26 March 2021 – Landscape

In the Midst of Devastation—

I remember being angry when people tried to cheer me up in those early days. I didn’t know much about grief then, but I was quickly learning. I could tell, already, this wasn’t how it worked.

You don’t comfort someone’s grief by denying it exists.
Is it so hard to understand this?

And so, in those early days, I often found comfort by running away. Awkward moment? Leave the room. Want to throw things? Go outside. The trees don’t care if you cry in the midst of them. And if you want, they will shelter you.

(These gnarled arms I ran to)

In those early days, both wanting to lose weight and also hating the idea, I spent a lot of time walking—in the quiet, in the woods.

I found a swing set one day, and I just stared. How are these things real? Will joy always trigger pain?

But also the reverse—the first time I finished an entire workout, or reached 10,000 steps with minimal pain. It was the smallest version of the marathon rush of my earlier life, and it too felt unreal. Normalcy. Finding beauty inside what hurt.

Is this me?

Am I the noble victim who punishes myself back to life again?

Do I have to be?

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

24 March 2021 – Emulation

31 March 2021 – Clarity

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

27 March 2021 – Community

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant