North Star Resort - Feature
North Star Resort, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

20 Feb 2018 – Flight

Old Dreams and Missing Memories

I’ve always been attracted to things like flight. I scuba dive because I love that feeling of moving from strata to strata in the water as if I am a bird of prey. When I finally learned to snowboard, after fits and starts and broken bones; when I finally learned to let go, to spin, to embrace my speed; when I finally learned these things, I felt free. It was flight.

It’s been a few years since then since the last run I took down that hill in Pennsylvania. It’s been a few years since I glided and spun, digging heels and then toes and then one opposite the other; together; moving my hips and my body into that shape that felt free. I wonder if I even imagined it could be the last time?

Things got busier. I traveled for work. I hurt my knee. They say it’s common as you get older. I spent the next winter away from the snow, feeling its call, a missing. The following winter I moved. Or — I moved in the summer before winter even began. I moved to a state where the weather was different. I moved, and I missed it, but I wanted him more.

I planned for my son. I knew it was hard. I knew that we needed to be situated. I realized that year I would never see snow, not again as a single person. And that was right. It was time to consider my family.

I found the snow again today. I found flight, and I’m spinning, and it all came back so easily. And I watch as the children go flying down the mountain, and everything feels empty. I would give anything to be sitting on the bunny slopes, towing a tiny sled, watching my son’s face as he tries to eat the mystery. These are memories I’m missing. These are things I’ll never know. My grief rises up and swallows me, and I hate that I am dancing.

I am gifted with abilities I no longer care to know. I don’t belong here anymore. I no longer yearn for flight.

Related Posts:

Topics Page: Postpartum Body After Loss
Letters to Adrian: Sat, Oct 21, 2017, 8:37 PM
Letters to Adrian: Sat, Feb 17, 2018, 3:55 PM
Write Your Grief: Time

Posts written in response to prompts from Megan Devine’s Refuge in Grief writing program.
Return to Write Your Grief Homepage

Share this post via:

Birds on the Pacific Coast in California - Feature

22 Feb 2018 – Fuck

A Letter from the In-Between (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda staring off into the distance (Synch Media)

28 Jul 2018 – A Letter from the In-Between

Sunset over the Pacific 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – Nuclear Bomb Part 2

Palm trees over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Beauty

22 March 2021 – Kindness…

Miranda on the Pacific Coast 2 - Feature

10 Feb 2018 – This is How I Feel About Life

Sleeping Giant Trail 1 - Feature

25 Feb 2018 – That Day

Julia Pfeiffer Burns Plant1 - Feature

7 Feb 2018 – Tests

26 March 2021 – Landscape

20 March 2021 – The Absence of Memory

Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park, Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

22 May 2018 – I only write to ghosts. You must be one of them.

Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Time

Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

21 Jun 2018 – The After

31 Jan 2018 – Choice

18 March 2021 – What I Wish You Knew

The first blanket and baby toy Miranda purchased for Peanut (Miranda Hernandez)

29 Oct 2018 – Baby Things

Miranda on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

28 May 2018 – Planet Miranda

Miranda on the shore of Lake Tahoe, California (photo used with permission)

23 Aug 2018 – Windows

30 March 2021 – The 13th Guest

Lakeside in Incline Village 3

14 Feb 2018 – I love you. Please.

24 March 2021 – The One I Avoided Last Time

Title: My Personal Experience with Grief | overlaid on an image of Miranda in Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

29 Jan 2018 – Grief

17 March 2021 – Who I Used to Be

Title: A Letter to My Fellow Bereaved | overlaid on an image of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Feb 2018 – I Love You

Seagulls on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

27 May 2018 – Fairytales

19 March 2021 – Where I Live Now

A Letter to My Belly (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda making a heart on her belly (Synch Media)

24 Feb 2018 – A Letter to My Belly after the Stillbirth of my Firstborn Child

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

2 Jun 2018 – Peace

Lakeside in Incline Village, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

13 Feb 2018 – The Condition of My Heart

24 March 2021 – Emulation

Keālia Beach 1 - Feature

8 Feb 2018 – Prickly

Miranda with Adrian's First Blanket - SQ

2 Feb 2018 – Elephant Onesies

Pinecrest Lake 1 - Feature

26 Feb 2018 – The Nuclear Bomb

4 April 2021 – Memories Part 2

Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

Sunlight through the trees, North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

25 Aug 2018 – Amy Anne

Matthiola flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

26 Sep 2018 – Dear Grace

27 March 2021 – Community

30 March 2021 – Subsumed Grief

Hiking the Sleeping Giant Trail, Kapaa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

3 Feb 2018 – The Kindest Thing

31 March 2021 – Clarity

21 March 2021 – Does Grief Mourn?

Close up of Miranda and Adrian in the hospital after Adrian's birth. Both of their eyes are closed, and Miranda is holding Adrian's hand

6 Feb 2018 – Regret

Title: Grief is a Mother, Too | overlaid on an image of Miranda and Elephant on the coast at sunset (Synch Media)

2 Feb 2018 – Grief is a Mother, Too

Amy's collar (Miranda Hernandez)

12 Sep 2018 – Three Dishes

Limp hand holding a cell phone

26 Mar 2019 – The Worst Thing that Never Happened

Memories (Write Your Grief) | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast at sunset (Synch Media)

18 Feb 2018 – Memories

Sunset over the California desert, with highway signs in the distance (Miranda Hernandez)

1 Feb 2018 – Photos

Wide angle view of Miranda standing on a deserted beach in California at sunset. She is wearing a pink kimono fluttering in the breeze (Synch Media)

30 Jan 2018 – The Second Death

Chalk drawings on the sidewalk (Miranda Hernandez)

18 Mar 2018 – Someone Else’s Birthday

A seagull over the Pacific Ocean - Feature

9 Feb 2018 – No

Sunset over Arizona - Feature

12 Feb 2018 – Hard Things

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top