Snow in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)
Snow in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

101 – Sun, May 6, 2018, 12:13 AM

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I have days when I think I’m okay. I have days when I think, “I’m healed now. I can be a normal person again.” This started out as one of those days. And I never know when to expect any difference. I never know when your loss is going to sneak up and break me all over again.

I thought I was a person. I’m once again a husk. I thought I had started living. I can’t live without you. I am so constantly torn. I’m always missing you.

And people talk online about being positive and moving forward. I don’t hold that energy. There is no positive attitude that can hold your death. You’re always going to be gone from me. This is always going to be the life I’m living in your absence. The life that wasn’t meant to be. There is no “meant to be.”

And I feel these things, and I also love your sister. And I’m feeling the pain of this heart split in two. And I’m feeling new things, and I am starting to live again. And I hate it, and I love it. And I’m broken, and I’m new.

For three hours this evening, I was a normal person. For three hours this evening, I lived without pain. And I lay in my bed now, and it all comes rushing back to me. And I’m so thankful to remember I will never really lose you. I’m so thankful to remember, and to feel, and to love you.

I love you, little man. I always, always will.

 

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Miranda’s Blog: Everything Happens

Letters to Adrian are real letters from a mother to her stillborn child. Letters are shared here in periodic batches.

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Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

055 – Fri, Nov 10, 2017, 6:48 PM

Found art on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

127 – Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM

Stream, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

046 – Sun, Oct 15, 2017, 8:09 PM

001 – Hello

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

082 – Wed, Jan 24, 2018, 3:46 PM

Iceplant on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

080 – Sat, Jan 20, 2018, 4:09 PM

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094 – Fri, Apr 6, 2018, 11:46 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

088 – Thu, Feb 15, 2018, 6:40 PM

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133 – Wed, Jul 3, 2019, 11:32 AM

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038 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 9:36 AM

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099 – Wed, May 2, 2018, 7:46 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

077 – Fri, Jan 12, 2018, 2:38 PM

Rocks on the California Coast (Miranda Hernandez)

049 – Tue, Oct 24, 2017, 5:26 PM

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129 – Tue, Jun 25, 2019, 9:11 PM

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125 – Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM

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070 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 9:12 PM

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Adrian's Elephant and Miranda's birthday cake

061 – Wed, Nov 22, 2017, 7:01 PM

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Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

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Miranda and Elephant on the California coast

117 – A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday

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105 – Mon, May 14, 2018, 9:33 PM

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037 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 3:02 PM

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132 – Mon, Jul 1, 2019, 9:45 PM

006 – 20w0d – Are you dancing?

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120 – Thu, Jul 19, 2018, 12:47 PM

Remnants of a building, California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

052 – Wed, Nov 1, 2017, 8:08 PM

008 – 31w6d – One Last Road Trip

020 – Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM

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108 – Sat, May 26, 2018, 11:02 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

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Adrian's Elephant and Romeo

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107 – Sat, May 19, 2018, 2:02 PM

Adrian's Elephant and Miranda's uniform top

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044 – Thu, Oct 12, 2017, 6:52 PM

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136 – Thu, Sep 12, 2019, 6:40 PM

Miranda's maternity photo (Modern Lux Photography)

067 – Tue, Dec 12, 2017, 9:42 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant with Bumblebee

051 – Tue, Oct 31, 2017, 5:32 PM

Close up of metallic artwork in rustic red blending into blues and greens, found in California (Miranda Hernandez)

022 – Fri, Jul 21, 2017 at 12:18 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

104 – Sun, May 13, 2018, 3:04 PM

View through the plants on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

119 – Wed, Jul 18, 2018, 1:10 PM

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110 – Sun, Jun 3, 2018, 9:11 AM

026 – Sun, Aug 13, 2017 at 6:17 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Pinecrest Lake

069 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 7:22 PM

Sunrise over the Pacific Ocean 2 - Feature

015 – Sun, Jul 2, 2017 at 8:19 PM

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021 – Thu, Jul 20, 2017 at 6:24 AM

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's feet (Sarah Perry Photography)

128 – Thu, May 23, 2019, 9:11 PM

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

081 – Tue, Jan 23, 2018, 8:29 PM

Sunset in California (Miranda Hernandez)

073 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 5:10 PM

Garden art in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

109 – Sun, May 27, 2018, 8:35 PM

View from the venue for Adrian's memorial (Miranda Hernandez)

114 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:15 PM

Waves on Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

085 – Fri, Feb 2, 2018, 10:09 PM

Pier in San Diego, California (Miranda Hernandez)

066 – Mon, Dec 11, 2017, 8:16 PM

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097 – Wed, Apr 28, 2018, 11:08 PM

Bridge in California (Miranda Hernandez)

102 – Fri, May 11, 2018, 11:56 AM

Koloa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

092 – Tue, Mar 20, 2018, 2:26 PM

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098 – Thu, Apr 29, 2018, 8:58 PM

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071 – Mon, Dec 25, 2017, 6:45 PM

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135 – Wed, Aug 28, 2019, 8:04 AM

009 – 33w2d

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138 – Thu, Feb 6, 2020, 11:39 AM

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Tree in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

057 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 6:28 PM

Periwinkle in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

103 – Sat, May 12, 2018, 5:32 PM

Pier, Paihia, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

042 – Mon, Oct 2, 2017, 6:14 PM

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014 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 6:53 PM

007 – 29w6d – Cravings and a Nest

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087 – Wed, Feb 7, 2018, 4:16 PM

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Miranda's feet in the sand, New Smyrna Beach, Florida (Miranda Hernandez)

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086 – Tue, Feb 6, 2018, 3:52 PM

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

079 – Wed, Jan 17, 2018, 4:24 PM

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111 – Sun, Jun 10, 2018, 9:31 PM

Adrian and his Elephant in a field of bluebonnets (Anna Borden)

139 – A Letter to My Son on His Third Birthday

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017 – Thu, Jul 6, 2017 at 6:24 AM

030 – Mon, Aug 28, 2017 at 6:21 AM

Sunset over Victoria - Feature

023 – Fri, Jul 28, 2017 at 5:18 PM

Sunset in California (Miranda Hernandez)

060 – Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Northstar California Resort

089 – Sat, Feb 17, 2018, 3:55 PM

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096 – Tue, Apr 24, 2018, 11:09 PM

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059 – Wed, Nov 15, 2017, 7:52 PM

025 – Sun, Aug 6, 2017 at 12:26 AM

033 – Tue, Sep 19, 2017 at 6:35 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Chacchoben Mayan Ruins

053 – Sun, Nov 5, 2017, 1:07 PM

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065 – Sat, Dec 2, 2017, 8:06 PM

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054 – Mon, Nov 7, 2017, 8:10 PM

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050 – Sun, Oct 29, 2017, 1:00 PM

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115 – Sat, Jun 30, 2018, 1:03 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

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122 – Tue, Jul 24, 2018, 9:28 PM

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028 – Wed, Aug 16, 2017 at 6:07 PM

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016 – Wed, Jul 5, 2017 at 6:58 AM

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Keālia Beach, Kaua’i, Hawai’i (Miranda Hernandez)

106 – Fri, May 18, 2018, 6:18 PM

Nasturtium flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

112 – Sat, Jun 16, 2018, 3:59 PM

Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (Miranda Hernandez)

034 – Mon, Sep 25, 2017 at 8:28 PM

Sanddollars on Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

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Keālia Beach, Kaua'i, Hawai'I (Miranda Hernandez)

039 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 4:16 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

076 – Wed, Jan 10, 2018, 11:47 AM

Adrian's Elephant and Star Registry certificate

113 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:02 AM

Wild Sunflower in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

035 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 11:09 AM

Empty bench, California (Miranda Hernandez)

058 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 7:10 PM

005 – 19w6d – Happy New Year

013 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 10:22 AM

Daisies (Miranda Hernandez)

091 – Sun, Mar 11, 2018, 1:10 PM

Dandelions over Te Ti Bay, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

121 – Mon, Jul 23, 2018, 9:04 PM

Adrian's Elephant and his photo at St Katharines's Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

126 – Fri, Mar 29, 2019, 9:39 AM

019 – Sun, Jul 16, 2017 at 12:17 PM

Miranda holding a white onesie towards the camera

010 – 38w4d – Almost there…

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California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

084 – Thu, Feb 1, 2018, 8:44 PM

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011 – 39w6d(1) – What does Mama look like?

012 – 39w6d(2) – So close!

Keālia Beach, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

040 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 5:43 PM

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Painted rock found on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

123 – Wed, Aug 29, 2018, 3:16 PM

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090 – Sat, Feb 24, 2018, 5:12 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

100 – Sat, May 5, 2018, 5:30 PM

Wildflowers in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (Miranda Hernandez)

036 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 1:59 PM

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063 – Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 9:45 AM

004 – 12w1d – Your Tiny Feet

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047 – Thu, Oct 19, 2017, 4:54 PM

Bench on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

078 – Mon, Jan 15, 2018, 11:32 AM

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027 – Mon, Aug 14, 2017 at 12:15 PM

032 – Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

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