It’s a common sentiment in bereaved spaces that the “how can I best support you?” question is hard, and hard on both sides. Friends and family want to help, but often don’t know what to offer. Bereaved parents want to feel supported, but often don’t have the presence of mind to determine what they might need.
My personal experience with this scenario led me to write an advisory blog post for friends and family, and that post later became one of our printable handouts on concrete ways to support a loved one after loss.
…But a lot of the items covered there don’t perfectly translate to a more professional audience like yours. When you are approaching a bereaved parent as a provider, staff member, or bereavement coordinator, support may look different.
Below are some concrete actions you can take to better support bereaved parents in your care:
Offer Information
The Bereavement Coordinator and Provider homepages on our website offer links to a number of informational handouts for bereaved families, covering situations like funeral planning, options for lactation after loss, and even resources like free journal prompts. I recommend providing copies of the more general brochures to all bereaved parents, and having copies of specialized brochures available to meet specific needs.
Not sure which brochures apply to a specific situation? The next item will help you answer that.
Facilitate a Needs Checklist
Create a local checklist of the resources your facility is able to support. This checklist should include both internal services your facility offers and also external services that you can connect a bereaved parent with.
One important note: in the earliest days of loss, bereaved parents may not want to and/or may not be able to handle completing the checklist themselves. In this case, ensure a nurse or other staff member is available to assist.
Help with Communication
In the immediate aftermath of loss, bereaved parents may struggle with saying the concrete words, “my child died”. I am personally grateful for the doctor who called my sister for me from the testing room because I was crying so hard I couldn’t. I also appreciated the nurse who offered to call my prenatal provider, because it hadn’t yet occurred to me. But in addition to that, there are many other initial conversations that can be made easier by a third-party: calling the bereaved parent’s support person, making first contact with a selected funeral home, or even helping with initial contact for a bereaved parent’s workplace.
Although there may be local policies or HIPAA restrictions that affect some of these conversations, I encourage you to explore them to find a workable solution for your jurisdiction. Sometimes having a bereaved parent sign a contact waiver can still be easier for them to handle than having to make those initial contacts on their own.
Coordinate a Warm Handoff for Other Medical Needs
As an extension of the above point, bereaved parents also often require follow-up medical care and referrals to other departments. In addition to coordinating these referrals, please also consider providing a warm hand-off to the other provider(s), ensuring the bereaved parent isn’t having to explain their situation from scratch. Worse yet, (as happened to me), this helps to ensure a provider doesn’t accidentally congratulate a bereaved parent on their new baby!
Offer Remembrance Items
Many hospitals have relationships with charitable organizations that provide remembrance boxes and other tokens. If your facility doesn’t do this, please consider reaching into your community to establish a relationship and/or working to create your own remembrance gifts.
A short list of recommended items to include in memory boxes is available here.
Connect to Other Remembrance Providers
In addition to physical tokens, there are also often services you can offer or recommend. Please ensure your facility maintains and offers contact information for bereavement photographers, religious and spiritual personnel, and any other service providers who offer support. Some potential services may include: bereavement doulas, massage therapists, support groups, and even memorial artists.
If appropriate and requested, offer warm hand-offs here as well.
Offer Professional Forms of Physical Comfort and Warmth
Even within the bounds of a professional relationship, there are still means of offering physical comfort and warmth. One thing I appreciated was being offered tea when meeting with a provider. Pleasant scents in a spray bottle or diffuser (if allowed) can also be comforting, as well as soft pillows, stuffed animals, and blankets. And if you and the bereaved parent both feel comfortable, you can also offer a hug.
Anniversary and Milestone Acknowledgments
As a professional medical provider or staff member, you will likely only need to see a bereaved parent for a few hours or days. Regardless, there are ways of ensuring they feel remembered and supported even after your professional service is complete. Consider sending cards either on holidays like Christmas (if appropriate), and/or on Mother’s or Father’s Day. You can also send a personal acknowledgement around their child’s birth or death anniversary, or invite them to participate in remembrance memorials and events. All of these things can remind a bereaved parent that both they and their child are remembered and loved, and that can make a world of difference.
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I’d love to hear from you. Are you already doing anything on this list? Is there anything you would add?
Related Posts:
Resources for Bereavement Coordinators
Resources for Prenatal Providers
