027 – Mon, Aug 14, 2017 at 12:15 PM

Sunset over the Pacific Ocean, California Coast (Miranda Hernandez)

People ask if I’m suicidal, but I don’t think anyone really wants to know the truth. I think about it every day. I look out the door of our cabin and think how easy it would be. I could just jump. It scares me. I don’t think I want to die, but neither do I want to live.

This cruise was a distraction. I am overwhelmed. I think about returning to my normal life and I still don’t care. I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be anywhere.

Lillian* finally wrote to me. I understand she is scared. I understand she has new fears, things she never imagined, the way I never imagined losing you. Her silence still hurt. Everything hurts.

You’re gone. You grew in my belly and now you’re gone. I felt you kick and hiccup and stretch, and you’re still gone. I’ll never be ready for you to be gone.

They ask me if I’m suicidal. I think about it all the time.

* Names have been changed to protect privacy.

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