new life. New lens. Old and new me.

Related Posts:

Adrian’s Chronological Story: Adrian’s Birth Story
Miranda’s Chronological Story: The First Days
Miranda’s Chronological Story: Coming Alive Again
Topics Page: Death Positivity
Topics Page: People & Relationships
Letters to Adrian: Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 6:28 PM
Letters to Adrian: Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM
Write Your Grief: The Second Death

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Share on facebook
Share on pinterest
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on print
Share on email
Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

31 March 2021 – Clarity

26 March 2021 – Landscape

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

AdrianHernandez_newborn-6 - Feature

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

27 March 2021 – Community

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top