Peanut and Adrian's Elephant (Sarah Perry Photography)
Peanut and Adrian's Elephant (Sarah Perry Photography)

Pregnancy after Loss & Peanut’s Birth Story

Miranda's Blog

Share on facebook
Share on pinterest
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on print
Share on email

A little over 13 months ago, and just by chance on Mother’s Day weekend, I made my first attempt at having a second child. That attempt was unsuccessful, and the following months were complicated and painful. It wasn’t until September that I felt ready to try again. So it feels like such a different world to know that this year, on Mother’s Day weekend, my second pregnancy was coming to an end.

Pregnancy After Loss and Peanut’s Birth Story

We were monitored much more closely this time. I saw my doctor twice monthly at the beginning and twice weekly at the end. We spent time with specialists and ran all the tests, and even on days I was terrified, I knew my providers were doing everything possible to keep us both safe. During our last month, I even found a sense of peace. This little girl was going to be okay.

So when my doctor called me this year on Mother’s Day weekend and asked me to repeat some tests, I wasn’t especially concerned. I was feeling well; she was moving; we were both going to be fine. And when he called again a second time, I still felt okay. And looking back now I can only feel grateful, because he caught the beginnings of both Preeclampsia and HELLP before they had the chance to fully develop. And because of this, for most of the past month, I’ve been enjoying life with the sweetest little girl.

Related: Miranda’s Blog: It’s so much more than high blood pressure; What I wish I’d known about Preeclampsia before it killed my child

She’s here, she’s real, and she’s absolutely perfect. She fills my heart in ways I can’t believe. She is not a rainbow, because my son was not a storm. They both exist, side by side, both a permanent part of me.

~

While I do share photos and details about Adrian on Facebook and other social media, I have chosen not to do so for my daughter. We live in such a different world today than I grew up in, and I’d like to keep some things private while she’s young. So for now, please welcome my brand new little “Peanut,” the sweetest part of my new world ❤️🥜❤️

Close up image of Miranda making a heart with her hands over her stomach prior to her first insemination procedure while trying for Peanut (photo taken by a friend)
Miranda before her first insemination procedure (photo taken by a friend)
Close up of midwife preparing for insemination. Midwife is holding a pipette preparing the semen for insemination. There is a tray of supplies on the table in the background (photo taken by a friend)
Midwife preparing for insemination (photo taken by a friend)
Miranda before her second insemination procedure. She is wearing a red and white striped shirt and laying in bed, with a blue baby blanket cuddled in her hands. She is smiling at the camera (photo taken by a friend)
Miranda before her second insemination procedure (photo taken by a friend)
Close up of two positive pregnancy tests against a white shelf. One test is an ink test, and the other is digital. The digital test says "Yes+"(Miranda Hernandez)
Positive pregnancy tests (Miranda Hernandez)
Miranda at five weeks pregnant, Twin Peaks, San Francisco. She is standing in the middle of the stairwell, making a heart with her hands over her belly, and staring off-camera, smiling (Richard Bae)
Miranda at five weeks pregnant, Twin Peaks, San Francisco (Richard Bae)
Maternity photo taken in Metauri Bay, New Zealand. Miranda is wearing a light blue maternity photo gown, open at the belly. She is lying in a field of wildflowers, and is looking at her belly. Adrian's footpring tattoo is just barely visible on her right ribs (Two Little Starfish)
Maternity photo, Metauri Bay, New Zealand (Two Little Starfish)
Black and white photo of Miranda and Peanut's Mermaid. Miranda is wearing black undergarments and is smiling down at the mermaid in her hand. (4th Trimester Bodies Project)
Miranda and Peanut’s Mermaid (4th Trimester Bodies Project)
Miranda in front of the ocean-themed cake at Peanut's baby shower. Peanut's mermaid and Adrian's elephant are positioned next to the cake. Miranda is smiling at the camera (photo used with permission)
Peanut’s baby shower (photo used with permission)
Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid sitting next to the ocean-themed cake at Peanut's baby shower. There are 3 maternity photos of Miranda sitting on the table in front of the cake (Miranda Hernandez)
Peanut’s baby shower (Miranda Hernandez)
Miranda's maternity photo taken in Pebble Peach, California. Miranda is wearing a white maternity gown, open at the waist. She is sitting on the sand in front of rocks and the ocean water (Sarah Perry Photography)
Maternity photo, Pebble Peach, California (Sarah Perry Photography)
Miranda and Peanut after birth in the hospital. Miranda is holding Peanut on her chest. There is a blanket covering both of them, and a ocean-themed pillow behind Miranda's head (Sarah Perry Photography)
Miranda and Peanut after birth (Sarah Perry Photography)
Miranda and Peanut at home. Miranda is wearing a green dress and dark blue robe, and is leaning over Peanut on the bed. Peanut is wearing a white onesie and is facing away from the camera. There is an ocean-themed pillow behind Miranda, and Adrian's photo is visible in the left side of the frame (Sarah Perry Photography)
Miranda and Peanut at home (Sarah Perry Photography)

Related Posts:

Miranda’s Blog: 1 January 2019
Miranda’s Blog: My Daughter is not a Rainbow; My Son was not a Storm

Featured in:

Miranda’s Blog has been featured in Scary Mommy, Pregnancy After Loss Support Magazine, Love What Matters, Up Journey, and Pursue Today. You can also find her on Quora and Medium.

Share this post via:

Share on facebook
Share on pinterest
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on print
Share on email
Footbridge on North Lake Tahoe (Miranda Hernandez)

Grief made me suicidal; These are some things I learned (Suicide Awareness & Prevention Month 2021)

Miranda's maternity photo. Miranda is wearing a pale pink form-fitting lace dress. She is sitting on an outdoor chair in a grassy backyard and is looking down at her belly while holding a flower (Modern Lux Photography)

When I was overdue, this is what I wish I knew

White letter paper on top on a brown envelope sitting on a dark wooden desk. The letter says, "A letter to the midwife who told me we were "fine"" in cursive lettering. There are light pink flowers and a piece of twine to the right of the letter. (Mybona, Getty Images)

A letter to the midwife who told me we were “fine”—

Mother holding a molly bear in a bedroom. The mother is wearing a loose white patterned kimono is snuggling into the bear with eyes closed. The bear is tan, with lighter cream markings. (Liz Morales Photography)

Here’s to the ‘Tog who Understands—

Graphic image of a green envelope holding a letter and a graphic photo of a mother holding a toddler and a stuffed elephant. The mother is wearing a long sleeved white shirt and has black hair. The toddler is wearing a light pink shirt and has medium brown hair. The background of the image is a blue gradient on top and a light blue box on the bottom. Graphic photo created by Megan Johnson; full image created in Canva

Our family doesn’t have a “Dad”, but we are so thankful for our Timothy

Graphic art of pregnant woman standing in front of an ultrasound machine. The woman has tan skin and is wearing a green dress. She is looking down at her belly. The ultrasound machine show an image of a pink elephant on the screen (djvstock2, smalllike, & clker-free-vector-images acquired from Canva)

There’s an Elephant in the Exam Room

Sharing about my deceased child doesn’t mean that I’m stuck or broken or even that I am actively hurting. It simply means I am a parent. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

STILL a Mama Bear, and STILL Pissed

Close up image of a stethoscope and a blood pressure machine (Rallef, Getty Images)

It’s so much more than high blood pressure; What I wish I’d known about Preeclampsia before it killed my child

Close up of mother holding toddler and stuffed elephant. Mother's eyes are closed and is facing down. Only the top left half of the toddler's face is visible.

Motherhood

Stylized image of a mother lying in bed, holding her stillborn child's hand (Megan Johnson)

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day 2021

A light gray stuffed elephant nestled between sage-green military boots

Identities

Miranda's black chiffon top and striped black and white skirt on the day of Adrian's funeral (Modern Lux Photographt)

Flashes of Memory; Dressing for the Funeral

How do you get past losing a baby? You don't.

How Do You Get Past Losing a Baby? (Quora)

I loved you from the moment I saw that second blue line.

Imperfect Memories; the Second Blue Line

Four-year-old girl sitting outside with her stuffed animal tiger. Image is close-up mainly of tiger in girl's arms (FamilyFotographer, Getty Images)

No, Daniel Tiger, Grown-Ups DON’T Always Come Back

Miranda wearing her bracelets with an elephant charm.

Life Thoughts from Subscription Boxes

"It doesn't always have to be a NEW beginning." overlaid on the Adrian's Elephant necklace photo (Miranda Hernandez)

It Doesn’t Always Have to be a NEW Beginning

Dried wild plants in North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Growing, Evolving…And Also Staying the Same

Close up of a white flower with skinny pointed petals, taken in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

The Words We Use Matter

Miranda holding Peanut and Adrian's elephant. Peanut's hand is wrapped around Adrian's elephant.

Illness, Worry, & Reflections

Collage of pictures of pregnant woman and woman with child with title of Preeclampsia & Stillbirth on the top.

The Ways we Discuss when we Disagree

Miranda holding Adrian's elephant on the coast in California.

Go, Go, Pause

Adrian's photo and candle in the Wave of Light, 2019

Wave of Light 2020

View from the top of Waimea Canyon, mountains covered in fog, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Luna Kai Photography)

What Would You Rather Not Know? (Quora)

Introducing the Sea Glass Parenting community; a community for parents after the loss of a child.

Introducing the Sea Glass Parenting Community

Rear view of Miranda facing the ocean. Miranda is wearing a loose pink shirt and her dark hair is down on her back. (Synch Media)

3 Years, 3 Months

White flowers on a tree (Miranda Hernandez)

The Phone Call you Never Expect to Receive; Supporting a Loved One After the Loss of a Child

Screenshot of Scary Mommy Article "Sharing Pictures Of My Stillborn Son Is Not 'Gross'" with a photo of Adrian and Miranda in the background.

The First Real Byline—Published in Scary Mommy

Sharing about my deceased child doesn't mean that I'm stuck or broken or even that I am hurting. It simply means I am a parent.

These are MY Words—Plagiarism in the Child Loss Community

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan established 15 October as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day | In honor of all children lost too soon, please consider lighting a candle from 7-8pm in your local time zone. This will create a "wave of light" that travels around the world. |  Learn more about pregnancy & infant loss and how to support a bereaved family in your life: https://AdrianJamesHernandez.com

Getting ready for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

The Worst Part of Child Loss | Miranda holding Adrian's photo in the mountains of Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

The Worst Part

Miranda's maternity photo with Peanut. Adrian's footprints are visible in the tattoo on Miranda's ribs (Two Little Starfish)

10 Things I Learned About Pregnancy After Loss (Pursue Today)

Palm tree over the ocean in late afternoon in Kaua'i, Hawai'i (MIranda Hernandez)

The grief of not getting what you didn’t want anyway

Woman using a fetal doppler at home (Trendsetter images)

Why I Support Banning Home Fetal Dopplers (Quora)

Orange wildflowers at Lake Tahoe (Miranda Hernandez)

It’s Always 29 June; Integration in Grief

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

1 June 2020

Blue dawnflowers at St Katharines’s Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

Why I Didn’t “Just Adopt”

Miranda with Adrian's elephant and Peanut's mermaid in the hospital (Sarah Perry Photography)

The Whirlwind of Pregnancy and Delivery After Loss

Mother's Day message from AdrianJamesHernandez.com

Mother’s Day 2020

Peanut with Adrian's Elephant

Cranky

Dark red flowers in shadow in front of a bright window (Miranda Hernandez)

The Problem With Positivity

Wildflowers in South Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

There But for Grace

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

Perspective

Heart in the sand, Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Daydreams

Close-up image of spiky pink flower. Flower ihas both dark pink and light pink petals, and a peach center. The background is blurred. Taken in Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

Why I Choose to Share Photos of My Dead Child on Social Media

Still water on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

What is the Worst Sound in the World? (Quora)

Bench on the shore of South Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Re-Evaluation & New Priorities after the Death of a Child

Cliff overlooking the ocean on a clear day (Miranda Hernandez)

Survivor’s Bias

Sunset over the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Tone

View from a butterfly cut-out, Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

Adrian’s Elephant Official Comment Policy, aka Things Not to Say To or About a Bereaved Parent

Waves on Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

I Fail at Grief Olympics

Safe pregnancy booth providing resources on safe and informed pregnancy and stillbirth prevention

Preventing Stillbirth Starts With Outreach

Wildflowers over Te Ti Bay (Miranda Hernandez)

“It’s Not Your Fault”

Pylons under a pier in California (Miranda Hernandez)

Why you shouldn’t ask a bereaved parent if they plan to “try again”

Found art of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

From one mother to another: A letter to the pregnant mother from one who is bereaved

Famous rock formation in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand. The feature is called Piercy Island, and is known for the "Hole in the Rock," but it looks like an elephant to me (Miranda Hernandez)

Elephants and Well-Meaning Words – “It’s not your fault”

Sunset over Lake Tahoe (Miranda Hernandez)

Stillbirth and Statistics: What Does it Mean to be “Rare”?

Tree branches over the Kawai'i coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Imagination

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Sea Lions

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid

More Than One Spectrum

Tree limbs over a pond (Miranda Hernandez)

Awareness Isn’t Enough – Preventing Suicide Starts with Understanding

Adrian's Elephant in his and Peanut's car seat

Baggage

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast

17 August 2019

Flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

The Things We Don’t Want to be True; Separating Victims of Tragedy from Ourselves

Empty storage container (Miranda Hernandez)

Sleepless

Quarters on tile (Miranda Hernandez)

Charlie’s Accident

Draft email (Miranda Hernandez)

Two Birthdays

Bench on the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago (Miranda Hernandez)

The bluntness I wish I could share where it’s needed

Adrian and Elephant

A Letter to My Son on His Second Birthday

Literature about tracking fetal movements (Miranda Hernandez)

#MovementsMatter, Today and Always

Peanut's feet with Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

First

Fenced walkway at Hatley Castle, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Paperwork and Taxes

Miranda with Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid (4th Trimester Bodies Project)

Third Mother’s Day

Daisies in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

From one mother to another; a letter to the recently bereaved

Ariel view of the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

When you’re going through tough times, remember that life is about so much more than feel-good messages you read online

Mountains of Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Warning Signs Prior to Adrian’s Stillbirth

Fog on the ocean in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Sometimes I DO want to give up, and you can’t “fix” that

A duck and its reflection, Assiniboine Park, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

My experience with the 4th Trimester Bodies Project

Full moon on a dark night, with clouds in front of the moon (Miranda Hernandez)

Midnight; Memories of Loss & Grief

Trees along the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago

Pregnancy After Loss; A Parable

Flowers at St Katharines's Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

My experience as a pseudo-rainbow baby

Sunset on the California Coast

“Strong”

Close up image of out-of-focus lamp. The aperture has been opened wide to over-expose the image (Miranda Hernandez)

Understanding

Valerian flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Why I track fetal movement religiously with my second pregnancy

Orchid cactus flowers in the gardens at San Juan Bautista

Dear Nature-Based Childbirth Educator

Fence on the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago

Perspective of a Non-Believer Following the Death of a Child (Quora)

View of the beach in Monterey Bay, California

Pleasant Surprise

Close up image of a sundial in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia. The sundial is weathered and made of gray stone. There are trees with pink blossoms in the background (Miranda Hernandez)

Why Getting Pregnant Easily Isn’t a Gift

Pier at Mission Bay Park, San Diego

Boomerang

Pier in Paihia, New Zealand

A Letter to My Mental Health Coordinator

Waves in Monterey Bay, California

The Slowest Kind of Panic

Sunrise in Kaua'i. Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Is Stillbirth really “Rare”? What does “Rare” even Mean?

Close up of a daisy (Miranda Hernandez)

“If She Dies, I Die”; Grey’s Anatomy, Life, & Echoes of Grief in Pregnancy After Loss

Bridge on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

The Fork in the Road

Bench on the Monterey Bay Coastal Trail

Grieving My Child Without God

Mount Douglas Park Trail, Victoria, British Columbia

This Timeline

Close-up black and white image of Miranda's pregnant belly in a field of wildflowers. The view is focused on the right side of Miranda's belly, and Adrian's footprint tattoo is visible at the top left of the photo. (Two Little Starfish)

Echoes; Reminders & Memories in Pregnancy After Loss

Virginsbower flowers in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia. The flowers take up the bottom left of the image, and there are out-of-focus trees in the background (Miranda Hernandez)

It’s Not About the Sunscreen

Ruins of Cannery Row 1, Monterey, California

Necessary Fear

Sunset over Koloa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Death and Taxes – Why the Federal Government Doesn’t Consider My Stillborn Son to be a Human Being

Miranda's maternity photo (Two Little Starfish)

Why I am celebrating every moment of this current pregnancy

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Please stop telling me everything is going to be “fine”

Amy Anne sitting on Miranda's bed, next to Adrian's ultrasound photos, Miranda's pregnant belly in the background (Modern Lux Photography)

The Story of Amy Anne

Easter Lily flower (Miranda Hernandez)

Claddagh Ring

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid

My Daughter is Not a Rainbow; My Son was Not a Storm

View of a small rocky island in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Yoga on a Saturday

Rustic staircase carved into a trail in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Hard Day

Rear view of a wooden bench looking out over Victoria, British Columbia at Sunset (Miranda Hernandez)

Waiting Rooms

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid

8 January 2019; Two Years of Memories and Looking to the Future

Pier in South Lake Tahoe, California

Grief Isn’t a Disease; That Quote from “The Interpreter”

Miranda on the beach in California. Miranda is wearing a dark blue and white striped dress and is facing away from the camera. Adrian's Elephant's foot is just visible in Miranda's hands. (Synch Media)

1 January 2019

Miranda with Adrian's Elephant during Adrian's Memorial on the California coast (@saltwaterandclay)

22 July 2018; Life is Hard but I’m Trying

Close up of healed footprint tattoo on Miranda's right ribs. Footprints are centered in the frame, and Miranda is laying on green grass with a white shirt pushed up above the tattoo (photo taken by a friend)

Friday the 13th

Daisies and Bluebonnets on Adrian's casket (Modern Lux Photography)

11 July 2018; Memories of Adrian’s Funeral

Trail in Pinnacles National Park, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Not Okay

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

Second Eulogy

Miranda and Elephant on the California coast

A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday

Adrian's Elephant

28 June; Memories from the day before my son was stillborn

Miranda and Elephant on the California coast

22 June 2018, 9:01am; Memories about Adrian’s Due Date & Warning Signs That Were Missed

Miranda and Elephant on the beach in California

21 June 2018, 4:58pm; Memories of my Last Prenatal Appointment before Adrian Died

Adrian's Elephant on Keālia Beach in Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

18 June 2018, 8:47 pm; Living in the Calendar after Loss

Driftwood log on the shore of Nukoli'i Beach park, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Not Fucking Fair

Adrian's Elephant in the Airport (Miranda Hernandez)

Home

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Sunrise

Miranda in Waimea Canyon State Park, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

My Seventh Trimester Body

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast

Birth

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia

Equidistance

Annual flowers in Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

A letter to my roommate, who puts up with far more than she deserves

Adrian Street sign in San Diego, California

San Diego

View from cliffs on the California coast

A Letter to the Woman Who Wants the “Perfect Natural Birth”

Dandelions over Te Ti Bay, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

I am a Mother

Adrian's things in Miranda's new home

Humor

Roses on rocks in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia

Everything Happens.

Bluebonnets on the California coast

Nature Isn’t Perfect

Car tire on the road

Second Hand

Burning candle at St Katharines’s Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

Desire

Sanddollars on Adrian's Elephant

Sea Shells

Sign found on sidewalk

Signs

Trail in Pinecrest, California

Life

Close up of Adrian's Elephant on Miranda's lap. Miranda is wearing blue jeans and white shirt, and Elephant is sitting in her lap facing the camera (Miranda Hernandez)

Pre-Pregnancy Jeans & the Struggle with Postpartum Weight Loss after Stillbirth

I Drink a Lot of Tea

Sunset in Arizona

I Miss My Phone

Rose on the ground at Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia

I woke up out of a sound sleep with these words on my lips

Toy car hidden in the grass

Favorite Holiday

Wildflowers and Adrian's Elephant

On Sunlight and Strength

Bench in California (Miranda Hernandez)

Things I Didn’t Get to Say in Response to Comments after the Death of my Child

Dahlia flowers at St Katharines’s Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

What Happens When a Type A Personality Grieves

Cherry blossoms in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Dear Pregnant Woman in My Office

Adrian's Elephant and expired milk, Government Canyon State Natural Area, Texas (Miranda Hernandez)

29 October 2017

Miranda with Adrian's name sign from Landon's Legacy Retreat, Whiteshell Provincial Park, Manitoba

30 September 2017; I Will Always Love His Name

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top