27 March 2021 – Community

I have been given to the greatest feelings of self-doubt lately. I don’t know why, not in particular. It’s a thing that happens to me sometimes, “out of the blue.” I think a big part of it though is that I am pretty weird.

I was weird before Adrian died, and then after his death I realized I was more weird. I don’t believe in a higher power. I don’t worship or pray or seek meaning. And in places here, like in Megan’s world, I think I find like minds. But sometimes not entirely. And sometimes not at all outside this world.

Sometimes I wonder if my brain is wired differently. Things that seem obvious to others are not obvious to me. And things that make the most sense in my brain can drive other people, even grievers, away.

It happened the other day. I posed a question in a discussion group, and the responses were almost entirely negative. Not negative as in the answer was no, but more as in, why would you even ask these things? And I still struggle, because it still makes sense to me.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder if my brain is wired differently. Is it grief? Is it me?

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
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