Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)
Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

There are three dishes of food holding space on my bed. In her last days, I would do anything to get her to eat. New smells got her to perk up. I became a vegetarian buying every type of meat. Hot dogs mixed with scrambled eggs. I wish it had been enough.

In her last days, I could count her ribs. The movement seemed to become a chore. I carried her most places like a baby, wrapped up thick in blankets. For the past week, she never stopped shivering.

I never had to face this choice with Adrian. I never had to hold him, breathing; weigh impossible odds. I didn’t have to look into eyes gone soft and full of hurt. I didn’t get to hold his living body in my arms.

I’m thankful to have had this chance with Amy. I’m thankful to have had this time, this love, and these last days. I’m thankful to know she fell asleep with my arms wrapped around her. I’m thankful she no longer knows the pain.

I came home this morning and remembered those dishes. I would have done almost anything to keep her alive. And it’s perhaps my most unselfish moment that I found the strength to let her go. And now I live alone, surrounded by memories.

Related Posts:

Write Your Grief: Amy Anne
Miranda’s Blog: The Story of Amy Anne
Miranda’s Blog: 1 January 2019

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

27 March 2021 – Community

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

26 March 2021 – Landscape

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

31 March 2021 – Clarity

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

24 March 2021 – Emulation

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top