I realized today that for the rest of my life, every new supervisor is going to ask me if I have children.
I’ve felt like such a horrible person because I’ve been so numb this week. Now I sit in my car and my eyes fill with tears, and I realize that what I dread more than being asked if I have children is not being asked anything at all.
I could say so many things right now. I could say that this isn’t the life that I planned. I could say that I miss you. I could say that I wish I was anywhere else and nowhere all at the same time. I could say that this numbness hurts just as much as this false façade I have to put on for all these new people in my life. I could say all these things, but none of them touch on the core of my truth.
I am darkness; I am lost; I am emptiness; I am gone. I am long days and lonely hours spent surrounded by people. I am everything and all things and nothing at all.
It’s only been 5 months and my heart races with absolute certainty that I will never be okay, never be the same, ever again. But I promised you I would be okay. Some days that’s all that holds me here.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I’m so glad I’ve found my tears.