091 – Sun, Mar 11, 2018, 1:10 PM

Daisies (Miranda Hernandez)
Daisies (Miranda Hernandez)

There’s a house on my walk full of daisies. I told the gardener I didn’t realize that they grew in bushes. I would like bushes of white daisies in our backyard. I would like bushes of daisies everywhere.

I feel like I checked out this past week. I’ve never been very good at being sick. It’s so easy to go from excitement and participation to wondering, “Why am I here?”
And I realize I just said “excitement” above and I don’t know how I feel about that.

I’ve been doing so much work on your website. It’s the first thing to really give me purpose. And I come back to myself, sometimes, and I remember those moments when I struggled to do anything, when I wondered if I would ever really be alive. I miss those times. Grief felt simpler, then. More immediate.

I am a thinker. I am academic. I have often examined the symptoms of my grief. It still feels so weird to me. The simplest things now make me cry. I examine those tears under a microscope. I examine everything, all while I’m feeling it.

School is starting soon. I think that I can do this. I think this time has helped me. I still ache for you.

Maybe that’s the truth I didn’t understand. I thought it was disloyal to move on without you. I still do.

I love you.

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