I haven’t been writing. I try, and the words don’t flow. I’m avoiding prompts. I’m living in old letters. I feel like I’m losing more of you.
I remember the feel of those early days. I remember when tears were always on call. I remember when I didn’t have to close my eyes to think of you. I close my eyes now and I barely see you.
I want to know this is all part of grief. I want to know I’m not done grieving you. Because life can’t be this hard for no reason. Because I can’t be reduced to this emptiness with no ending.
I’m back in the world now, and I hate it. I’m back in the world, and it’s suffocating me. I’m back in the world, and I’ve never felt so lonely. I’m lonely!
And I wish I could say that I miss you, that you didn’t feel so far away. But I think what I miss most now is how it felt to know I missed you. How it felt to have that certainty. I’m missing having certainty.
I haven’t been writing to you, and part of it is that this is what I’d write. This is all I know right now. This is all I have to say.
I’m coming to terms that this is my life now. My life without you. My life without anything.