Keālia Beach 2 - Feature
Keālia Beach, Kaua'i, Hawai'I (Miranda Hernandez)

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Share on facebook
Share on pinterest
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on print
Share on email

The Things I Wish You Would Say

You write my name in the sand. I watch the seawater wash it away. You told me to go, but you think about me all the time. If I live, it’s because you hold me here. If I live, I live in your unspoken memory.

You wonder if I’m real. You wonder if I hear your words. You speak your mantra, say my name. You wonder if anything is worth it.

I know what you really want to talk about. I know the darkness and your fear. I know how you’ve come to hate your stubbornness, and also cling to it. Before I died, you thought it was protective.

You write my name in the sand and you scream apologies. It isn’t a question of fault. There are things that go so much deeper. I never doubted that you love me.

I know what you want to talk about. I know how it pains you when others try to chase your words away. It isn’t a question of guilt. It’s fact — if you had chosen to listen, I would be alive.

You’ve never asked me for forgiveness. This conversation doesn’t center around blame. You write my name, you scream out your apologies. Your regrets are wrapped up in the bonds of your love.

You don’t know if I’m real. You don’t know if I’ll ever hear you. You write my name in the sand, and you speak to empty rooms, and you sit with knowledge so painful that no one else is willing to hold it with you. You wonder if I hold it with you.

If I live, it’s because you hold me here. If I live, it’s all in the strength of your memories. If love could change fact, I would be real. If love could change fact, no one would ever die.

I love you too.

Related Posts:

Miranda’s Chronological Story: Problems in My Pregnancy?
Life as a Grieving Mother: Spiritual Feelings & Beliefs
Topics Page: Death Positivity
Topics Page: Guilt, Fault, & Blame After Loss
Topics Page: Grieving Without God
Letters to Adrian: Mon, Jan 15, 2018, 11:32 AM
Miranda’s Blog: Quora: Perspective of a Non-Believer Following the Death of a Child
Miranda’s Blog: Grieving My Child Without God

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Share on facebook
Share on pinterest
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on print
Share on email
Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

AdrianHernandez_newborn-6 - Feature

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

27 March 2021 – Community

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

31 March 2021 – Clarity

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

26 March 2021 – Landscape

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top