I went to yoga again. Something was off.
Jason’s* wife is due soon. I told him today that he would know what to do. I feel like that should be true. My body knew what to do, just completely out of order. I failed you.
I live with this anger, this endless rage. I lay still in yoga, but all the time I want to scream. I lay still in yoga, and the tears don’t come, and I feel so far away from you. I’m lost.
I said in the circle that I feel broken, like there’s something wrong with me, that maybe I’m not meant to be a mother. My body is broken, it doesn’t know the right way to function. I ache for you.
One year ago tomorrow, I found out you were real. I fight to make you more than just a dream.
* Names have been changed to protect privacy.