I don’t know where this past year has gone. I think I watched a lot of TV that I don’t remember. I slept a lot, and some days I didn’t. I traveled some, possibly looking for you. I think that made sense at the time.
Some days I survived. Some days felt like living. Some days I thought I would never get through.
And I talk a lot lately about feeling “awake.” It’s that feeling when life starts to feel more real. It’s that moment when I wake up in the morning and it seems more likely that you aren’t present. It’s the echo in these old moments and new.
The moon is nearly full tonight. I ran a bit. I’m sore. It doesn’t really get dark here. I don’t think I noticed that until yesterday.
If you were here, would I still feel lonely? I can’t think that my happiness rested on you.
But this emptiness; this wordless yearning—how in the world am I meant to go on? My world has no meaning without you.