124 – Tue, Sep 4, 2018, 9:00 PM

Miranda's feet in the sand, New Smyrna Beach, Florida (Miranda Hernandez)
Miranda’s feet in the sand, New Smyrna Beach, Florida (Miranda Hernandez)

The sea is rough today, and it feels fitting. There’s an hour left of sun. I came home from Florida, and I thought about you. I’ve been aching to think about you.

I’m feeling a bit “better” now. I don’t really know what that word means. But I woke up this morning, and it didn’t hurt to get out of bed. I’m feeling some kind of motivation, I’m almost feeling good. And I miss you. I’m so thankful to remember how to miss you.

I can’t say when it started. I can’t say when the emptiness started to drain. There were still moments, this weekend, when I needed to run away. There are still moments, now, when I look for ways to hide. But I don’t always want to hide.

I watch the waves break on the rocks by the shore. I should spend some time in the water this week. I picture your hair, and somehow I still see you with green eyes. The glass feels heavy and very near.

My therapist asked how I feel about guilt. It will always be a fact that my decisions helped you die. And I think, somedays, that will always overwhelm me. And it doesn’t seem fair. I am still obsessed with fair.

I remember the last time I sat on these rocks. It was the day after your birthday, and my whole life felt so empty. It was the first day I couldn’t cry.

I flew to Orlando this weekend, and nothing felt familiar. I didn’t go to Disney World. I drank a lot of beer. And it wasn’t until I got to the airport that I finally felt you. I felt how much you weren’t there. I felt how much I missed you.

And it feels strange, even now, to find thankfulness in hard memories. It feels strange to be thankful for needing now to cry. And this strange duality, where I am okay, and also heartbroken — it also feels a little strange. And also somehow fine.

I’m feeling motivation again. I walked today. It was a little cold. I am rejoining life, I am finding community. And I think about you. I am so thankful to think about you.

I love you.

 

Rocks on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)
Rocks on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Letters to Adrian are real letters from a mother to her stillborn child. | 📬 Subscribe to Updates  📬
Return to the Letters to Adrian Homepage.

Scroll to Top