27 March 2021 – Community

I have been given to the greatest feelings of self-doubt lately. I don’t know why, not in particular. It’s a thing that happens to me sometimes, “out of the blue.” I think a big part of it though is that I am pretty weird.

I was weird before Adrian died, and then after his death I realized I was more weird. I don’t believe in a higher power. I don’t worship or pray or seek meaning. And in places here, like in Megan’s world, I think I find like minds. But sometimes not entirely. And sometimes not at all outside this world.

Sometimes I wonder if my brain is wired differently. Things that seem obvious to others are not obvious to me. And things that make the most sense in my brain can drive other people, even grievers, away.

It happened the other day. I posed a question in a discussion group, and the responses were almost entirely negative. Not negative as in the answer was no, but more as in, why would you even ask these things? And I still struggle, because it still makes sense to me.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if my brain is wired differently. Is it grief? Is it me?

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

24 March 2021 – Emulation

26 March 2021 – Landscape

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

31 March 2021 – Clarity

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top