Notes for the Bereaved

Holidays are optional

In case you need permission—you never have to celebrate if you’re not feeling up to it. Holidays are and always can be optional. Give yourself the time and space to spend these days however you need.

I’m not going to tell you it gets better

One of the common sayings that has bothered me in the past is this sentiment of, “Just hold on. Better days are coming.” The thing is, you can’t know that for certain. Nobody can.

Notes for the Bereaved - It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s not your job to make other people feel comfortable

People are going to feel uncomfortable about death and grief…It’s not your job to comfort people who become discomfited by hearing your story. That’s on them.

Losing a child at ANY age is hard

It doesn’t matter how far along you were. It doesn’t matter if there was anything “wrong” with the baby or if he or she would not have been compatible with life. It doesn’t even matter how many other children you have, either before or after your loss. You are ALWAYS allowed to feel what you need.

Notes for the Bereaved - You are under no obligation to turn your tragedy into something beautiful. You are allowed, todays and always, simply to exist. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

No Obligation to turn Tragedy into Beauty

Plenty of people going through loss and grief find themselves struggling, months or even years later, and THAT’s OKAY. Loss and grief are hard. No one is required to overcome their pain or transform their struggles into anything.

Of course you miss them!

Of course you miss them! They are gone, and they shouldn’t be.
Don’t ever feel ashamed for that. There is no time limit on grief.

Thanksgiving can be hard when you’re grieving

We can sometimes feel a heavy cultural obligation to find a silver lining in every loss, and to hold onto the adage that there is always something to be thankful for. he truth, though, is that this isn’t always the case.

There is NO Time Limit on Grief

I was sitting with the patient advocate, and I was surprised to see the tears in his eyes, and they weren’t entirely for me. It turns out he had also lost a child to stillbirth—30 YEARS AGO. And he STILL grieved. Because there is no time limit on grief.

You are allowed to have uncomfortable and inconvenient feelings

I think sometimes we feel pressure to be only positive, cheerful, and focus on healing after loss. To be honest, this feels like BS to me. I’d rather focus on what may be uncomfortable, but is miles more real.

You are always always ALWAYS allowed to feel how you feel, with no obligation to cheer up, look on the bright side, or snap out of it. Your feelings are valid and so are you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are always allowed to feel how you feel

Pain and grief can make outsiders uncomfortable, and sometimes they may urge you to heal and be your positive self again. This is a reminder that you are always allowed to feel however you need to.

You are under no obligation to keep anyone in your life

When I was new in my grief, I both gained and lost people…The one thing I didn’t expect was that I would have to remove some people from my life because they weren’t capable of providing support without worsening my grief.

You don’t have to be a noble victim

In reality, victims don’t have to fit a prescribed narrative. Tragedy and loss are hard, and real people handle these things in unique and individual ways.

You don’t have to be brave

You’ve probably heard that word a lot lately: “You’re so brave; I don’t know how you do it.” And it maybe feels a bit disingenuine.⁠ What does “brave” even mean?⁠ You don’t have to be brave.

You don’t have to heal if you don’t want to

There seems to be this consensus in parts of the loss community that you have to move forward or “heal” from your grief. I don’t believe this is true.

You don’t owe anyone any explanations

Loss can be complicated. People can be unintentionally cruel. It’s okay to say, “I’m not interested in discussing this.” Your story and your grief belong to YOU alone.