Mama’s been in a mood again, little one. I started school this month. It’s been intense, learning to live again inside rules and structure. I can’t get up and walk away when I need to be alone with you. I don’t have much time alone with you.
I realized about two weeks ago that I need my own space. I’ve probably known it longer, but it’s been hard. Ali* doesn’t deserve what I’ve put her through. She’s tried so much, but I’m just not the old me. We are unwitting disappointments.
I’m putting my body back through more workouts. I slacked a bit, for a while; I probably am depressed. I feel sore after only 10 push-ups, now. I should probably be more worried.
And I thought for a moment, I might want to date again. I certainly wasn’t looking, but sometimes life happens. And I thought about it, and I started panicking. And I think I must be the smallest bit crazy.
I am trapped in this box, but it’s of my own making. I am trapped in this box, but I climbed in. And I wonder sometimes, is this all part of healing? And I wonder sometimes, do I want to be healed?
I signed a lease yesterday. I found the perfect apartment, walking distance to school. And I think about you, and I think about your sibling, and my heart splits in two. And I love her, and I love and miss you.
And I walk today, because I haven’t in too long. I walk, and I breathe, and I think about both of you. And I’m starting to acknowledge that this is my life now. And it sucks, and it’s beautiful. And painful, and true.
You died 10 months ago this morning. It doesn’t seem enough to say I miss you.
* Names have been changed to protect privacy.