086 – Tue, Feb 6, 2018, 3:52 PM

Succulents in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)
Succulents in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Your mama is grumpy again, little man. Even on days when it feels as if everything is falling together, even on those days, it isn’t enough.

I ordered flower seeds for the backyard. I ordered bluebonnets, though I heard they may not grow here. You should be sitting in bluebonnets, learning to grasp things; starting to smile and hearing me read. I should be reading to you.

I’ve been hearing the lines from that Dr. Seuss book, the one that I did read on the day of your funeral. I’ve been telling myself I’m not afraid. “I said and I said and I said those words. I said them, but I lied them.”

Of course I’m scared. There’s nothing safe. There’s nothing left to hide me. There’s nothing I can point to to say, just keep that away. Just don’t eat red meat, just don’t drink caffeine. Just listen for 10 movements in an hour; he will be fine. I feel these fears now, feel this overpowering need, and I haven’t even started trying.

Your mama is grumpy, little man, and part of it is that this isn’t a conversation I should even be having with you. I shouldn’t be thinking about having another child and things like my age. I should be holding you, introducing you to apple slices. You should be here.

And I feel like this will always be an issue, that I cannot heal without your sibling, but I already love him or her too. None of this is simple. You are both a part of me.

When people ask me about you, I tell them that you are the most beautiful part of my life. I am both ready and terrified for someone to share that with you.

I love you.

Related Posts:
Adrian’s Story: Adrian’s Funeral

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