24 March 2021 – Emulation

Reflections of Grief in Life after Loss

My daughter threw a tantrum on the kitchen floor just now. Wrought face and wet-noodily, she bemoaned the breakage of the back of her high chair, even though she was the one who broke it. I try very hard not to laugh at these things.

The world is heavy when you’re tiny.

She sits in my lap now, eating steamed vegetables. She didn’t want any utensils, so she is using her hands to pull the pieces out of the microwaved package. Was she really just now screaming? Her eyelashes are still wet with tears while she giggles.

And I don’t know, but isn’t this the most honest kind of honesty?

When I was still relatively new in my grief, I used to try to describe it to my therapist. “I want to throw things,” I’d say. “I want to climb out of my skin.” I picture this now, as my daughter zips open and shut her discarded pajamas; I picture a zipper holding tight on my insides, and the pressure and the achiness and the desire to flee.

I always wanted to flee.

And I don’t know much about human development. When do children get that sense of self-awareness? When do we learn what it means to be “me”? But the grief—I think that must exist from infancy.

Hunger
Sleepiness
Cold
Lonely

Mama,
Comfort me.


Downloadable graphics for “Emulation; Reflections of Grief in Life after Loss”:

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

27 March 2021 – Community

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

26 March 2021 – Landscape

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

31 March 2021 – Clarity

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top