A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)
Download for Instagram

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

I’m Not Actively Suicidal

I’m not actively suicidal. I used to be. Today, I’m “just” sad.

I go about the tasks of my day. I shower. I do the laundry. I go to school. I am top of my class. I told all this to a friend. She reminded me that Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were pretty badass as well.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I tell people I’m unhappy.

“What do you have to be unhappy about?”

I tell people I’m sad.

They ask if I’m in therapy.

I tell people I’m lonely.

They tell me I should get a hobby. I wish it could be a hobby to be sad and also surrounded by your friends.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I’m not actively suicidal, but I’m realizing this is the beginning. This is the in-between stage; this is where it starts. This is what it looks like when someone is crying out in pain and the entire world tells her, “You’re strong; you’re fine…Simply because I’ve decided you’re not allowed to be anything else.”

I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to stop breathing. But this life I have right now–it doesn’t feel like living.

I will wake up tomorrow. I will eat and bathe and go to school. I will smile at people. I will laugh. This doesn’t mean I’m okay. This doesn’t mean I’m “strong.” It only means I’m functioning. A robot could do just as easily.

I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to be. Please help me.

Please, help me.

Related Posts:

Miranda’s Story: Suicidal Feelings After Loss
Topics Page: People & Relationships
Topics Page: Mental Health After Loss
Letters to Adrian: Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM
Miranda’s Blog: Awareness Isn’t Enough
Miranda’s Blog: Strong

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

27 March 2021 – Community

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

26 March 2021 – Landscape

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

31 March 2021 – Clarity

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top