106 – Fri, May 18, 2018, 6:18 PM

Keālia Beach, Kaua’i, Hawai’i (Miranda Hernandez)
Keālia Beach, Kaua’i, Hawai’i (Miranda Hernandez)

I was always curious about that Christmas movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life”. I didn’t understand the so seemingly ironic title, and I wasn’t quick to listen. I always thought it meant that everything was just okay because it was Christmas. I’ve never felt that way about Christmas.

If I were to relate to the world right now, I would probably do so through pain. It’s so very much a part of me. It often feels inevitable. And when I take steps now, into the world, I am unsurprised by pain. Or, I’m unsurprised in principle. There are still sneaking moments.

I used to think romantic loss was the worst thing in the world. I used to think I’d never climb past pain of broken hearts. But my heart didn’t break when I lost you; it shattered. And I guess I just assumed — I didn’t know an almost romance could also still hurt too. Does it hurt more or less because of you?

And I hesitate to say these things, even knowing you won’t read them. I think I thought protection meant a large and sturdy shield. And I’m trying so hard to understand what control means, and that I don’t have any of it. And oh — how I will always miss you.

I finally looked up the plot line of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Ironic that the story seems applicable to me. Ironic that I judged something that now feels maybe powerful.

I love you, little man.

I will always wonder what other life we could have lived.

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