Supporting Bereaved Families in and
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A Message to Bereaved Parents—Because you ARE Parents—
Life after loss is hard. For the longest time after my son’s death, it didn’t even feel real. Some nights, I would lie awake, sleepless, staring at the ceiling or the shadows on the wall. Some nights, I would wake from sleep and google: “Going back to work after stillbirth” or even, “How does the world make sense anymore?”
It’s been three years now since Adrian died. Three years since I gave birth to him, sleeping. And I still don’t know that I have any answers. I honestly don’t think some things have answers, and definitely not pat solutions.
There have been some useful pieces. There have been good people and good organizations. And sometimes, when I feel inspired, I write things too. This page exists as a compilation of the different resources I have found or created on my journey–things that have been useful or comforting; things I now offer, without obligation, to you.
Loss is individual. Grief is unique. Please take what you find useful here, and discard all the rest.
I’m so sorry you’re here.
Love,
Miranda Hernandez, Adrian’s Mother
All Resources Pages Available on Adrian's Elephant:
Most Helpful Pieces
Pieces & Resources for the Early Days
General Resources for Loss & Grief
Graphics & Memes about Child Loss & Grief
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Notes for the support team -
"Good intentions" are best revealed by changing behavior you've been informed is hurtful.
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Sharing about my deceased child doesn’t mean that I’m stuck or broken or even that I am actively hurting. It simply means I am a parent. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter:
Original statement: Everything is going to be fine.
Rewritten: I'm not going to tell you everything is going to be fine. I understand grief is hard, and no amount of positive thinking is going to make up for the loss of your child. So I will simply tell you that I love you, and I'm here for whatever you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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What's with this expectation that grief should be "reasonable"?
Death certainly isn't reasonable. Grieve however you need.
-Miranda Hernandez
Adrian's Mother
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Notes for the Support Team - A good cheat sheet for pretty much any situation in which another human is upset: "That sounds hard." "Do you want to tell me about it?" "How can I help?" -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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Forced positivity is toxic. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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Statement: You're so strong. Response: Inside I am dying.
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If you ask a widow about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a spouse. If you ask a bereaved parent about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a child.
...And they are both correct. Grief is not a competition.
-Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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Notes for the Support Team -
Children. Aren't. Replaceable.
Please consider the impact of your words before you talk about things like subsequent children or adoption. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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Dear Prenatal Provider—
Please educate your patients about stillbirth. We deserve to know the facts.
-Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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Question: Are you STILL grieving? Response: Is my son STILL dead?
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Often when I share about my deceased child, people rush to give advice or hugs. I don't always need that, though. Often, all I really need is for you to listen. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter:
Question: "How are you?"
Multiple choice answers: "Outstanding, Okay, Really hating this question".
There is a check mark next to "Really hating this questions". -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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I have grown as a person since the death of my son...But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to.
-Miranda Hernandez
Adrian's Mother
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Notes for the support team -
Nobody is born knowing how to deal with grief.
We are all just figuring it out along the way.
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Notes for the Bereaved -
You are under no obligation to turn your tragedy into something beautiful.
You are allowed, todays and always, simply to exist. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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Even as a bereaved parent, I still don't always know the right words to say. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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I did not have "a stillborn". I had a stillborn CHILD; a human being. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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"1 in 160" feels like such a small number until you put it in context.
For the parents of a stillborn child, 1 in 160 will always be one too many.
-Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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Original Statement: Still Grieving? Still dead. Still a parent. Rewritten statement: Always grieving. Always dead. ALWAYS a parent.
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“Healing” from the death of my child is about as likely as regrowing a missing limb.
-Miranda Hernandez
Adrian's Mother
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Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter:
Original statement: Let me know if I can do anything for you.
Rewritten: Can I bring you dinner this evening? Can I help you with the laundry? I'm going to the store this evening; can I bring you anything? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother
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