Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)
Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

079 – Wed, Jan 17, 2018, 4:24 PM

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That last week was the hardest. I remember when your Aunt Alexis* arrived. She seemed surprised when your due date came and went. I guess we had both always thought that due dates were so definite. It wasn’t until I was pregnant with you that I did the reading, that I realized that those things that are so casually portrayed on TV are of course not very real.

I remember that last visit to the midwife. You were 39 weeks and 6 days. I sat on the table, holding my enormous belly, and I told her I was ready, that everything was ready for you to come, but I was content to wait. We joked about induction. I told her I didn’t see any reason, not yet. I also told her that there had been less movement, that you weren’t as active. She didn’t seem concerned. I told her that my blood pressure was higher than was normal for me. She didn’t seem concerned.

She didn’t seem concerned, and I was oblivious. I didn’t know that sometimes babies die.

I went to the hospital the next day, to get my next NST. You were wiggly as usual; as I told your Aunt Alexis, you always “performed.” My blood pressure was high again, it was in the 130s. This is unusual, this was high for me. The nurse bustled around for a bit, left me on the monitor for longer, but then she told me I was fine. She wasn’t concerned. I was concerned, and she told me to go home. They still recommended an induction, but they never told me why.

I went to the grocery store every day, sometimes twice. They had blood pressure machines there, the heavy duty kind. My pressure stayed up, but then it went down. I didn’t understand why. I didn’t think to go back in.

The midwives didn’t want to see me again until 41 weeks. I didn’t know that I could ask to come in sooner. I wasn’t thinking. Nobody was concerned.

We went to see a movie on Sunday. You were so active. I thought you were reacting to the sounds in the theater. I got up halfway through to pee. I always had to pee. I thought that maybe I had peed a little in my pants. That definitely wasn’t uncommon. I wonder now if my water had started to break? I wonder if I didn’t know the signs?

You were so very active that day. I remember thinking, “This is where all your energy went.” It felt like you were having a dance party inside of me. I read later on that these spurts of activity are indicative of a fetus fighting with their cord. Why didn’t I know that then? Why didn’t I know I could go back to the midwives, back to the hospital? They would have put you on the monitor and we would have known that something was wrong. You died inside of me and I never knew anything was wrong.

I got in that stupid fight that week. I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know why I say these things, why I let my mouth run away from me. It’s never important. It’s never worth the conversation. I will never stop wondering if my emotions played some part; if I did this to you; if I caused your death.

When I woke up that first morning of your 41st week, I knew something was wrong. I had never in so many months slept the entire night through. But I still didn’t know that babies could die. I still didn’t know I had already lost you.

And I’ve told this story so many times, but I realize I never told it to you. Sometimes I wonder why I still keep this journal. Sometimes I wonder what the point is to everything. But I keep moving because I promised you I’d be okay. I’m trying so hard to be okay.

I love you.

~
* Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Related Posts:

Adrian’s Story: What Happened? (needs to be posted)
Miranda’s Story: Problems in My Pregnancy?
Write Your Grief: That Day

Letters to Adrian are real letters from a mother to her stillborn child. Letters are shared here in periodic batches.

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026 – Sun, Aug 13, 2017 at 6:17 AM

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049 – Tue, Oct 24, 2017, 5:26 PM

019 – Sun, Jul 16, 2017 at 12:17 PM

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093 – Wed, Mar 21, 2018, 4:18 PM

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125 – Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM

005 – 19w6d – Happy New Year

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

088 – Thu, Feb 15, 2018, 6:40 PM

030 – Mon, Aug 28, 2017 at 6:21 AM

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022 – Fri, Jul 21, 2017 at 12:18 AM

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113 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:02 AM

020 – Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM

Boulder on the shore of North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

129 – Tue, Jun 25, 2019, 9:11 PM

Dandelions over Te Ti Bay, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

121 – Mon, Jul 23, 2018, 9:04 PM

Full moon in Texas (Miranda Hernandez)

083 – Mon, Jan 29, 2018, 5:09 AM

Winter in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

096 – Tue, Apr 24, 2018, 11:09 PM

Dark and moody sunset over the ocean in Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

027 – Mon, Aug 14, 2017 at 12:15 PM

Adrian's Elephant

065 – Sat, Dec 2, 2017, 8:06 PM

001 – Hello

California coast in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

110 – Sun, Jun 3, 2018, 9:11 AM

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132 – Mon, Jul 1, 2019, 9:45 PM

008 – 31w6d – One Last Road Trip

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127 – Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM

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131 – A Letter to My Son on His Second Birthday

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086 – Tue, Feb 6, 2018, 3:52 PM

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072 – Sat, Dec 30, 2017, 10:51 AM

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101 – Sun, May 6, 2018, 12:13 AM

Shadows on a hike, California (Miranda Hernandez)

044 – Thu, Oct 12, 2017, 6:52 PM

Adrian and his Elephant in a field of bluebonnets (Anna Borden)

139 – A Letter to My Son on His Third Birthday

003 – 10w2d – A Little Bit of a Belly

Climbing vines on Hatley Castle, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

137 – Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 10:01 PM

Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (Miranda Hernandez)

034 – Mon, Sep 25, 2017 at 8:28 PM

012 – 39w6d(2) – So close!

Waimea Canyon, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Luna Kai Photography)

038 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 9:36 AM

Desert in California (Miranda Hernandez)

107 – Sat, May 19, 2018, 2:02 PM

Keālia Beach, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

040 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 5:43 PM

Hyacinth flowers, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

059 – Wed, Nov 15, 2017, 7:52 PM

Clouds, San Antonio (Skydive Lone Star) https://skydivelonestar.com/

048 – Sat, Oct 21, 2017, 8:37 PM

View through the plants on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

118 – Fri, Jul 6, 2018, 7:43 PM

Pier, Paihia, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

042 – Mon, Oct 2, 2017, 6:14 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

082 – Wed, Jan 24, 2018, 3:46 PM

Nasturtium flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

112 – Sat, Jun 16, 2018, 3:59 PM

Remnants of a building, California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

052 – Wed, Nov 1, 2017, 8:08 PM

Sage flowers in Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

134 – Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 1:34 PM

View from the venue for Adrian's memorial (Miranda Hernandez)

114 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:15 PM

Wooden structure in South Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

136 – Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 6:40 PM

Peruvian lilies in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

115 – Sat, Jun 30, 2018, 1:03 AM

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's feet (Sarah Perry Photography)

128 – Thu, May 23, 2019, 9:11 PM

018 – Sun, Jul 9, 2017 at 1:32 PM

Waves on Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

085 – Fri, Feb 2, 2018, 10:09 PM

Miranda and Elephant on the California coast

117 – A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday

Hiking in Pinecrest, California (Miranda Hernandez)

071 – Mon, Dec 25, 2017, 6:45 PM

Flowers in Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

133 – Wed, Jul 3, 2019, 11:32 AM

Sunset over Victoria - Feature

023 – Fri, Jul 28, 2017 at 5:18 PM

Tree and roots on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

122 – Tue, Jul 24, 2018, 9:28 PM

Walkway on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

120 – Thu, Jul 19, 2018, 12:47 PM

033 – Tue, Sep 19, 2017 at 6:35 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Northstar California Resort

089 – Sat, Feb 17, 2018, 3:55 PM

Koloa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

092 – Tue, Mar 20, 2018, 2:26 PM

View through the plants on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

119 – Wed, Jul 18, 2018, 1:10 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

075 – Tue, Jan 9, 2018, 10:04 PM

Pier in San Diego, California (Miranda Hernandez)

066 – Mon, Dec 11, 2017, 8:16 PM

Iceplant on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

080 – Sat, Jan 20, 2018, 4:09 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Pinecrest Lake

069 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 7:22 PM

Keālia Beach, Kaua’i, Hawai’i (Miranda Hernandez)

106 – Fri, May 18, 2018, 6:18 PM

Adrian's Elephant and Romeo

064 – Wed, Nov 29, 2017, 4:36 PM

004 – 12w1d – Your Tiny Feet

Miranda Maternity 2 - Feature

011 – 39w6d(1) – What does Mama look like?

Tree in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

057 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 6:28 PM

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135 – Wed, Aug 28, 2019, 8:04 AM

007 – 29w6d – Cravings and a Nest

Adrian James 3 - Feaure

016 – Wed, Jul 5, 2017 at 6:58 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant with Bumblebee

051 – Tue, Oct 31, 2017, 5:32 PM

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014 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 6:53 PM

View from a butterfly cut-out, Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

130 – Thu, Jun 27, 2019, 9:31 PM

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

081 – Tue, Jan 23, 2018, 8:29 PM

009 – 33w2d

Empty bench, California (Miranda Hernandez)

058 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 7:10 PM

Pinecrest Lake, Pinecrest, California (Miranda Hernandez)

070 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 9:12 PM

Koloa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i - Feature

017 – Thu, Jul 6, 2017 at 6:24 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

104 – Sun, May 13, 2018, 3:04 PM

031 – Fri, Sep 8, 2017 at 12:16 AM

029 – Tue, Aug 22, 2017 at 9:50 PM

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138 – Thu, Feb 6, 2020, 11:39 AM

Adrian's Elephant and Miranda's uniform top

056 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 8:29 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

055 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 6:48 PM

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123 – Wed, Aug 29, 2018, 3:16 PM

Shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago (Miranda Hernandez)

095 – Fri, Apr 13, 2018, 10:23 PM

028 – Wed, Aug 16, 2017 at 6:07 PM

Sunrise over the Pacific Ocean 2 - Feature

015 – Sun, Jul 2, 2017 at 8:19 PM

Stream, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

046 – Sun, Oct 15, 2017, 8:09 PM

Sanddollars on Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

043 – Wed, Oct 4, 2017, 7:43 PM

032 – Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM

Miranda's maternity photo (Modern Lux Photography)

067 – Tue, Dec 12, 2017, 9:42 PM

Kaua'i coast (Miranda Hernandez)

105 – Mon, May 14, 2018, 9:33 PM

024 – Wed, Aug 2, 2017 at 6:13 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

076 – Wed, Jan 10, 2018, 11:47 AM

Hollyhock in California (Miranda Hernandez)

116 – Sat, Jun 30, 2018, some time in the morning

Bridge in California (Miranda Hernandez)

102 – Fri, May 11, 2018, 11:56 AM

002 – 7w3d – Pickles and ice cream?

Staircase in California (Miranda Hernandez)

111 – Sun, Jun 10, 2018, 9:31 PM

Periwinkle in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

103 – Sat, May 12, 2018, 5:32 PM

Sunset in California (Miranda Hernandez)

060 – Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM

California Coast, Big Sur (Miranda Hernandez)

045 – Fri, Oct 13, 2017, 6:25 PM

Miranda's feet in the sand, New Smyrna Beach, Florida (Miranda Hernandez)

124 – Tue, Sep 4, 2018, 9:00 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

100 – Sat, May 5, 2018, 5:30 PM

Adrian's Elephant and Miranda's birthday cake

061 – Wed, Nov 22, 2017, 7:01 PM

Keālia Beach, Kaua'i, Hawai'I (Miranda Hernandez)

039 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 4:16 PM

Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (Miranda Hernandez)

037 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 3:02 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Chacchoben Mayan Ruins

053 – Sun, Nov 5, 2017, 1:07 PM

Flowers on a fallen tree limb, California (Miranda Hernandez)

054 – Mon, Nov 7, 2017, 8:10 PM

Vines, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

047 – Thu, Oct 19, 2017, 4:54 PM

Wildflowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

090 – Sat, Feb 24, 2018, 5:12 AM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

084 – Thu, Feb 1, 2018, 8:44 PM

Close up of yellow rose in full bloom on a sunny day in California (Miranda Hernandez)

021 – Thu, Jul 20, 2017 at 6:24 AM

Adrian's Elephant at Thanksgiving

062 – Thu, Nov 23, 2017, 1:51 PM

013 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 10:22 AM

Adrian's Elephant and his photo at St Katharines's Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

126 – Fri, Mar 29, 2019, 9:39 AM

006 – 20w0d – Are you dancing?

Adrian's Elephant at Adrian and Miranda's old house

050 – Sun, Oct 29, 2017, 1:00 PM

Winter in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

097 – Wed, Apr 28, 2018, 11:08 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

068 – Sat, Dec 16, 2017, 9:55 PM

Bench on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

078 – Mon, Jan 15, 2018, 11:32 AM

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

041 – Sat, Sep 30, 2017 at 8:30 PM

Park in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

099 – Wed, May 2, 2018, 7:46 PM

Bike path in California (Miranda Hernandez)

098 – Thu, Apr 29, 2018, 8:58 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

074 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 7:59 PM

Sunset in California (Miranda Hernandez)

073 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 5:10 PM

Wildflowers in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (Miranda Hernandez)

036 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 1:59 PM

Street art in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

087 – Wed, Feb 7, 2018, 4:16 PM

Wild Sunflower in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

035 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 11:09 AM

Street art in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

094 – Fri, Apr 6, 2018, 11:46 PM

Riverwalk from the shadows, San Antonio, Texas (Miranda Hernandez)

108 – Sat, May 26, 2018, 11:02 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

077 – Fri, Jan 12, 2018, 2:38 PM

Daisies (Miranda Hernandez)

091 – Sun, Mar 11, 2018, 1:10 PM

025 – Sun, Aug 6, 2017 at 12:26 AM

Tree in snow, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

063 – Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 9:45 AM

Miranda holding a white onesie towards the camera

010 – 38w4d – Almost there…

Garden art in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

109 – Sun, May 27, 2018, 8:35 PM

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

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