Sunset over Arizona - Feature
Sunset over Arizona (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

Sometimes I look back on things I’ve written and I feel surprised. I had forgotten about that day, forgotten about that phrase. Sometimes, my own innocent words can make me cry. I hold on to those entries. They feel like portals.

Love Means Talking About Hard Things

When I was pregnant, I went through a bad week. It started when I received an email informing me an old co-worker had died. I then heard that my cousin’s 10 week old infant, who I had only recently found out existed, had also passed away. I didn’t know how to deal with either of these things. I hadn’t been close to my co-worker or my cousin, and I hadn’t spoken to either of them in more than seven years.

That week, I was at the mall shopping for some last-minute necessities, sitting down in the food court with greasy take-out Chinese, when it hit me — the desire to write. I wrote to my son throughout my pregnancy, and I realized that day this was a key decision: do I write and tell him everything, or do I hide it all away?

I know from reading mommy blogs and many conversations that parents often hide things from their children. To their credit, I think a lot of it stems from a desire to protect, to save them from worry. I don’t know what a 10 year old could do about money problems or a grandmother who favored the male grandchildren. I do think, though, there are things that can and should be shared, used as discussion points to help us understand our world. When I paused that day in that mall, I realized I believed death was one of those things.

And so I wrote to my son, I wrote to him about death. I wrote to him in a way that I hoped would be understandable, inside of a framework that explained that I told him these things out of love. Because I think love includes talking about hard things. Because I think love includes telling someone, “When you fall on hard times, I am here for you. When things go terribly wrong, I won’t run away.”

And this is what I told my son. I told him that these deaths had saddened me, and I told him about my confusion on what to do. And I told him that, for his sake, I wanted things to be different. I wanted to build tighter bonds with family, I wanted to become a better friend. I wanted these things for him.

And here is where it becomes ironic, because although I made those statements for him, everything I did afterwards became so important to me. And I read this letter at the end of a retreat last summer, and I realized that although it was written for my son, it could also be addressed to me.

And I went for Chinese food yesterday, greasy take-out in a food court in a different city, and it all came flooding back to me. And I read this letter again last night, and I realized it will probably never not make me cry. And I treasure that, because it’s real. Because I chose to talk about the hard things. Because I chose to share that with my son, and I will always have that, and he will always have me.

Related Posts:

Adrian’s Story: Letters to Adrian
Topics Page: Death Positivity
Topics Page: People & Relationships
Letters to Adrian: 33w2d

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

31 March 2021 – Clarity

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

North Star Resort - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

27 March 2021 – Community

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

26 March 2021 – Landscape

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top