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darkness of loss and grief · I wonder so many things about you · dreaming about Adrian or Peanut · new and old grief · stillborn babies don't get a birth certificate · maternity photos from my pregnancy with Adrian · Preeclampsia · placental abruption · "it's not your fault" · you need to do better · "people here will miss you" · ennui and depression after loss · drowning in waves of grief · I was obsessed with spreadsheets and planning · "passed away" and other euphemisms for death · my parents · I don't want to think about the future because it's a future without my son · regret after the loss of a child · Miranda's guest posts on other sites · treehugging nature lover · minimal interventions in labor and delivery · there is no safe point in pregnancy · I am a different person after losing my son · Happiness is complicated when you're grieving · good intentions are best revealed by changing behavior you've been told is hurtful · Uncle Tyler · "you're so strong"; strong-shaming the bereaved · also shared on Medium.com · I wanted a natural birth · high blood pressure in pregnancy · "and" and anding · medical management of pregnancy · importance of testing urine in pregnancy · Bereaved motherhood · single mother by choice (SMC) · money matters and death · HELLP Syndrome · idealization of rainbow babies · Friday the 13th · anti-depressant medication · breath is grounding · Moving forward · wearing baggy clothing to hide postpartum body after loss · I still look pregnant · asking "how are you?" of someone who is grieving · "No!" · "it happened for a reason" · the Before and the After · life insurance covers a fetus past 20 weeks gestation · Lake Tahoe · Adrian is a big brother · Going back to work after the death of my child · nothing in life is guaranteed · hiding from the world after loss · right upper quadrant pain · questions answered on Quora.com · disloyal to your memory · Memories of my pregnancy with Adrian · feeling phantoms kicks or phantom movement after loss · running away from life after the loss of my son · 4th Trimester Bodies Project · friend Ali · Adrian's birth · my own personal rain cloud · thoughts about deities or a higher power · died by suicide · dating while grieving is complicated · expectant management of overdue pregnancy · my time in the hospital before and after Adrian's birth · I'm scared to forget you · mental health professional; counselor or therapist · physical activity is grounding after loss · Perfect birth · Truths about grief · I think everything is a metaphor · a child subsequent to loss is not a replacement · blaming the parents when a child dies · 39 weeks of pregnancy · "babies run out of room" · myths about pregnancy · Reflections on my life before and after loss · Anger and rage after loss · Isolation or loneliness in loss and grief · thankful and grieving at the same time · One year ago · body image and body dysmorphia after pregnancy loss · tearing pain underneath right ribs · I came home to a fully furnished nursery and no living child · mother's day · Adrian's name · Adrian's footprint tattoo · silence at your birth · fork in time · I'm trying to be okay · Adrian's funeral · Adrian's Elephant on Instagram · Yoga · I honestly thought the chances of stillbirth were 1 in a million not 1 in 160 · physical feeling of absence · Suicide prevention · the problem with handing out the number to the suicide hotline · grief is like having a long-term concussion · thoughts about the afterlife · Friend Lillian · things that fill up my time during grief · cousin Caleb · Support groups · my child shouldn't require a trigger warning · "have another baby" as if children as interchangeable · "everything is going to be fine" · "better" is a relative term · actively suicidal; suicidal-with-a-plan · I don't want to die anymore · New Zealand · Aunt Alexis · this strange duality where I am fine and also heartbroken · Life goes on after loss and that is really hard · gestational diabetes in pregnancy · holding onto baby weight after losing a child · Traveling as a means of escape after loss · living on fast forward after the death of a child · advanced maternal age (AMA) · I fight against happiness after loss · 29 June 2017 · dividing line between miscarriage and stillbirth · awkwardness surrounding loss and grief · San Diego · everything happens but not for a reason · comfort cub · I am not okay · Aunt Caroline · music and singing during grief · patterns of fetal activity · grief lasts forever because that's how long love lasts · the complications of losing weight after the loss of a child · I was a pregnancy nerd · second blue line on the pregnancy test · Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) · desire to rewind or rewrite the past · "don't talk like that" · Uncle Mason · Adrian's conception · I don't call my daughter a rainbow baby because she deserves her own identity · risk factors in pregnancy · making sense of or rejoining life after loss · cult of positivity · physicality of 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child · Liam · time-measured kick counts · swelling in pregnancy can be a sign of preeclampsia · my body failed to keep my son alive · stretch marks or tiger stripes · fog of grief · non stress testing (NST) · thankfulness is not a cure for grief · I keep coming back to this concept of "fair" · Washington D.C. · Saki · "morning sickness" is all day sickness · bluebonnets and daisies · I sometimes feel like an outsider in my grief · I live for you · Peanut · I used to be obsessed with control but that changed after loss · acceptance of fear and uncertainty · Halloween · counseling or therapy · your baby could die · Florida · Alex · High risk pregnancy · Thanksgiving · honoring Adrian's memory · I will always wonder about the color of your eyes · death certificate for a stillborn child · I spent a lot of time walking after the death of my son · Pregnancy interventions · echoes of the past · fun is hard when you're grieving · religious or spiritual beliefs · I don't normally curse but sometimes the word fuck seems apt · Baby Ava Rayne · I probably watch too much TV · Adrian will always be my firstborn child · think before you speak · beautiful terror of pregnancy after loss · early days after the loss of my son · who I used to be · my friend Jake · open letter · "meant to be" · Writing as a means of reflection and processing in grief · windows on other worlds · stillborn but still BORN · always two · overdue pregnancy · importance of kick counting · I can't breathe · sometimes I need to be physically alone · alles geht · my love/hate relationship with Facebook · integration of loss and grief · Baby Grace · Grandmother · freedom of movement in labor · mental health after loss · not being able to cry · 1 in 2000 · Uncle Jackson · Induction of Labor (IOL) · "waking up" again after the fog of grief · there is no "at least" in grieving · simplicity of early grief · the nurses at Adrian's birth were amazing · an exhaustion that is more than just physical · Finding grace in life after loss · there but for a twist of fate · humor even in grief · Adrian's birthday · Alternate reality or what could have been · I wish I had saved you · dangers of home dopplers · not being able to miss you · Things people say to the bereaved · Adrian's ashes · "everything happens for a reason" · moving without him · California · Adrian's due date · atheism agnosticism and general disbelief · Charles Xavier · need to feel busy · I love the ocean · how many children do you have? · intense fit of fetal activity · what does it mean to "heal" or "cure" grief? · severe headache in pregnancy may indicate preeclampsia · Help and support after the death of a child · you don't "get over" loss · feeling alive again after loss · tragedy isn't just the thing that happens to OTHER people · we used to say "committed suicide" · the problem with positivity · I think I want people to go away but I also need community · Akhilandeshvari · Aunt Jessica · cousin March · donating breastmilk after pregnancy loss · I AM a mother · Adrian lives on in me · 30 June 2017 · grief in older generations · movements matter; importance of tracking fetal movement in pregnancy · Landon's Legacy Retreat · wanting to die but not feeling actively suicidal · warning signs of stillbirth · I feel broken after the death of my child · "strange" things bereaved parents do · instant connection with others in grief · Donor Timothy · Going through the motions of life and still feeling disconnected after losing a child · child subsequent to loss · parenting in loss · Adrian's death · my doula during Adrian's pregnancy and delivery · Adrian's Elephant · pain has a purpose · Crying and tears · permanence of death · Nature isn't perfect

Visit our sister site: Plain Talk Pregnancy – Evidence-Based; Human-Oriented

Visit our sister site:
Plain Talk Pregnancy

When Adrian first died, I felt like an outsider; a

When Adrian first died, I felt like an outsider; a person without community. I was a mother, but my child wasn't visible. I was a single woman, but I wasn't childfree by choice.⁠
⁠
I didn't "belong" anywhere.⁠
⁠
And then I became pregnant with Peanut, and suddenly community found me.⁠
⁠
It took me a while to realize how much that community wanted to focus on my living child to the exclusion of the one who was dead.⁠
⁠
And it hurt.⁠
⁠
It hurts to feel like my son is a painful topic; something to be treated as taboo.⁠
⁠
It hurts when people jump from my statements about Adrian to asking if I have "tried again" since then.⁠
⁠
It hurts when they focus on Peanut and her identity, but refuse to mention my firstborn.⁠
⁠
It's a silence I remember. Not one, but two.⁠
⁠
He existed too.⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
#LettersToAdrian - read the full letter at the link in bio⁠
⁠
#Stillbirth #ChildLoss #PregnancyLoss #PregnancyAfterLoss #ParentingAfterLoss #GrievingAChild #ChildLossGrief #OurFamilyIsMissingSomeone #SeaGlassFamily #AlwaysTwo

Four years ago this month, and yes, I STILL rememb

Four years ago this month, and yes, I STILL remember—⁠
⁠
I remember your eyes. Your calm, collected countenance, even though you seemed a bit rushed.⁠
⁠
I wonder if you would admit that now? It was an afternoon appointment and things were backed up. Scheduling, maybe?⁠
⁠
In any case, you did give me more time than I thought I might get elsewhere. I loved this aspect of midwifery care. I loved the ability to ask all of my questions. You made me feel like I was safe with you.⁠
⁠
How I wish I had been safe with you.⁠
⁠
I think about your smiling face and your easy-going ways.⁠
⁠
𝘗𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘯𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦. 𝘓𝘦𝘵'𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘪𝘵.⁠
⁠
𝘓𝘦𝘵'𝘴 𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘢𝘺𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 "𝘯𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯".⁠
⁠
"𝘈𝘥𝘷𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘢𝘨𝘦", 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.⁠
⁠
After all, I was "only" 35.⁠
⁠
I was only 35 and I was sucked in by wanting everything to be natural, and you made me feel like I could trust you.⁠
⁠
But when things got hard, you disappeared. Why was it your 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘳 who called instead of you? And why did 𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘦 of you show up to the funeral? Why did none of you check on me after that first day? How did you take my money and disappear? Are you proud of yourselves?⁠
⁠
I remember your eyes at that last appointment. How you looked up at me when I told you he wasn't moving as much as usual.⁠
⁠
Was there a question there? Were you worried about me?⁠
⁠
I wish you would have said something. But mostly, you seemed in a hurry for me to leave.⁠
⁠
I remember your face on that last day, because I was looking for reassurance from you. I had noticed these things that were unusual for me. I was worried, but you were not.⁠
⁠
You failed me. You failed my child. You sent me home and told me I was "fine."⁠
⁠
You didn't give me anything to be cautious of; to watch out for. And only one week later, my child died.⁠
⁠
And somehow, I 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 see your smiling, easy-going face.⁠
⁠
I wonder what you see of mine?⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
#MirandasBlog (full post available at link in bio)⁠
Image credit Mybona via Getty Images

When I was new in my grief, I often didn't have wo

When I was new in my grief, I often didn't have words. My brain wasn’t ready yet; I was struggling with living.⁠
⁠
Almost four years out now, and I'm finally feeling ready to share.⁠
⁠
But now, somehow, when I talk about my child, people make assumptions.⁠
⁠
They assume I am hurting.⁠
They assume I need help.⁠
They assume I am not "over" his death. (As if death is something that can be "gotten over").⁠
⁠
They assume, most of all, that I am sharing as a means of outcry; that my words mean I need advice or love or hugs. (And please know, I appreciate these things! If not for themselves, then for the proof they provide of your love. I am always thankful for your love).⁠
⁠
I also need to ask you to listen—⁠
⁠
Because often, when I share about my deceased child, that's all I'm looking for: An ear. A person to open their heart to experience. Someone to take a moment in their day to read and acknowledge, without trying to analyze me.⁠
⁠
I am a bereaved mother.⁠
⁠
I am also a writer, and this is how I process and communicate.⁠
⁠
None of this means I'm broken; not in the way you mean.⁠
⁠
Please stop trying to fix me.⁠
⁠
𝐎𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝, 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐝𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐮𝐠𝐬. 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭, 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡.⁠
𝐎𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧, 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐈 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧.⁠
⁠
#AJHGraphics #BereavedParent #BereavedMother #LifeAfterLoss #ActiveListening #HowToHelp #HowToSupport #PleaseListen #WhatINeed #Grief

I'm going to admit something right now that is inc

I'm going to admit something right now that is incredibly embarrassing. I'm going to admit it, because I think it's important to talk about. It's important to point out that even a bereaved mother such as myself can have a history of grief faux pas.⁠
⁠
Before Adrian died, I had very little sense of the impact of death. It was an abstract concept to me. I had known people who had died, but nobody close enough to trigger intense grief. And so, when someone in my circle lost a child, I misunderstood.⁠
⁠
Like most situations, there are some details to the story, and most of them are not my privilege to share. But when I saw that this person's relative had posted on Facebook about their child dying, instead of the parent themselves, my first thought was that the parent must not have cared…⁠
⁠
I want to smack myself today, because of course this is not true! But it is what I believed at the time, and I wonder how many other outsiders are feeling this way about me, or about other bereaved parents, today? And this is why I'm sharing.⁠
⁠
I'm sharing, because I think there is this unspoken assumption that appearances are everything: ⁠
⁠
If someone isn't tearing out their hair or doing the other things you "expect" of a grieving person, then they must not be feeling "real" grief.⁠
⁠
If someone is laughing, or chooses to go on an exotic vacation, then they must be "cured" of the pain of their child's loss, and now it's okay to pretend the loss never happened.⁠
⁠
And of course, these things are not true. But I know, even now, they are things that some people still believe.⁠
⁠
I am ashamed of what my first thoughts were when I heard about this child's death. And it wasn't until I lost my own son that I realized how completely clueless I had been.⁠
⁠
Grief is hard, and death isn't often talked about. And this is one of the reasons I write today. Because these stories are still happening, and your loved ones are still being hurt by them, and it's something you need to know.⁠
⁠
#NotesForTheSupportTeam :⁠
𝐍𝐨𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐫𝐧 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐟. 𝐖𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲.

"Most days I feel “fine.” I live life and I ca

"Most days I feel “fine.” I live life and I care for your sister, and when the subject comes up, I talk about you. I love talking about you. And sometimes I feel bad, even though I know better, that I hardly cry anymore. Your death has become superficially “normal.” (It will never be normal).⁠
⁠
And then days like today. It is quiet, and I am going through old emails, and it jumps in my face. You aren’t two weeks old. You never got to be. And I realize how much I checked out of those early days. And when I see these things, now, it hits me with immediacy.⁠
⁠
I miss you, my love. I miss you with parts of me gone silent and sleeping. With parts that are rusted and dusty and hiding. I miss you with an ache so deep it doesn’t know how to function in the light of the sun. So deep I can’t carry it and also keep living. But also built into me. You live inside me, and this is my world.⁠
⁠
You never got to be two weeks old. I never got to be two weeks deep in that kind of innocence. And somehow, I still treasure this. It was meant for you.⁠
⁠
I love you.⁠
⁠
Love,⁠
-Mama"⁠
⁠
#LettersToAdrian (link to full letter in bio)⁠
⁠
#Stillbirth #ChildLoss #BabyLoss #InfantLoss #StillbirthStory #StillbirthBlog #BabyLossStory #PregnancyAndInfantLoss #LifeAfterLoss #ParentingAfterLoss #ParentingInLoss #LettersToTheDead #LoveLettersToTheDead #IMissMySon

Here's to the 'tog who understands—⁠ ⁠ She m

Here's to the 'tog who understands—⁠
⁠
She may be a fellow mother,⁠
Or "just" a friend.⁠
⁠
She puts on the camera, and doesn't ask questions.⁠
⁠
She knows all the symbols, and she respects them.⁠
⁠
When the bear comes out, she treats him like a person;⁠
A member of the family, because he is.⁠
⁠
And when I find peace in this quiet moment—⁠
—She captures it.⁠
⁠
Photo by @lizmoralesphotography⁠
⁠
♥️🧸♥️⁠
⁠
#MirandasBlog #FamilyPhotography #EmotionalPhotography #EmotionalPhotographer #FamilyPhotographyCalifornia #MollyBear #MamasLove #Stillbirth #GriefJourney #LifeAfterLoss⁠ #FlashPoetry

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