A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)
Download for Instagram

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Share on facebook
Facebook
Share on pinterest
Pinterest
Share on twitter
Twitter
Share on tumblr
Tumblr
Share on reddit
Reddit
Share on whatsapp
WhatsApp
Share on print
Print
Share on email
Email
Share on facebook
Share on pinterest
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on print
Share on email

I’m Not Actively Suicidal

I’m not actively suicidal. I used to be. Today, I’m “just” sad.

I go about the tasks of my day. I shower. I do the laundry. I go to school. I am top of my class. I told all this to a friend. She reminded me that Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were pretty badass as well.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I tell people I’m unhappy.

“What do you have to be unhappy about?”

I tell people I’m sad.

They ask if I’m in therapy.

I tell people I’m lonely.

They tell me I should get a hobby. I wish it could be a hobby to be sad and also surrounded by your friends.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I’m not actively suicidal, but I’m realizing this is the beginning. This is the in-between stage; this is where it starts. This is what it looks like when someone is crying out in pain and the entire world tells her, “You’re strong; you’re fine…Simply because I’ve decided you’re not allowed to be anything else.”

I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to stop breathing. But this life I have right now–it doesn’t feel like living.

I will wake up tomorrow. I will eat and bathe and go to school. I will smile at people. I will laugh. This doesn’t mean I’m okay. This doesn’t mean I’m “strong.” It only means I’m functioning. A robot could do just as easily.

I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to be. Please help me.

Please, help me.

Related Posts:

Miranda’s Story: Suicidal Feelings After Loss
Topics Page: People & Relationships
Topics Page: Mental Health After Loss
Letters to Adrian: Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM
Miranda’s Blog: Awareness Isn’t Enough
Miranda’s Blog: Strong

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Share on facebook
Share on pinterest
Share on twitter
Share on tumblr
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on print
Share on email
North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Lakeside in Incline Village 1 - Feature

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

27 March 2021 – Community

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

26 March 2021 – Landscape

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

AdrianHernandez_newborn-6 - Feature

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

31 March 2021 – Clarity

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top