I started a social media campaign. I probably live in your letters lately. I forget sometimes how it felt in the enormity of those early days. I forget how very lost I felt.
And I think somehow I felt like I would be healed now, like your birthday would be a healing event. Like I felt about that cruise. I will never be healed.
Alex* talked to me about phrasing, about our subconscious minds being unable to understand negation. And so that last sentence means two very different things. And I wonder if it will ever feel that easy? Can I turn off all the “never’s”?
You are (never) coming back.
You (never) left me.
I (never) lost my son.
I will (never) feel like a human being again.
I am broken.
The tears rise up out of nowhere. It is raining. I am drowning.
Some things are bigger than “never”.
I love you.
* Names have been changed to protect privacy.