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Miranda’s Blog

Miranda's Blog 2021
Miranda's Blog 2020
Miranda's Blog 2019
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Letters to Adrian

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Florida · I don't call my daughter a rainbow baby because she deserves her own identity · Friday the 13th · idealization of rainbow babies · Writing as a means of reflection and processing in grief · physical feeling of absence · Induction of Labor (IOL) · single mother by choice (SMC) · bluebonnets and daisies · secondary losses after the loss of a child · I can't breathe · if god's plan includes the death of my child I don't think I want a relationship with god · breastmilk and lactation after loss · I love the ocean · risk factors in pregnancy · pain has a purpose · I used to be obsessed with control but that changed after loss · Baby Grace · Adrian's Elephant on Instagram · an exhaustion that is more than just physical · Alex · good intentions are best revealed by changing behavior you've been told is hurtful · fear after loss · desire to rewind or rewrite the past · there is no "at least" in grieving · grief is like having a long-term concussion · I will always wonder about the color of your eyes · I wish time would just standstill · "passed away" and other euphemisms for death · flashbacks of Adrian's death · I feel off-balance · Uncle Mason · "people here will miss you" · mental health after loss · mental health professional; counselor or therapist · "everything is going to be fine" · tragedy isn't just the thing that happens to OTHER people · "it happened for a reason" · Adrian lives on in me · Adrian's name · there but for a twist of fate · Life goes on after loss and that is really hard · loving condescension · comfort cub · i don't mind prayer if it has been invited · this strange duality where I am fine and also heartbroken · Kaua'i · we used to say "committed suicide" · Moving forward · acceptance of fear and uncertainty · my time in the hospital before and after Adrian's birth · Akhilandeshvari · Suicide prevention · Baby Ava Rayne · physical activity is grounding after loss · wearing baggy clothing to hide postpartum body after loss · I am a different person after losing my son · "waking up" again after the fog of grief · warning signs of stillbirth · Commonality and community in loss and grief · not being able to cry · anniversaries of important dates · Alternate reality or what could have been · my doula during Adrian's pregnancy and delivery · open letter · living on fast forward after the death of a child · One year ago · importance of testing urine in pregnancy · I spent a lot of time walking after the death of my son · Adrian's birthday · swelling in pregnancy can be a sign of preeclampsia · thankful and grieving at the same time · need to feel busy · I think I want people to go away but I also need community · Adrian's footprint tattoo · Adrian's conception · "babies run out of room" · Isolation or loneliness in loss and grief · making sense of or rejoining life after loss · Adrian's birth · Going back to work after the death of my child · Adrian's due date · the complications of losing weight after the loss of a child · I wonder so many things about you · non stress testing (NST) · medical management of pregnancy · 4th Trimester Bodies Project · Anger and rage after loss · power of authenticity · moving without him · Bereaved motherhood · body image and body dysmorphia after pregnancy loss · I live for you · stillborn babies don't get a birth certificate · "morning sickness" is all day sickness · I AM a mother · Adrian will always be my firstborn child · atheism agnosticism and general disbelief · fog of grief · asking "how are you?" of someone who is grieving · "you're so strong"; strong-shaming the bereaved · windows on other worlds · I feel broken after the death of my child · decreased fetal movement · Landon's Legacy Retreat · friend Ali · "it's not your fault" · actively suicidal; suicidal-with-a-plan · grief lasts forever because that's how long love lasts · silence at your birth · Adrian is a big brother · "and" and anding · HELLP Syndrome · time-measured kick counts · Aunt Jessica · Nature isn't perfect · expectant management of overdue pregnancy · death certificate for a stillborn child · Preeclampsia · Grandmother · I'm scared to forget you · Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) · I still look pregnant after my full-term stillbirth · there is no safe point in pregnancy · Yoga · thankfulness is not a cure for grief · Adrian's ashes · Memories of my pregnancy with Adrian · wanting to die but not feeling actively suicidal · permanence of death · minimal interventions in labor and delivery · echoes of the past · the problem with handing out the number to the suicide hotline · parenting in loss · running away from life after the loss of my son · Crying and tears · high blood pressure in pregnancy · Halloween · a child subsequent to loss is not a replacement · think before you speak · the second year after loss · New Zealand · I still look pregnant · donating breastmilk after pregnancy loss · I sometimes feel like an outsider in my grief · stillborn but still BORN · dangers of home dopplers · gestational diabetes in pregnancy · right upper quadrant pain · myths about pregnancy · 30 June 2017 · honoring Adrian's memory · always two · blaming the parents when a child dies · cult of positivity · the Before and the After · Adrian's Elephant · Help and support after the death of a child · feeling phantoms kicks or phantom movement after loss · severe headache in pregnancy may indicate preeclampsia · instant connection with others in grief · Mexico · Miranda's guest posts on other sites · movements matter; importance of tracking fetal movement in pregnancy · drowning in waves of grief · Friend Lillian · darkness of loss and grief · died by suicide · I keep coming back to this concept of "fair" · nothing in life is guaranteed · I came home to a fully furnished nursery and no living child · my own personal rain cloud · Adrian's hand and footprints · feeling alive again after loss · second blue line on the pregnancy test · life insurance covers a fetus past 20 weeks gestation · advanced maternal age (AMA) · disloyal to your memory · everything happens but not for a reason · Perfect birth · Going through the motions of life and still feeling disconnected after losing a child · Peanut · Feeling empty or numb after loss · who I used to be · my body failed to keep my son alive · "strange" things bereaved parents do · Amy Anne · sometimes I need to be physically alone · "there is no heartbeat" · Uncle Jackson · I was a pregnancy nerd · Traveling as a means of escape after loss · Finding grace in life after loss · Donor Timothy · religious or spiritual beliefs · I wanted a natural birth · thoughts about deities or a higher power · "better" is a relative term · "No!" · holding onto baby weight after losing a child · hiding from the world after loss · placental abruption · San Antonio · signs from the afterlife? · fork in time · fun is hard when you're grieving · child subsequent to loss · alles geht · Reflections on my life before and after loss · you need to do better · mother's day · High risk pregnancy · Thanksgiving · the nurses at Adrian's birth were amazing · "meant to be" · what does it mean to "heal" or "cure" grief? · beautiful terror of pregnancy after loss · Support groups · California · stretch marks or tiger stripes · Excited and looking forward to things before loss · you don't "get over" loss · no right or wrong way to cope · I lost friends after my loss · depictions of loss and grief in the media · I don't want to think about the future because it's a future without my son · Adrian's funeral · my friend Jake · empty arms after the loss of a child · patterns of fetal activity · Washington D.C. · 29 June 2017 · new and old grief · Truths about grief · I'm trying to be okay · I am not okay · I wish I had saved you · I think everything is a metaphor · Aunt Alexis · also shared on Medium.com · counseling or therapy · 39 weeks of pregnancy · intense fit of fetal activity · your baby could die · breath is grounding · thoughts about the afterlife · simplicity of early grief · Adrian's death · suicidal thoughts or ideations · tearing pain underneath right ribs · "don't talk like that" · my love/hate relationship with Facebook · regret after the loss of a child · cousin Caleb · cousin March · Charles Xavier · "have another baby" as if children as interchangeable · Uncle Tyler · questions answered on Quora.com · I probably watch too much TV · freedom of movement in labor · money matters and death · ennui and depression after loss · choosing to live when you yearn to die · things that fill up my time during grief · physicality of grief · Liam · grief in older generations · overdue pregnancy · the problem with positivity · my child shouldn't require a trigger warning · awkwardness surrounding loss and grief · I fight against happiness after loss · humor even in grief · not being able to miss you · treehugging nature lover · Saki · early days after the loss of my son · Things people say to the bereaved · integration of loss and grief · Lake Tahoe · I don't normally curse but sometimes the word fuck seems apt · Happiness is complicated when you're grieving · music and singing during grief · dividing line between miscarriage and stillbirth · anti-depressant medication · importance of kick counting · Pregnancy interventions · maternity photos from my pregnancy with Adrian · dating while grieving is complicated · my parents · San Diego · how many children do you have? · I was obsessed with spreadsheets and planning · 1 in 2000 · I don't want to die anymore · "everything happens for a reason" · dreaming about Adrian or Peanut · Aunt Caroline · I honestly thought the chances of stillbirth were 1 in a million not 1 in 160

Visit our sister site: Plain Talk Pregnancy – Evidence-Based; Human-Oriented

Visit our sister site:
Plain Talk Pregnancy

Instagram post 17912346928861852

Instagram post 17912346928861852

It's a common question the bereaved experience aft

It's a common question the bereaved experience after loss, particularly if or when a loss may have been preventable:⁠
⁠
"Why didn't you..."⁠
⁠
It's also a form of distancing; of inserting a barrier in the conversation.⁠
⁠
"Why didn't you [insert second-guessing statement here]?⁠
𝘐 would have [insert action].⁠
…(and so this would never have happened 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦)."⁠
⁠
And while I understand why you think or say these kinds of things, I need you to understand how very much your words are not helpful.⁠
⁠
It's easy to second-guess a situation when you are looking back on it from the outside. It's easy to think or say you would have done things differently, but you don't know for certain.⁠
⁠
Nobody knows how they would react to any given situation until they are in the midst of it. And yet people ask these questions anyway.⁠
⁠
Please don't.⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
#WordsMatterInSupportAfterLoss⁠
⁠
#AJHGraphics #NotesForTheSupportTeam #WordsMatter #LifeAfterLoss #SupportAfterLoss #HowToHelp #HowCanIHelp #SupportTeam #SecondGuessing #ImSorryForYourLoss

When Adrian first died, I felt like an outsider; a

When Adrian first died, I felt like an outsider; a person without community. I was a mother, but my child wasn't visible. I was a single woman, but I wasn't childfree by choice.⁠
⁠
I didn't "belong" anywhere.⁠
⁠
And then I became pregnant with Peanut, and suddenly community found me.⁠
⁠
It took me a while to realize how much that community wanted to focus on my living child to the exclusion of the one who was dead.⁠
⁠
And it hurt.⁠
⁠
It hurts to feel like my son is a painful topic; something to be treated as taboo.⁠
⁠
It hurts when people jump from my statements about Adrian to asking if I have "tried again" since then.⁠
⁠
It hurts when they focus on Peanut and her identity, but refuse to mention my firstborn.⁠
⁠
It's a silence I remember. Not one, but two.⁠
⁠
He existed too.⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
#LettersToAdrian - read the full letter at the link in bio⁠
⁠
#Stillbirth #ChildLoss #PregnancyLoss #PregnancyAfterLoss #ParentingAfterLoss #GrievingAChild #ChildLossGrief #OurFamilyIsMissingSomeone #SeaGlassFamily #AlwaysTwo

Four years ago this month, and yes, I STILL rememb

Four years ago this month, and yes, I STILL remember—⁠
⁠
I remember your eyes. Your calm, collected countenance, even though you seemed a bit rushed.⁠
⁠
I wonder if you would admit that now? It was an afternoon appointment and things were backed up. Scheduling, maybe?⁠
⁠
In any case, you did give me more time than I thought I might get elsewhere. I loved this aspect of midwifery care. I loved the ability to ask all of my questions. You made me feel like I was safe with you.⁠
⁠
How I wish I had been safe with you.⁠
⁠
I think about your smiling face and your easy-going ways.⁠
⁠
𝘗𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘯𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦. 𝘓𝘦𝘵'𝘴 𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘰𝘺 𝘪𝘵.⁠
⁠
𝘓𝘦𝘵'𝘴 𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘢𝘺𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘶𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 "𝘯𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯".⁠
⁠
"𝘈𝘥𝘷𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘢𝘨𝘦", 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘢 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.⁠
⁠
After all, I was "only" 35.⁠
⁠
I was only 35 and I was sucked in by wanting everything to be natural, and you made me feel like I could trust you.⁠
⁠
But when things got hard, you disappeared. Why was it your 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘳 who called instead of you? And why did 𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘦 of you show up to the funeral? Why did none of you check on me after that first day? How did you take my money and disappear? Are you proud of yourselves?⁠
⁠
I remember your eyes at that last appointment. How you looked up at me when I told you he wasn't moving as much as usual.⁠
⁠
Was there a question there? Were you worried about me?⁠
⁠
I wish you would have said something. But mostly, you seemed in a hurry for me to leave.⁠
⁠
I remember your face on that last day, because I was looking for reassurance from you. I had noticed these things that were unusual for me. I was worried, but you were not.⁠
⁠
You failed me. You failed my child. You sent me home and told me I was "fine."⁠
⁠
You didn't give me anything to be cautious of; to watch out for. And only one week later, my child died.⁠
⁠
And somehow, I 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 see your smiling, easy-going face.⁠
⁠
I wonder what you see of mine?⁠
⁠
~⁠
⁠
#MirandasBlog (full post available at link in bio)⁠
Image credit Mybona via Getty Images

When I was new in my grief, I often didn't have wo

When I was new in my grief, I often didn't have words. My brain wasn’t ready yet; I was struggling with living.⁠
⁠
Almost four years out now, and I'm finally feeling ready to share.⁠
⁠
But now, somehow, when I talk about my child, people make assumptions.⁠
⁠
They assume I am hurting.⁠
They assume I need help.⁠
They assume I am not "over" his death. (As if death is something that can be "gotten over").⁠
⁠
They assume, most of all, that I am sharing as a means of outcry; that my words mean I need advice or love or hugs. (And please know, I appreciate these things! If not for themselves, then for the proof they provide of your love. I am always thankful for your love).⁠
⁠
I also need to ask you to listen—⁠
⁠
Because often, when I share about my deceased child, that's all I'm looking for: An ear. A person to open their heart to experience. Someone to take a moment in their day to read and acknowledge, without trying to analyze me.⁠
⁠
I am a bereaved mother.⁠
⁠
I am also a writer, and this is how I process and communicate.⁠
⁠
None of this means I'm broken; not in the way you mean.⁠
⁠
Please stop trying to fix me.⁠
⁠
𝐎𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝, 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐝𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐮𝐠𝐬. 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭, 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡.⁠
𝐎𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧, 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐈 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧.⁠
⁠
#AJHGraphics #BereavedParent #BereavedMother #LifeAfterLoss #ActiveListening #HowToHelp #HowToSupport #PleaseListen #WhatINeed #Grief

I'm going to admit something right now that is inc

I'm going to admit something right now that is incredibly embarrassing. I'm going to admit it, because I think it's important to talk about. It's important to point out that even a bereaved mother such as myself can have a history of grief faux pas.⁠
⁠
Before Adrian died, I had very little sense of the impact of death. It was an abstract concept to me. I had known people who had died, but nobody close enough to trigger intense grief. And so, when someone in my circle lost a child, I misunderstood.⁠
⁠
Like most situations, there are some details to the story, and most of them are not my privilege to share. But when I saw that this person's relative had posted on Facebook about their child dying, instead of the parent themselves, my first thought was that the parent must not have cared…⁠
⁠
I want to smack myself today, because of course this is not true! But it is what I believed at the time, and I wonder how many other outsiders are feeling this way about me, or about other bereaved parents, today? And this is why I'm sharing.⁠
⁠
I'm sharing, because I think there is this unspoken assumption that appearances are everything: ⁠
⁠
If someone isn't tearing out their hair or doing the other things you "expect" of a grieving person, then they must not be feeling "real" grief.⁠
⁠
If someone is laughing, or chooses to go on an exotic vacation, then they must be "cured" of the pain of their child's loss, and now it's okay to pretend the loss never happened.⁠
⁠
And of course, these things are not true. But I know, even now, they are things that some people still believe.⁠
⁠
I am ashamed of what my first thoughts were when I heard about this child's death. And it wasn't until I lost my own son that I realized how completely clueless I had been.⁠
⁠
Grief is hard, and death isn't often talked about. And this is one of the reasons I write today. Because these stories are still happening, and your loved ones are still being hurt by them, and it's something you need to know.⁠
⁠
#NotesForTheSupportTeam :⁠
𝐍𝐨𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐫𝐧 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐠𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐟. 𝐖𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐭 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐲.

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