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Visit our sister site: Plain Talk Pregnancy – Evidence-Based; Human-Oriented

Visit our sister site:
Plain Talk Pregnancy

I had everything planned. I was so ready to leave

I had everything planned. I was so ready to leave my old city, and so on December 1st I was already packed and ready. I was walking from the parking lot with a small box full of recycling I had pulled from the front seat of my car. I wanted to start off the trip with everything neat and clean. I dumped the recycling into the bin, noticing the recycling truck on its way into the complex. "Perfect timing," I thought.⁠
⁠
I walked into the house, mentally tabulating the number of loads it would take to get everything into the car. I took out the first load, then the second. I remembered I needed to make a phone call. Where was my phone?⁠
⁠
By this point, the truck had been gone for only minutes, but it took me almost an hour to make the mental connection. That box full of recycling had contained more than plastic and cardboard. It also had my phone, and with it, the last photos I had of my pregnancy and my child.⁠
⁠
I was heartbroken.⁠
⁠
These are the things we don't often talk about. These are the silly "first world problems" that in most cases are simple annoyances. But this was so much more than an annoyance to me. On top of losing my child, I lost almost every digital memory.⁠
⁠
🖼️ The random moments from when I first started showing—gone⁠
🖼️ The day I spent in my 5th month shooting my bow and arrow around my bulging belly on my friend's land—gone⁠
🖼️ The bits and pieces from the hospital; the tens of photos I had asked my sister to take after the professional photographer had left for the evening—thankfully, I had transferred a few of these to the cloud, but the rest were gone⁠
🖼️ Photos of people and signs and scenery from the retreat I attended in the early months after Adrian's death—almost all, gone⁠
⁠
And yes, while I had transferred a handful of these into the cloud while planning to launch the Adrian's Elephant website, I had not set up any kind of backup system for the ones that remained. And for many of these, the only copy left is the visual image slowly bleeding out of my imperfect brain. And these fade a little more every day...⁠
⁠
...continued at adrianjameshernandez.com (link in bio)

When I first went back to my volunteer job after A

When I first went back to my volunteer job after Adrian's death, one of the people I worked with told me she hadn't said anything at the time, because there was, "nothing to say."⁠
⁠
I promise you, dear reader, there is ALWAYS something to say.⁠
⁠
It may not be profound or ground-breaking. I promise you also—that's fine!⁠
⁠
Your words may be awkward. You may stumble. You may stick in your foot in your mouth entirely. It's still okay.⁠
⁠
What's important is that you acknowledge the loss. That you embrace the awkwardness. That you show up anyway.⁠
⁠
Because the only way you really fail is by disappearing entirely.⁠
⁠
You aren't going to be perfect.⁠
Show up anyway.

#Stillbirth #ChildLoss #BabyLoss #PregnancyLoss #LifeAfterLoss #HowToHelp #SupportAfterLoss #GriefSupport #Grief #NotesForTheSupportTeam

From the days when I first started to live again:

From the days when I first started to live again: "I have days when I think I’m okay. I have days when I think, “I’m healed now. I can be a normal person again.” This started out as one of those days. And I never know when to expect any difference. I never know when your loss is going to sneak up and break me all over again.⁠
⁠
I thought I was a person. I’m once again a husk. I thought I had started living. I can’t live without you. I am so constantly torn. I’m always missing you.⁠
⁠
And people talk online about being positive and moving forward. I don’t hold that energy. There is no positive attitude that can hold your death. You’re always going to be gone from me. This is always going to be the life I’m living in your absence. The life that wasn’t meant to be. There is no “meant to be.”⁠
⁠
And I feel these things, and I also love your sister. And I’m feeling the pain of this heart split in two. And I’m feeling new things, and I am starting to live again. And I hate it, and I love it. And I’m broken, and I’m new.⁠
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For three hours this evening, I was a normal person. For three hours this evening, I lived without pain. And I lay in my bed now, and it all comes rushing back to me. And I’m so thankful to remember I will never really lose you. I’m so thankful to remember, and to feel, and to love you.⁠
⁠
I love you, little man. I always, always will."⁠
⁠
#LettersToAdrian (link to full letter in bio)⁠
⁠
#Stillbirth #Childloss #BabyLoss #InfantLoss #PregnancyAndInfantLoss #StillbirthStory #StillbirthBlog #LifeAfterLoss #GriefStories #GriefBlog #LettersToTheDead #LoveLettersToTheDead #PregnancyAfterLoss #HealingAfterLoss #IMissMySon

As Americans head into tax season, this is a remin

As Americans head into tax season, this is a reminder that for many families, the subject of determining tax status can be unexpectedly painful.⁠
⁠
Excerpt/originally posted in 2019: "Money is a difficult subject in general in American society. It doesn’t surprise me, then, that money matters associated with death are doubly hard. I never thought I would be reading about the financial “benefits” of losing a child. I never thought anything like that would be relevant to me.⁠
⁠
The IRS is a funny beast. As anyone who’s tried to do their taxes on their own can attest, they have rules and regulations for pretty much everything. They even have a rule for what qualifies as "birth."⁠
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According to the IRS, a child qualifies as a dependent if he or she is born alive, as recognized by the laws of the state in which they are born. It doesn’t matter for these purposes the age or gestation of the child, or if the child dies immediately following birth. It only matters that they were born alive, even if only for a moment.⁠
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This is the criteria that qualifies a child for issuance of a social security number, and a birth certificate. This is the criteria that determines, in essence, whether a human being exists.⁠
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And this was something I found out, reading the IRS website at 2 o’clock one morning. I didn’t sleep a lot in the beginning. I didn’t do much of anything except mourn my son. So I found this passage, and it stuck with me. Because according to the federal government, my son was never alive."⁠
⁠
...Continued on https://adrianjameshernandez.com (link in bio)⁠
⁠
#DeathAndTaxes #MirandasBlog⁠ #StillbirthStory #StillbirthBlog #StillbornISStillBORN #DeathAndMoney #TaxesAreWeird #Stillbirth #Stillborn #StillbornStillLoved⁠
⁠

It was still early in my loss, but after I had mov

It was still early in my loss, but after I had moved and started in a new office. Many people did not know about my son. From the outside, I appeared to be childless.⁠
⁠
There was a coworker I had felt I was starting to form a friendship with. I took a chance, and I showed him a picture of my child: "This is my son. He died last year."⁠
⁠
My coworker was unprepared. He made a small noise, gave me a sad smile, and then reached over and SHUT MY LAPTOP.⁠
⁠
If you are reading this, dear coworker—yes, I STILL remember.⁠
⁠
I don't bring this up now to shame my coworker. I was still in my awkward phase then, and I'm sure he was caught off guard.⁠
⁠
I bring this up, because it illustrates something important—people who haven't dealt with tragedy are often made uncomfortable by any mention of the life that remains. It's as if there is this irrevocable connection between my son's death and his existence; as if these things are forever entwined instead of merely adjacent. And somehow, any mention of any of it is just "sad."⁠
⁠
But you see, dear coworker, this is not the case. My son's death was traumatic, but his life was the biggest gift. And this is why I still talk about him, today.⁠
⁠
Because I'm his mother.⁠
Because he existed.⁠
Because it doesn't make ME sad to acknowledge these things.⁠
⁠
It's just life.⁠
⁠
And the fact that he lived is pretty darn amazing.⁠
⁠
#Stillbirth #ChildLoss #PregnancyLoss #InfantLoss #DeathOfAChild #StillbirthStory #StillbirthBlog #TalkingAboutDeath #LifeAndDeathTogether #BabyLoss #BabyLossQuotes #MirandasRandomMusings⁠

I remember being frustrated after Adrian's death,

I remember being frustrated after Adrian's death, because I didn't remember many movies or TV shows talking about stillbirth or the death of a child. I wanted to shout to the world: "Why didn't you warn me?!"⁠
⁠
I've been realizing recently though, I was wrong. The stories were there; I just wasn't remembering them.⁠
⁠
Re-watching old sitcoms recently, and I'm realizing how many of these pieces have been talked about, and frequently. This is an excerpt from the final season of Roseanne, in which Darlene is pregnant, and her child is born premature. In a show that spends a lot of time on humor, this conversation caught me off guard. It also felt SO familiar. SO many questions. SO many "why?'s".⁠
⁠
And while Darlene's story ended differently than mine, I appreciate the resonance. I appreciate that this story was told. I appreciate this story, and many more, even when I wasn't paying attention.⁠
⁠
I am paying attention now.⁠
⁠
#LifeAfterLoss #ThoughtsAboutLoss #ResonanceInMoviesAndTV #RoseanneTVShow #RoseanneTV

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