Flashes of memory—someone asked this question in my grief group the other day: “Do you remember what you were wearing at the funeral?”
And I do remember. I remember it quite vividly.
I remember what I wore to his funeral, primarily because I was only 11 days postpartum. I think people forget this sometimes; forget that when you lose a child around the time that you’ve birthed him, you are still considered postpartum; he still has to be born.
Related: Miranda’s Story: Physical Body After Stillbirth
And so instead of wearing maternity clothing like I had planned in those early days, I had to go shopping and find something that didn’t make me look pregnant; that didn’t emphasize the curves of my body; the swelling that remained. A genuinely surreal experience.
Related: Miranda’s Blog: Pre-Pregnancy Jeans
I also remember what I was wearing when I found out he was dead. It was the height of summer in Texas, and I was wearing a blue circle skirt and a striped maternity top. It was one of my favorite outfits.
And now I can’t stand it, but I also can’t get rid of it.
(This post was originally published on Instagram.)