People ask if I’m suicidal, but I don’t think anyone really wants to know the truth. I think about it every day. I look out the door of our cabin and think how easy it would be. I could just jump. It scares me. I don’t think I want to die, but neither do I want to live.
This cruise was a distraction. I am overwhelmed. I think about returning to my normal life and I still don’t care. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be anywhere.
Lillian* finally wrote to me. I understand she is scared. I understand she has new fears, things she never imagined, the way I never imagined losing you. Her silence still hurt. Everything hurts.
You’re gone. You grew in my belly and now you’re gone. I felt you kick and hiccup and stretch, and you’re still gone. I’ll never be ready for you to be gone.
They ask me if I’m suicidal. I think about it all the time.
* Names have been changed to protect privacy.