113 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:02 AM


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I didn’t think I would write today. Words are hard, lately. Life feels hard, like holding on to the outgoing tide. . I’ve been eating like crap, lots of takeout and homemade frosting from testing out your cake. I wanted so much to be that Pinterest mom. Fondant is hard! . I had trouble getting out of bed this morning. I have trouble finding motivation, sometimes. These days feel uncomfortably familiar. I wonder if I’m regressing. . I still don’t understand this reliance on a calendar. What makes this month so difficult? Would it change in a leap year? . I came home from walking the dog and found the mail had been delivered. Somebody registered a star in your name. Anonymously. There was no name on the card. . You’d think sad moments were the ones that triggered tears. You’d think kind companionship would only bring you joy. But I’m realizing, as tears are flowing fast and freely, love can also be a bolster, a piece of shelter where it’s safe to truly grieve. I needed this support. . I weighed myself on a whim this morning. Somehow I’m still in a “healthy” place. I probably need to eat better, though. I’m trying. . I found a bakery that does vegan cakes. I still want everything to be perfect for you, even if I can’t create it. You would have been one year old in seven days. . I miss you.

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