Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)
Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

Echoes in Time

Greyson* is turning two next week. He is walking and talking and eating real food. He also sucks his thumb and crawls into his mama’s lap. I love him. I love you.

Natalie turned on Finding Dory when she went to the store. I remember meeting your Uncle Mason at the theater. The movie was so much sadder than I expected. Or maybe it was hormones?

I see you in my waking dreams. I see your cousins and I think of you. You were right there! You were living. Why aren’t you still living?

I feel your absence in my breathing. I wait for footsteps just around the bend. I hug your ashes and I think, “None of this is real. When I have paid my penance, I will hold you.”

I will never get to hold you.

I am planning for your birthday. You will never have a birthday.

I am living on fast forward. I am living standing still.

In another life, you’re sitting on this patio. You’re holding trains and watching Grey run circles round the dogs. You’re eating fruit and growing tall and everybody smiles. You live in promised futures that were lies.

* Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Related Posts:

Resources Page: Resources for Bereaved Families
Resources Page: Resources Blog for Resources After Loss

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

26 March 2021 – Landscape

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

27 March 2021 – Community

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

31 March 2021 – Clarity

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant