The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)
The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

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I didn’t buy any baby things before my first pregnancy, but once I knew I was pregnant, I bought everything. I spent hours on Amazon creating the perfect baby registry. I bought things on sales, I scoured the NextDoor ads for good deals. By the time I was six months pregnant, I had toys and a toddler bed my son would not have used for several years.

When my son was stillborn at 41 weeks, I came home to a complete nursery. All of his clothes were washed and sorted, his diapers laid out next to wipes and creams. And maybe it sounds counterintuitive, but I was thankful. I was thankful I had put so much thought and time into preparing for my son. I was thankful I had these things that were undeniably his, that I could touch and feel and hold on to. There were days I gave serious thought to crawling inside his playpen, and I was so thankful it was there for me to consider doing so. I kept everything.

I’m pregnant now for the second time. This time has been different in many ways. I bought things before this pregnancy. I considered them aspirational, promises of things to come. I spent some time on Zulily last week, and got some good deals on onesies. I picked up a bassinet from a friend. I’m still looking for the perfect “bringing baby home” outfit.

I don’t know what will happen with this pregnancy. It’s still early, I still haven’t told many people. But I will keep preparing. Because that’s what I do. Because these things belong to my second child just as much as my son’s things belong to him. And if something happens this second time, I will be thankful, again, to have things to hold on to.

Related Posts:

Topics Page: Pregnancy After Loss
Resources Page: Resources for Bereaved Families
Resources Page: Resources for Expecting Parents
Resources Page: Resources for Pregnancy & Parenting After Loss
Resources Blog for Resources After Loss: Ways to Honor Your Child
Letters to Adrian: 29w6d – Cravings and a Nest
Letters to Adrian: 31w6d – One Last Road Trip
Letters to Adrian: 38w4d – Almost there…
Letters to Adrian: Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM
Letters to Adrian: Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM
Miranda’s Blog: Baggage
Miranda’s Blog: “If She Dies, I Die”
Miranda’s Blog: 1 January 2019
Miranda’s Blog: Sea Shells
Miranda’s Blog: I Miss My Phone

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

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