103 – Sat, May 12, 2018, 5:32 PM

Periwinkle in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)
Periwinkle in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

This time last year, I was still pregnant. This time last year, I was probably settling down on the couch with Netflix and thinking about you. I was always thinking about you. I don’t know how to face these first realities. I don’t know how to face these days when it comes so strongly home to me that you didn’t.

I bought myself flowers and looked for cards. I wished somebody had remembered. And it hurts all over again, and I love you, and I miss you. And I’m learning what it’s like to be a mother in silence.

This time last year, I was happy and naive. This time last year, it’s possible you had already started to die.

I miss you with the parts of me that can’t forget that wordless keening. I miss you with all parts of me. You live inside my bones.

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