The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)
The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

I didn’t buy any baby things before my first pregnancy, but once I knew I was pregnant, I bought everything. I spent hours on Amazon creating the perfect baby registry. I bought things on sales, I scoured the NextDoor ads for good deals. By the time I was six months pregnant, I had toys and a toddler bed my son would not have used for several years.

When my son was stillborn at 41 weeks, I came home to a complete nursery. All of his clothes were washed and sorted, his diapers laid out next to wipes and creams. And maybe it sounds counterintuitive, but I was thankful. I was thankful I had put so much thought and time into preparing for my son. I was thankful I had these things that were undeniably his, that I could touch and feel and hold on to. There were days I gave serious thought to crawling inside his playpen, and I was so thankful it was there for me to consider doing so. I kept everything.

I’m pregnant now for the second time. This time has been different in many ways. I bought things before this pregnancy. I considered them aspirational, promises of things to come. I spent some time on Zulily last week, and got some good deals on onesies. I picked up a bassinet from a friend. I’m still looking for the perfect “bringing baby home” outfit.

I don’t know what will happen with this pregnancy. It’s still early, I still haven’t told many people. But I will keep preparing. Because that’s what I do. Because these things belong to my second child just as much as my son’s things belong to him. And if something happens this second time, I will be thankful, again, to have things to hold on to.

Related Posts:

Topics Page: Pregnancy After Loss
Resources Page: Resources for Bereaved Families
Resources Page: Resources for Expecting Parents
Resources Page: Resources for Pregnancy & Parenting After Loss
Resources Blog for Resources After Loss: Ways to Honor Your Child
Letters to Adrian: 29w6d – Cravings and a Nest
Letters to Adrian: 31w6d – One Last Road Trip
Letters to Adrian: 38w4d – Almost there…
Letters to Adrian: Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM
Letters to Adrian: Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM
Miranda’s Blog: Baggage
Miranda’s Blog: “If She Dies, I Die”
Miranda’s Blog: 1 January 2019
Miranda’s Blog: Sea Shells
Miranda’s Blog: I Miss My Phone

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

31 March 2021 – Clarity

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

27 March 2021 – Community

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

26 March 2021 – Landscape

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top