A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)
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28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

I’m Not Actively Suicidal

I’m not actively suicidal. I used to be. Today, I’m “just” sad.

I go about the tasks of my day. I shower. I do the laundry. I go to school. I am top of my class. I told all this to a friend. She reminded me that Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain were pretty badass as well.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I tell people I’m unhappy.

“What do you have to be unhappy about?”

I tell people I’m sad.

They ask if I’m in therapy.

I tell people I’m lonely.

They tell me I should get a hobby. I wish it could be a hobby to be sad and also surrounded by your friends.

I’m not actively suicidal.

I’m not actively suicidal, but I’m realizing this is the beginning. This is the in-between stage; this is where it starts. This is what it looks like when someone is crying out in pain and the entire world tells her, “You’re strong; you’re fine…Simply because I’ve decided you’re not allowed to be anything else.”

I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to stop breathing. But this life I have right now–it doesn’t feel like living.

I will wake up tomorrow. I will eat and bathe and go to school. I will smile at people. I will laugh. This doesn’t mean I’m okay. This doesn’t mean I’m “strong.” It only means I’m functioning. A robot could do just as easily.

I’m not actively suicidal. I don’t want to be. Please help me.

Please, help me.

Related Posts:

Miranda’s Story: Suicidal Feelings After Loss
Topics Page: People & Relationships
Topics Page: Mental Health After Loss
Letters to Adrian: Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM
Miranda’s Blog: Awareness Isn’t Enough
Miranda’s Blog: Strong

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

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