Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)
Download for Instagram

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Sometimes I feel like maybe I wanted him too much. Like the thought of him was too perfect, too necessary to my existence. It literally did not exist in my realm of possibilities that he was anything but inevitable. Did my own hubris bring me down?

Memories Heavy and Sweet

I wrote to him my entire pregnancy. I always intended him to read those letters. I always intended them to be a conversation, a means of marking memories, things I didn’t want to forget. There is nothing I want to forget.

I remember every moment of my pregnancy. I remember every moment of my son’s short life. I remember conception and ultrasounds and morning sickness. I remember every tiny kick and movement. I treasure these things. I treasure these memories.

Even the screams — even that moment.

There is absolutely nothing I want to forget.

Related Posts:

Adrian’s Story: Letters to Adrian
Miranda’s Chronological Story: Miranda’s Story
Topics Page: Death Positivity

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

27 March 2021 – Community

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

26 March 2021 – Landscape

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

31 March 2021 – Clarity

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant