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When I was pregnant with Adrian, I heard that an o

When I was pregnant with Adrian, I heard that an old coworker had died by suicide. It was a shock to me, and it brought back some feelings. Life is just heavy sometimes.⁠
⁠
And while I had been writing to Adrian throughout my pregnancy, I struggled with my decision to write about this. Was it morbid? Would it be out of place in amongst my other letters describing baby showers and onesies and decorating his nursery? ⁠
⁠
...Maybe.⁠
⁠
But I wrote about it anyway.⁠
⁠
I wrote a letter describing my pain and my fears. I wrote about how I was saddened that I hadn't had a close relationship with my old coworker before he died. I wrote about heavy things, and today, I am thankful for it.⁠
⁠
I am thankful, because these things are real. I am thankful, because I chose to address hard times, and I think this is an important part of parenting. Because life isn't always sunshine and rainbows. And because one of the most important parts of talking about hard times is emphasizing that I intended to support my son through them. And that means everything to me.⁠
⁠
Adrian never got to read my letters, not about this subject; not about anything. That's one of the heavy and hard parts of preparing a home for a child who didn't live.⁠
⁠
But I still come back to these things. I read them to myself, and I find comfort in remembering. Because I was parenting my child before he was even born. And today, sometimes, my letters parent me.⁠
⁠
#LettersToAdrian (link to full letter available at link in bio, LTA #009)⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
#MirandasRandomMusings #HardConversations #TalkingAboutHardThings #ParentingInHardTimes #ParentingInLoss #LifeIsHeavy #LifeAfterLoss #LettersToTheDead #LoveLettersToTheDead #Grief #SuicideAndGrief #MemoriesFromBefore #ThisIsParenting #ThisIsMotherhood #MotherhoodIsHard #ParentingMyself #StillbirthBlogger #LifeAfterStillbirth #MentalHealth #MentalHealthMatters #SuicidePreventionMonth #SuicidePreventionAndAwarenessMonth

Sometimes it feels like our culture idealizes thos

Sometimes it feels like our culture idealizes those who use their loss or pain as impetus for personal growth.⁠
⁠
"Oh, it was such a tragedy, but look how much she's accomplished and grown!"⁠
⁠
And yes, it's true. I've become a different person since Adrian's death. In some ways, I am a better person. (And in some ways I'm not). But regardless of any bit of growth I've gained, none of it is "worth it."⁠
⁠
My son died. His body stopped existing. I never got to feel his arms wrapped around my neck; to breathe him in as a living being.⁠
⁠
I never got to see him take his first breath; his first steps; his first bite of ice cream.⁠
⁠
All of this is missing.⁠
⁠
So please, tell me how my personal growth is any compensation? Because I would give it all up in a heartbeat.⁠
⁠
A heartbeat he wasn't given.⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐨𝐧. 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐈 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐈’𝐯𝐞 𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐨.⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
#AJHGraphics #MirandasRandomMusings #Death #Loss #Grief #GriefJourney #LifeAfterLoss #GriefQuotes #GrowthAfterTrauma #GrowthAfterTragedy #GrowthQuotes #BabyLoss #ChildLoss #BabyLossQuotes #BabyLossSucks #1in4 #1in160 #PregnancyAndInfantLossAwareness #LifeAfterStillbirth #BereavedMother #Bereavement #IAmAMom #ThereIsNoHeartbeat

When I first started planning to have children as

When I first started planning to have children as a #SingleParentByChoice, someone close to me said some cruel things to me about my decision. We had had a difficult relationship prior to this conversation, so this wasn’t entirely out of the norm. It was the final piece that broke us though. It was the final incident that showed me the things that were valuable in my life weren’t valued by that person.⁠
⁠
And yet, whenever people heard about this break, they always told me, “Don’t worry, she’ll come around. Give it time. Be patient.”⁠
⁠
Please don’t say this to people.⁠
⁠
Please don’t say this, because it demonstrates a lack of understanding. It is also both minimizing of the pain AND it puts the burden of reconciliation on the one who was hurt, instead of the one who CAUSED the hurting. And this happens in grieving families too.⁠
⁠
When someone is important in your life, you shouldn’t have to wait for them to “come around” to acknowledge and respect the things that are important to you. You deserve enthusiastic support from the very beginning.⁠
⁠
I do too.⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
#AJHGraphics #SingleMotherByChoice #SingleMomByChoice #DonorConceivedFamily #Grief #FamilyGrief #BrokenFriendships #BrokenFriendshipStories #BrokenFriendshipGrief #INeedSupport #IDeserveSupport #SupportInGrief #SupportingGrief #EnthusiasticSupport #YouDontHaveToUnderstand #YouDontHaveToUnderstandToSupport #LifeAfterLoss #ThoughtsFromAdriansMother

When my son died, I thought about suicide. It’s

When my son died, I thought about suicide. It’s not that I wanted to 𝘥𝘪𝘦, per se; more that I didn’t know how to go on living. How did I make sense of life again? How did I function in a world in which I barely knew my name?⁠
⁠
How was I supposed to go on living, surrounded by more than I could even comprehend of pain?⁠
⁠
This is one of those things I think people often don’t understand about suicide and suicidal feelings. They throw around phrases like, “There’s 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 something to be thankful for,” or “It 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 gets better,” but these things aren’t 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 true.⁠
⁠
Sometimes, life simply sucks, with no option or means for amelioration.⁠
⁠
Sometimes, even when you don’t actively want to die, the weight of living is still too much for you.⁠
⁠
And if we’re going to really talk about suicide, we have to acknowledge that, at least for some people, this is their truth.⁠
⁠
This was 𝘮𝘺 truth.⁠
⁠
And I am forever thankful for those who didn’t try to take my truth away from me.⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
September is #SuicideAwarenessAndPreventionMonth. Please take time this month to learn more about suicide, particularly from those who have experienced suicidal feelings. It is far more complicated than many people believe.⁠
⁠
You can also view some of my previous writings at the link in bio.⁠
⁠
#SuicideAwareness #SuicideAwarenessAndPrevention #SuicideIsComplicated #FeelingSuicidal #LifeAfterLoss #GriefAndSuicide #SuicidePreventionMonth #IWasSuicidal #IWantedToDie #MentalHealth #MentalHealthMatters #MySonDied #MyChildDied #IMissMySon #LearningToLiveAfterLoss

When I was in my darkest place, my therapist presc

When I was in my darkest place, my therapist prescribed me antidepressant medication. I held on to that prescription for more than a month, convinced if I tried *just a little bit harder,* things would somehow be okay.⁠
⁠
I wish I had known, or been able to accept, that it doesn't actually work that way.⁠
⁠
Mental health is equally as valid and mental health crises are equally as worthy of treatment as any physical ailment.⁠
⁠
You cannot power through a mental health crisis anymore than you can power through a broken leg.⁠
⁠
(And somehow we keep trying anyway).⁠
⁠
It's been a busy 2 months for me, and I realized/accepted that I had to take a break. Because sometimes breaks are as important as the medication I still take.⁠
⁠
I'm back now, slowly easing back into things, and I'll be sharing more new content soon, particularly in support of #SuicideAwarenessAndPreventionMonth. It's a difficult subject, and also one very close to my heart.⁠
⁠
And I also wanted to say, for anyone else out there who feels overwhelmed and in need of a break: I see you. Whatever you are thinking or feeling or needing right now is 100% valid.⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
#MentalHealth #MentalHealthMatters #MentalHealthIsHealth #MentalHealthBlogger #Antidepressant #AntidepressantMedication #AntidepressionQuotes #AnxietyMedication #AnxietyQuotes #AnxietyAndGrief #Therapy #TherapyRocks #TherapyHelpedMe #BereavedParent #BereavedParenting #LifeAfterLoss #SometimesYouNeedABreak

Sitting here in a packed up house, what to take an

Sitting here in a packed up house, what to take and what will go? And a couple of days ago, I pulled out the traveling urn.

I literally have an urn just for traveling.

Bereaved life is sometimes just a little bit strange.

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