039 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 4:16 PM

Keālia Beach, Kaua'i, Hawai'I (Miranda Hernandez)
Keālia Beach, Kaua’i, Hawai’I (Miranda Hernandez)

I pushed for three hours. I think I did. It was about 11 am and I was asking the nurse how I would know when it was time. She called the doctor and they talked me through pushing a few times. I don’t remember them checking my cervix after 9cm, but I guess I was ready.

The doctor had to leave. She said she would be back, but after she left, I decided I couldn’t wait. I asked if the midwife was available. I don’t think she was supposed to be on until noon, but they called her, and she came.

She talked me through pushing. It felt like forever and no time at all.

I had lowered my epidural. I wanted to feel my legs. They told me to put my legs into the air and grab the backs of my thighs. They helped.

I pushed unproductively. I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. They told me to hold my breath, to stop pushing in my face. They counted backwards from ten, four times each contraction. They held my hands. I pushed.

The midwife wanted to gather water, to do an amnio from the inside. She tried, but you were too close.

I pushed for hours. Towards the end the pain was intense. I tried increasing the epidural. It felt stuck. I could still feel my legs.

She gave one end of a towel. It had a knot. I tried holding the towel while bearing down. It slipped through my hands.

She wanted to me to change positions. I had always thought if I had the drugs, I’d want to be on my side. I moved, but it hurt! I screamed, the only time I screamed at all. The pain was too much. I stayed on my back. You were very close.

Related:

Adrian’s Story: Adrian’s Birth Story
Miranda’s Story: Physical Body

Letters to Adrian are real letters from a mother to her stillborn child. | 📬 Subscribe to Updates  📬
Return to the Letters to Adrian Homepage.

Scroll to Top