If you were here, would I still feel lonely? I can’t think that my happiness rested on you.
“waking up” again after the fog of grief
I haven’t written, lately, because words have felt hard. I haven’t written, lately, because my attention hasn’t been focused on you. And I want to apologize, because I remember those early days when I thought I would never stop thinking about you.
I’ve told people that I feel more awake now, more present. I think I’m only now beginning to understand what this fork in our road means.
I’m awake now, and I hate it. But what I hate almost as much are the expectations on me. I eat and I sleep and I put on my uniform and people assume that because I do these things, I must be okay.
Crawling out of the early days and fog of grief after the death of my child and rejoining the world is one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life.