110 – Sun, Jun 3, 2018, 9:11 AM

California coast in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)
California coast in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

The first night I left the house after Alexis* left, I was in a daze. I had walked these streets playing Pokemon Go not even that long ago. It felt like another lifetime.

I don’t remember what I was wearing, probably still those ratty sweatpants. I do remember I only had sandals. They were all that fit my feet.

I waited until dark, and it felt like emerging from a tomb. Even walking with Amy had never felt this deep. I think it took me an hour to make that short trip, the one I used to do with you in about 30 minutes. I wish I had had the courage to scream.

And I cry today, I cry so often. And I wonder if I’m crying for him or for you. But I remember those days, the gasping enormity. How it took everything in me to open my door. And somehow in all of this, life just moved on. I’ve never moved on.

I miss you.

* Names have been changed to protect privacy.

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