Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)
Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

The Push and Pull of Dating After Loss

For a long time, I lived in limbo. I was numb, or I was full of pain. I had no room for anything but survival. He lived in every waking thought and dream.

And it may sound odd, but that completeness was comforting. That pain was my solace, the one thing I could rely on.

You were more than pain. You swept into my life and your presence promised happiness. And I hated that, because happiness wasn’t something I wanted to know. And I hate it more now, standing here, awake and oh so lonely. And this pain isn’t comforting. And this new life feels broken.

And I know it’s not fair that I’m talking to you. I know I’m not a person yet, and you aren’t to blame. But I hate you anyway. I hate how this hurts me. And this pain isn’t anything. But somehow I’m still bleeding.

And afterwards, I find I can’t go back inside the darkness. I can’t get it to cover me. I can’t forget my mind. And if you’re wondering — yes, I do blame you. Because that life was my everything. And this new world is empty. And you dragged me here, kicking and screaming.

I live in the world now, I’m alive and I’m participating. And this will never be okay. And I both hate and I forgive you.

Now please stay. Or go away.


Related Posts:

Topics Page: People & Relationships
Topics Page: Guilt, Fault, & Blame After Loss
Letters to Adrian: Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 6:28 PM
Letters to Adrian: Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM
Write Your Grief: Fairytales
Write Your Grief: Peace

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

27 March 2021 – Community

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

26 March 2021 – Landscape

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

31 March 2021 – Clarity

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top