Dandelions over Te Ti Bay, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)
Dandelions over Te Ti Bay, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

121 – Mon, Jul 23, 2018, 9:04 PM

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This is the fourth letter I’ve tried to write. I have nothing. The words don’t come.

I have decided I will continue this one, even if I just write “fuck.” Because fuck — at least that’s real.

I felt drawn to the beach today. Not the crowded one walking distance from my house. Our house? Why don’t we have a home?

Last week, I went to visit the class I would have been in. I didn’t realize it at the time; these things all blur together for me. I went looking for a tutor, and she remembered me. And I realized, this is where my life could look different. I might have been the one she was complaining about, always rushing home to be with my child. I could have been that person, you should have been here.

I had a conversation yesterday, another conversation about how things are both the same and also different. I wonder if I should have come here. I wonder when anything will feel worth it again.

I have tried so many times to write to you, and of course part of the problem is this numbness. I hate this present numbness. It pulls me from you. And in this pulling, it somehow leaves me feeling lesser things, and I hate it. Because your loss was clean, and I hate feeling anything that’s not about you. And somehow, I still do.

And I think back to that night, when things started changing. And there’s a huge part of me that wishes I hadn’t allowed them to.

~

Well. I don’t know if I believe in signs. I definitely don’t believe the way many do, that you are watching over me, sending me signals. But she looked at me with so much terror in her eyes, and I helped her. And if she isn’t from you, she can still carry something. She can fly.

 

Seagull feather on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)
Seagull feather on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

~

I haven’t written, lately, because words have felt hard. I haven’t written, lately, because my attention hasn’t been focused on you. And I want to apologize, because I remember those early days when I thought I would never stop thinking about you. And this new life feels foreign, and frighteningly shallow. and I’m scared of becoming again the person I was before you.

I’m here by the ocean. It’s quiet today. It’s almost always quiet here, I think that’s why I like it. The air is always colder here. I came prepared with blankets. I’m huddled all in layers, staring at the water.

I remember your memorial, and the bonfire by the ocean. I remember trying to speak, people so very far away. I remember feeling like nothing felt right, scrambling at the last moment for something else to say. I remember that calm moment between the outgoing and the in, when everything just — stopped. If I hold onto anything, it’s that in-between. It’s the space inside that moment where everything collides.

I haven’t written lately, though I’m overwhelmed with feeling. But these feelings aren’t about you, and that’s its own kind of hard.

And I’m reduced to that single word — fuck.

I curse this numbness and all distractions from missing you.

I miss knowing how to miss you.

Letters to Adrian are real letters from a mother to her stillborn child. Letters are shared here in periodic batches.

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Pinecrest Lake, Pinecrest, California (Miranda Hernandez)

070 – Sat, Dec 23, 2017, 9:12 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

104 – Sun, May 13, 2018, 3:04 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

084 – Thu, Feb 1, 2018, 8:44 PM

Sunset in California (Miranda Hernandez)

060 – Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM

Miranda's maternity photo (Modern Lux Photography)

067 – Tue, Dec 12, 2017, 9:42 PM

Wildflowers in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (Miranda Hernandez)

036 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 1:59 PM

Bridge in California (Miranda Hernandez)

102 – Fri, May 11, 2018, 11:56 AM

Koloa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i - Feature

017 – Thu, Jul 6, 2017 at 6:24 AM

Wildflowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

090 – Sat, Feb 24, 2018, 5:12 AM

Stream, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

046 – Sun, Oct 15, 2017, 8:09 PM

Winter in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

097 – Wed, Apr 28, 2018, 11:08 PM

Walkway on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

120 – Thu, Jul 19, 2018, 12:47 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

082 – Wed, Jan 24, 2018, 3:46 PM

004 – 12w1d – Your Tiny Feet

Tree and roots on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

122 – Tue, Jul 24, 2018, 9:28 PM

020 – Tue, Jul 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM

Waves on Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

085 – Fri, Feb 2, 2018, 10:09 PM

Sunset over Victoria - Feature

023 – Fri, Jul 28, 2017 at 5:18 PM

Snow in Chicago, Illinois (Miranda Hernandez)

101 – Sun, May 6, 2018, 12:13 AM

029 – Tue, Aug 22, 2017 at 9:50 PM

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068 – Sat, Dec 16, 2017, 9:55 PM

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054 – Mon, Nov 7, 2017, 8:10 PM

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038 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 9:36 AM

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076 – Wed, Jan 10, 2018, 11:47 AM

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073 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 5:10 PM

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071 – Mon, Dec 25, 2017, 6:45 PM

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125 – Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM

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092 – Tue, Mar 20, 2018, 2:26 PM

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072 – Sat, Dec 30, 2017, 10:51 AM

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021 – Thu, Jul 20, 2017 at 6:24 AM

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066 – Mon, Dec 11, 2017, 8:16 PM

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083 – Mon, Jan 29, 2018, 5:09 AM

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129 – Tue, Jun 25, 2019, 9:11 PM

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031 – Fri, Sep 8, 2017 at 12:16 AM

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057 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 6:28 PM

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132 – Mon, Jul 1, 2019, 9:45 PM

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061 – Wed, Nov 22, 2017, 7:01 PM

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040 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 5:43 PM

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027 – Mon, Aug 14, 2017 at 12:15 PM

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059 – Wed, Nov 15, 2017, 7:52 PM

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022 – Fri, Jul 21, 2017 at 12:18 AM

030 – Mon, Aug 28, 2017 at 6:21 AM

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103 – Sat, May 12, 2018, 5:32 PM

013 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 10:22 AM

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109 – Sun, May 27, 2018, 8:35 PM

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127 – Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM

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139 – A Letter to My Son on His Third Birthday

012 – 39w6d(2) – So close!

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118 – Fri, Jul 6, 2018, 7:43 PM

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079 – Wed, Jan 17, 2018, 4:24 PM

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063 – Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 9:45 AM

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130 – Thu, Jun 27, 2019, 9:31 PM

032 – Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM

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075 – Tue, Jan 9, 2018, 10:04 PM

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035 – Tue, Sep 26, 2017 at 11:09 AM

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126 – Fri, Mar 29, 2019, 9:39 AM

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058 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 7:10 PM

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