Close up image of a stethoscope and a blood pressure machine (Rallef, Getty Images)
Stethoscope and a blood pressure machine (Rallef, Getty Images)

It’s so much more than high blood pressure; What I wish I’d known about Preeclampsia before it killed my child

Miranda's Blog

When I was pregnant with Adrian, I remember reading about preeclampsia in my prenatal education books and also here and there in articles online. I knew many of the symptoms and warning signs, and I thought I was pretty prepared if any of them became relevant during my pregnancy. It turns out there was quite a bit I didn’t know.

In honor of Preeclampsia Awareness Month, I am sharing some things I wish I had been more aware of before preeclampsia resulted in the death of my son.

Note: Factual information in this article is referenced and derived from both the Preeclampsia Foundation website, and also the ACOG Bulletin, “Gestational Hypertension and Preeclampsia,” dated June 2020. The bulletin is unfortunately behind a paywall (I paid for it), but may be available through academic journal access.

What is Preeclampsia?

From the Preeclampsia Foundation:

Preeclampsia is persistent high blood pressure that develops during pregnancy or the postpartum period and is often associated with high levels of protein in the urine OR the new development of decreased blood platelets, trouble with the kidneys or liver, fluid in the lungs, or signs of brain trouble such as seizures and/or visual disturbances.

In more plain terms, preeclampsia is a disease characterized by high blood pressure that can affect internal organs in diverse ways. Preeclampsia also has the potential to result in the death of the mother or child.

I had some of the Risk Factors for developing Preeclampsia

Preeclampsia affects 2-8% of all pregnancies (Reference: ACOG Bulletin).

While it can happen to anyone, certain risk factors make it more likely. I actually had a few of these risk factors during my pregnancy:

Risk factors for Preeclampsia:My Personal risk factors:
History of high BP
Previous organ transplant
Kidney disease
PCOS
Obstructive sleep apnea
Autoimmune disorder
Thrombophilia
Antiphospholipid antibody syndrome
Sickle cell disease
Pre-Gestational DiabetesFamily history
Gestational Diabetes
First pregnancyYes
Pregnant with multiples
Pregnant via IVF or ARTYes; via IUI
Preeclampsia in past pregnancies
Family history of Preeclampsia
Obesity/Pre-pregnancy BMI >30Yes
Under 20/Over 35 years oldYes; over 30
African American
* Risk Factor information taken from both Preeclampsia Foundation and the ACOG Bulletin. Some factors are listed in one place and not the other.

While my personal history didn’t make me high risk, per se, I think it’s important to be aware of one’s risk factors regardless.

Having experienced preeclampsia twice now**, I am much more aware today.

** I experienced preeclampsia during my pregnancy with Adrian, and I was in the beginning stages of both preeclampsia and HELLP during my pregnancy with his living sister. My provider delivered her quickly enough that I may or not qualify as formally having had preeclampsia a second time.

“High” blood pressure is debatable, and possibly relative—

The primary symptom of preeclampsia is high blood pressure, but what does that mean?

Diagnostically, high blood pressure in pregnancy means measurements reaching at least 140 systolic (top number) OR 90 diastolic (bottom number) on 2 separate occasions taken more than 4 hours apart, anytime after the 20th week of pregnancy. (Reference: ACOG Bulletin)

This is the primary definition and requirement used by prenatal providers, and because of this, my providers were never worried about my steadily rising blood pressure, which only barely reached these levels towards the end of my pregnancy. However, there is some debate amongst medical professionals on whether or not a significant rise in blood pressure over a pre-pregnancy normal is worth considering. This was the case for me.

My pre-pregnancy (and post-pregnancy) blood pressure averages around 105/65, so levels that would be seen as normal for someone else’s pregnancy should have been seen as worrisome for me. While the Preeclampsia Foundation acknowledges the importance of considering a rise in blood pressure over the pre-pregnancy norm, this is unfortunately still under debate. In my case, it was not until after Adrian died that my Perinatologist diagnosed me with preeclampsia based on the cumulative information contained in my medical records, including my personal blood pressure history.

Besides blood pressure, there are additional tests that can help to diagnose preeclampsia and related conditions

Have you ever wondered why your prenatal provider tests your urine on every visit? It’s because other than blood pressure readings, urinalysis is one of the simplest tests that can indicate signs of preeclampsia. When providers ask for a urine sample, they are testing for the presence of protein that may have “spilled” from your kidneys into your urine. Sometimes, providers may also want to do a longer test where they ask you to collect urine in a jug for up to 24 hours to provide a more complete picture. (Reference: Preeclampsia Foundation)

In my case, my midwives tested my urine on every visit. They never provided the results of the testing, and so I always assumed everything was normal. (After checking my records, I know now that it was); however, I wish I had been more engaged with this testing at each visit. It would have been a simple conversation to ask my midwives what they were testing for, and if there were any signs or symptoms I should report to them. I did have several symptoms I will discuss further down that would have relevant to this conversation.

Another aspect I didn’t know until preparing this article is that dipstick urinalysis has high rates of both false positives and false negatives (Reference: ACOG Bulletin). Since my midwives’ office only used dipstick urinalysis with me, it is possible my results were false negatives.

Providers may also ask you to do blood testing, generally a complete blood count (CBC) and sometimes other testing. If a provider suspects a condition related to preeclampsia such as HELLP Syndrome (discussed lower down), having baseline bloodwork can be useful for comparison to later results. (Reference: Preeclampsia Foundation)

In my pregnancy with Adrian, my providers did initial bloodwork, but even though I reported several symptoms of preeclampsia later in my pregnancy, they did not run additional blood tests for preeclampsia. In consulting with my perinatologist later, she mentioned that my records indicated I may even have been developing HELLP Syndrome, and that it may have been useful to have run those additional tests. This is something else I wish I had known.

There are some additional types of tests under development and/or in limited use right now that may also help predict and/or diagnose preeclampsia. These tests weren’t available during my pregnancy with Adrian, but I look forward to seeing these developments continue in the future. Read more at the Preeclampsia Foundation website.

Proteinuria is no longer a required symptom for diagnosis (but some providers still emphasize it)

Although urinalysis is an easy way to identify potential preeclampsia, proteinuria (protein in the urine) is actually not a required piece of diagnostic criteria. This means that one can have preeclampsia without having protein in the urine. (Reference: ACOG Bulletin)

Although the decision to remove proteinuria as required criteria was made in 2013, some providers are still going by the older guidelines. This affected pregnancies like mine, where I was told I couldn’t have preeclampsia because I didn’t have proteinuria. If I had known proteinuria wasn’t required, I could have pushed harder or asked for more testing based on my other symptoms.

There are several symptoms besides high blood pressure and proteinuria that can potentially indicate the presence of preeclampsia

You may have seen this list of symptoms in your prenatal guidebook or on leaflets from your provider. I definitely saw this list multiple times, and even googled it towards the end of my pregnancy, when I started to develop additional symptoms.

Potential symptoms of Preeclampsia:My symptoms during my pregnancy:
High Blood PressureYes*
Proteinuria
SwellingYes
HeadacheYes
Nausea or VomitingYes; nausea
Upper right quadrant painYes
Lower back painYes
Sudden weight gainPotentially**
Changes in vision
Hyperreflexia
Shortness of breath; anxietyYes; shortness of breath
(Reference: Preeclampsia Foundation)
* High relative to my pre-pregnancy normal
** I gained more weight during my 3rd trimester than desired, but it was a mostly steady increase; not sudden

The Preeclampsia Foundation goes into excellent detail about each of these symptoms and the specific aspects to look out for, so I won’t repeat their list here. I will say it’s worth noting that while some of these symptoms individually may be normal or common in pregnancy, when you aggregate them, it may be time to discuss with your provider.

During my pregnancy with Adrian, I reported all of the symptoms I have checked above, plus reduced fetal movement, to my providers. Knowing what I know today, my specific combination of symptoms should have made my providers concerned.

Preeclampsia has two nasty big brothers: Eclampsia and HELLP

The ACOG Bulletin describes eclampsia as the “convulsive manifestation of the hypertensive disorders of pregnancy,” basically meaning it is a disorder that results in maternal seizures. Additionally, despite the name, eclampsia may or may not be a progression from preeclampsia; the bulletin states that between 20-38% of cases of eclampsia are not preceded by either high blood pressure or proteinuria. In any case, eclampsia is a more serious disorder, and may result in maternal death or short or long-term cognitive impairments, amongst other impacts.

Note: I did not personally have eclampsia, but I thought it was worth mentioning as something to be aware of in the preeclampsia conversation.

Preeclampsia’s other nasty big brother is HELLP Syndrome. Hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, and low platelet count (HELLP) syndrome is a more serious form of preeclampsia that occurs in 5-12% of preeclamptic pregnancies (Reference: Preeclampsia Foundation). HELLP Syndrome is both more deadly and can sometimes present in a way that makes it more difficult to diagnose (Reference: ACOG Bulletin).

After reading about one of the ways HELLP syndrome can present itself—lacking either hypertension or proteinuria, with the main symptoms being upper right quadrant pain and nausea—I realize more and more that my perinatologist may have been correct about me developing HELLP with Adrian. It’s too late now to make a definite diagnosis from the information in my records, but I do wish my providers had been paying more attention at the time.

Preeclampsia can cause serious problems for the mother and the fetus, up to and including death

Paraphrased from the ACOG Bulletin, some of the potential impacts of preeclampsia can include:

Potential Impacts & Effects: My Impacts:
Fetal growth restriction
Oligohydramnios (low amniotic fluid)
Partial or complete placental abruption Yes
Inadequate performance during prenatal surveillance *
Spontaneous preterm labor
Conditions requiring preterm delivery **
* During 40-week NST, my BP was high, and Adrian was less active than usual. The nurse kept us on the monitor for longer, but eventually told us we were fine and sent us home.
** Based on my symptoms, I believe I should have been referred for a medically-necessary induction of labor at term.

It’s hard, when looking at a list like this, to realize the full impact of what these items mean. I only experienced one of them for certain, and it completely changed my life. And I wonder, looking back at the symptoms that should have had my providers pushing me for an earlier delivery, how differently my life would be today if they had been paying more attention? Or even if I had pushed them harder to pay more attention.

I think one of the things we do a poor job discussing in prenatal care are the potential consequences of various potentialities in pregnancy. Preeclampsia is a well-known disease of pregnancy, but how many pregnant patients realize preeclampsia can be deadly, either to them or their child? I don’t think it really registered with me until it happened to my son. The placental abruption, uncaught by my providers, ended his life.

There are no known screening methods (yet) to identify who will develop preeclampsia, but there are some potential preventative measures

While efforts are ongoing to identity screening methods either in early or late pregnancy to determine who will or won’t develop preeclampsia, no known screening methods have as yet been proven effective. Research continues. (Reference: ACOG Bulletin)

On the preventative side, however, there has been potential progress. One of the biggest developments concerns prophylactic intake of low-dose aspirin starting in early pregnancy, particularly for those with specific risk factors. This is not a blanket recommendation, and should be discussed with one’s individual prenatal or preconception provider, but there is limited evidence that may prove promising. (Reference: ACOG Bulletin)

During my preconception planning for my second child, this was one of the aspects my provider discussed with me, and we decided together I would start on an aspirin regimen even prior to conception. Interestingly, despite my aspirin intake, I did start to develop both preeclampsia and HELLP around the 36-week with my second pregnancy; however, I had no outward symptoms. Could the aspirin have delayed the onset or severity of the preeclampsia my body seemed predisposed towards? I have no way on knowing. Regardless, I am happy to have taken it, and more than happy my provider identified the reoccurrence in time to safely deliver my daughter at 37 weeks.

Preeclampsia can effect you for the rest of your life

While the primary “cure” for preeclampsia itself is delivery of the fetus, one of the things that isn’t often discussed with preeclamptic patients is that this disease can effect you even after it’s gone—Something I only found out this year is that preeclampsia is linked with higher rates of cardiovascular disease, stroke, and arterial disease. (Reference: ACOG Bulletin)

Further, patients who have experienced preeclampsia are twice as likely to die from cardiovascular disease as those who have not experienced preeclampsia, and this risk is even higher in women with recurrent preeclampsia. (Reference: ACOG Bulletin)

—That’s me.

These are the things we need to be discussing with our patients. This is the kind of information we all have a right to know.

Risk factors, symptoms, diagnostic criteria, and potential impacts of one of the most common ailments in pregnancy is critical information. It’s information that could have prevented the death of my child. It’s information that prepares a preeclampsia survivor like me for potential impacts yet to come. It’s necessary information we all have a right to know.

Preeclampsia is so much more than high blood pressure.
Preeclampsia changed my entire life.

Downloadable Graphics:

Featured in:

Miranda’s Blog has been featured in Scary Mommy, Pregnancy After Loss Support Magazine, Love What Matters, Up Journey, and Pursue Today. You can also find her on Quora and Medium.

Share this post via:

Ray of sunshine above a creek flowing over a road in the wilderness

I don’t find meaning in my son’s death. I find meaning in how I honor him after his death.

Out-of-focus close-up of a glass lamp (personal photo)

Fuck June.

This May is my 6th Mothers Day. Thank you for remembering and honoring both my children this year. - Sea Glass Parenting customizable graphics

This May is my 6th Mothers Day. Thank you for remembering and honoring BOTH my children this year.

Sometimes bad things happen.

Sometimes Bad Things Happen

Checklist* for a natural birth: Low Risk, Doula, Midwives, Birth Plan, Bradley Method, Declined induction, Listed to your  body, Trust baby's timing. *Success not guaranteed

I did everything ‘right’ for a natural birth…And my healthy child still died

Small white tumbler with the Sea Glass Parenting logo in blue, sitting in front of Adrian's stuffed gray elephant

So, it’s been a (long) minute…Miscellaneous News & Updates from Miranda

Closeup of Miranda holding Adrian's Elephant. Miranda is wearing a pink dress and tan floppy hat (personal photo)

There is nothing wrong with ‘Dwelling’

Scripts for the Support Team: I am hearing and honoring all of your feelings.

10 Things to Say to a Loved One after the Death of their Child

Social Media & Grief

Social media may have a bad reputation, but it’s helped me in my grief

You're an absence I carry

You’re an absence I carry

White flowers with yellow centers in tall green stalks (Miranda Hernandez)

Life after loss isn’t ALWAYS about grief

Footbridge on North Lake Tahoe (Miranda Hernandez)

Grief made me suicidal; These are 7 things I learned (Suicide Awareness & Prevention Month 2021)

Miranda's maternity photo. Miranda is wearing a pale pink form-fitting lace dress. She is sitting on an outdoor chair in a grassy backyard and is looking down at her belly while holding a flower (Modern Lux Photography)

When I was overdue, this is what I wish I knew

My Review of Lone Star Midwives; San Antonio, Texas

White letter paper on top on a brown envelope sitting on a dark wooden desk. The letter says, "A letter to the midwife who told me we were "fine"" in cursive lettering. There are light pink flowers and a piece of twine to the right of the letter. (Mybona, Getty Images)

A letter to the midwife who told me we were “fine”—

Mother holding a molly bear in a bedroom. The mother is wearing a loose white patterned kimono is snuggling into the bear with eyes closed. The bear is tan, with lighter cream markings. (Liz Morales Photography)

Here’s to the ‘Tog who Understands—

Graphic image of a green envelope holding a letter and a graphic photo of a mother holding a toddler and a stuffed elephant. The mother is wearing a long sleeved white shirt and has black hair. The toddler is wearing a light pink shirt and has medium brown hair. The background of the image is a blue gradient on top and a light blue box on the bottom. Graphic photo created by Megan Johnson; full image created in Canva

Our family doesn’t have a “Dad”, but we are so thankful for our Timothy

Graphic art of pregnant woman standing in front of an ultrasound machine. The woman has tan skin and is wearing a green dress. She is looking down at her belly. The ultrasound machine show an image of a pink elephant on the screen (djvstock2, smalllike, & clker-free-vector-images acquired from Canva)

There’s an Elephant in the Exam Room

Sharing about my deceased child doesn’t mean that I’m stuck or broken or even that I am actively hurting. It simply means I am a parent. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

STILL a Mama Bear, and STILL Pissed

Motherhood comes in so many forms

Motherhood

Stylized image of a mother lying in bed, holding her stillborn child's hand (Megan Johnson)

International Bereaved Mothers’ Day 2021

North Lake Tahoe (personal photo)

Stuck in the middle—how bereaved parents get hurt by the abortion conversation

A light gray stuffed elephant nestled between sage-green military boots

Identities

Miranda's black chiffon top and striped black and white skirt on the day of Adrian's funeral (Modern Lux Photographt)

Flashes of Memory; Dressing for the Funeral

How do you get past losing a baby? You don't.

How Do You Get Past Losing a Baby? (Quora)

I loved you from the moment I saw that second blue line.

Imperfect Memories; the Second Blue Line

Four-year-old girl sitting outside with her stuffed animal tiger. Image is close-up mainly of tiger in girl's arms (FamilyFotographer, Getty Images)

No, Daniel Tiger, Grown-Ups DON’T Always Come Back

Miranda wearing her bracelets with an elephant charm.

Life Thoughts from Subscription Boxes

"It doesn't always have to be a NEW beginning." overlaid on the Adrian's Elephant necklace photo (Miranda Hernandez)

It Doesn’t Always Have to be a NEW Beginning

Dried wild plants in North Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Growing, Evolving…And Also Staying the Same

Close up of a white flower with skinny pointed petals, taken in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

The Words We Use Matter

Miranda holding Peanut and Adrian's elephant. Peanut's hand is wrapped around Adrian's elephant.

Illness, Worry, & Reflections

Collage of pictures of pregnant woman and woman with child with title of Preeclampsia & Stillbirth on the top.

The Ways we Discuss when we Disagree

Miranda holding Adrian's elephant on the coast in California.

Go, Go, Pause

Adrian's photo and candle in the Wave of Light, 2019

Wave of Light 2020

View from the top of Waimea Canyon, mountains covered in fog, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Luna Kai Photography)

What Would You Rather Not Know? (Quora)

Introducing the Sea Glass Parenting community; a community for parents after the loss of a child.

Introducing the Sea Glass Parenting Community

Rear view of Miranda facing the ocean. Miranda is wearing a loose pink shirt and her dark hair is down on her back. (Synch Media)

3 Years, 3 Months

White flowers on a tree (Miranda Hernandez)

The Phone Call you Never Expect to Receive; Supporting a Loved One After the Loss of a Child

Screenshot of Scary Mommy Article "Sharing Pictures Of My Stillborn Son Is Not 'Gross'" with a photo of Adrian and Miranda in the background.

The First Real Byline—Published in Scary Mommy

Sharing about my deceased child doesn't mean that I'm stuck or broken or even that I am hurting. It simply means I am a parent.

These are MY Words—Plagiarism in the Child Loss Community

In 1988, President Ronald Reagan established 15 October as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day | In honor of all children lost too soon, please consider lighting a candle from 7-8pm in your local time zone. This will create a "wave of light" that travels around the world. |  Learn more about pregnancy & infant loss and how to support a bereaved family in your life: https://AdrianJamesHernandez.com

Getting ready for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

The Worst Part of Child Loss | Miranda holding Adrian's photo in the mountains of Kaua'i (Luna Kai Photography)

The Worst Part

Miranda's maternity photo with Peanut. Adrian's footprints are visible in the tattoo on Miranda's ribs (Two Little Starfish)

10 Things I Learned About Pregnancy After Loss (Pursue Today)

Palm tree over the ocean in late afternoon in Kaua'i, Hawai'i (MIranda Hernandez)

The grief of not getting what you didn’t want anyway

Woman using a fetal doppler at home (Trendsetter images)

Why I Support Banning Home Fetal Dopplers (Quora)

Orange wildflowers at Lake Tahoe (Miranda Hernandez)

It’s Always 29 June; Integration in Grief

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

1 June 2020

Blue dawnflowers at St Katharines’s Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

Why I Didn’t “Just Adopt”

Miranda with Adrian's elephant and Peanut's mermaid in the hospital (Sarah Perry Photography)

The Whirlwind of Pregnancy and Delivery After Loss

Mother's Day message from AdrianJamesHernandez.com

Mother’s Day 2020

Peanut with Adrian's Elephant

Cranky

Dark red flowers in shadow in front of a bright window (Miranda Hernandez)

The Problem With Positivity

Wildflowers in South Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

There But for Grace

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

Perspective

Heart in the sand, Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Daydreams

Close-up image of spiky pink flower. Flower ihas both dark pink and light pink petals, and a peach center. The background is blurred. Taken in Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

Why I Choose to Share Photos of My Dead Child on Social Media

Still water on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

What is the Worst Sound in the World? (Quora)

Bench on the shore of South Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Re-Evaluation & New Priorities after the Death of a Child

Cliff overlooking the ocean on a clear day (Miranda Hernandez)

Survivor’s Bias

Sunset over the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Tone

View from a butterfly cut-out, Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

Adrian’s Elephant Official Comment Policy, aka Things Not to Say To or About a Bereaved Parent

Waves on Lake Tahoe, California (Miranda Hernandez)

I Fail at Grief Olympics

Safe pregnancy booth providing resources on safe and informed pregnancy and stillbirth prevention

Preventing Stillbirth Starts With Outreach

Wildflowers over Te Ti Bay (Miranda Hernandez)

“It’s Not Your Fault”

Pylons under a pier in California (Miranda Hernandez)

Why you shouldn’t ask a bereaved parent if they plan to “try again”

Found art of the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

From one mother to another: A letter to the pregnant mother from one who is bereaved

Famous rock formation in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand. The feature is called Piercy Island, and is known for the "Hole in the Rock," but it looks like an elephant to me (Miranda Hernandez)

Elephants and Well-Meaning Words – “It’s not your fault”

Sunset over Lake Tahoe (Miranda Hernandez)

Stillbirth and Statistics: What Does it Mean to be “Rare”?

Tree branches over the Kawai'i coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Imagination

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Sea Lions

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid

More Than One Spectrum

Tree limbs over a pond (Miranda Hernandez)

Awareness Isn’t Enough – Preventing Suicide Starts with Understanding

Adrian's Elephant in his and Peanut's car seat

Baggage

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast

17 August 2019

Flowers on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

The Things We Don’t Want to be True; Separating Victims of Tragedy from Ourselves

Empty storage container (Miranda Hernandez)

Sleepless

Quarters on tile (Miranda Hernandez)

Charlie’s Accident

Draft email (Miranda Hernandez)

Two Birthdays

Bench on the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago (Miranda Hernandez)

The bluntness I wish I could share where it’s needed

Adrian and Elephant

A Letter to My Son on His Second Birthday

Literature about tracking fetal movements (Miranda Hernandez)

#MovementsMatter, Today and Always

Peanut's feet with Adrian's Elephant (Miranda Hernandez)

First

Fenced walkway at Hatley Castle, Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Paperwork and Taxes

Peanut and Adrian's Elephant (Sarah Perry Photography)

Pregnancy after Loss & Peanut’s Birth Story

Miranda with Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid (4th Trimester Bodies Project)

Third Mother’s Day

Daisies in San Juan Capistrano, California (Miranda Hernandez)

From one mother to another; a letter to the recently bereaved

Ariel view of the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

When you’re going through tough times, remember that life is about so much more than feel-good messages you read online

Mountains of Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Warning Signs Prior to Adrian’s Stillbirth

Fog on the ocean in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Sometimes I DO want to give up, and you can’t “fix” that

A duck and its reflection, Assiniboine Park, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

My experience with the 4th Trimester Bodies Project

Full moon on a dark night, with clouds in front of the moon (Miranda Hernandez)

Midnight; Memories of Loss & Grief

Trees along the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago

Pregnancy After Loss; A Parable

Flowers at St Katharines's Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

My experience as a pseudo-rainbow baby

Sunset on the California Coast

“Strong”

Close up image of out-of-focus lamp. The aperture has been opened wide to over-expose the image (Miranda Hernandez)

Understanding

Valerian flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Why I track fetal movement religiously with my second pregnancy

Orchid cactus flowers in the gardens at San Juan Bautista

Dear Nature-Based Childbirth Educator

Fence on the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago

Perspective of a Non-Believer Following the Death of a Child (Quora)

View of the beach in Monterey Bay, California

Pleasant Surprise

Close up image of a sundial in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia. The sundial is weathered and made of gray stone. There are trees with pink blossoms in the background (Miranda Hernandez)

Why Getting Pregnant Easily Isn’t a Gift

Pier at Mission Bay Park, San Diego

Boomerang

Pier in Paihia, New Zealand

A Letter to My Mental Health Coordinator

Waves in Monterey Bay, California

The Slowest Kind of Panic

Sunrise in Kaua'i. Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Is Stillbirth really “Rare”? What does “Rare” even Mean?

Close up of a daisy (Miranda Hernandez)

“If She Dies, I Die”; Grey’s Anatomy, Life, & Echoes of Grief in Pregnancy After Loss

Bridge on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

The Fork in the Road

Bench on the Monterey Bay Coastal Trail

Grieving My Child Without God

Mount Douglas Park Trail, Victoria, British Columbia

This Timeline

Close-up black and white image of Miranda's pregnant belly in a field of wildflowers. The view is focused on the right side of Miranda's belly, and Adrian's footprint tattoo is visible at the top left of the photo. (Two Little Starfish)

Echoes; Reminders & Memories in Pregnancy After Loss

Virginsbower flowers in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia. The flowers take up the bottom left of the image, and there are out-of-focus trees in the background (Miranda Hernandez)

It’s Not About the Sunscreen

Ruins of Cannery Row 1, Monterey, California

Necessary Fear

Sunset over Koloa, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Death and Taxes – Why the Federal Government Doesn’t Consider My Stillborn Son to be a Human Being

Miranda's maternity photo (Two Little Starfish)

Why I am celebrating every moment of this current pregnancy

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Please stop telling me everything is going to be “fine”

Amy Anne sitting on Miranda's bed, next to Adrian's ultrasound photos, Miranda's pregnant belly in the background (Modern Lux Photography)

The Story of Amy Anne

Easter Lily flower (Miranda Hernandez)

Claddagh Ring

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid

My Daughter is Not a Rainbow; My Son was Not a Storm

View of a small rocky island in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Yoga on a Saturday

Rustic staircase carved into a trail in the Bay of Islands, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

Hard Day

Rear view of a wooden bench looking out over Victoria, British Columbia at Sunset (Miranda Hernandez)

Waiting Rooms

Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid

8 January 2019; Two Years of Memories and Looking to the Future

Pier in South Lake Tahoe, California

Grief Isn’t a Disease; That Quote from “The Interpreter”

Miranda on the beach in California. Miranda is wearing a dark blue and white striped dress and is facing away from the camera. Adrian's Elephant's foot is just visible in Miranda's hands. (Synch Media)

1 January 2019

Miranda with Adrian's Elephant during Adrian's Memorial on the California coast (@saltwaterandclay)

22 July 2018; Life is Hard but I’m Trying

Close up of healed footprint tattoo on Miranda's right ribs. Footprints are centered in the frame, and Miranda is laying on green grass with a white shirt pushed up above the tattoo (photo taken by a friend)

Friday the 13th

Daisies and Bluebonnets on Adrian's casket (Modern Lux Photography)

11 July 2018; Memories of Adrian’s Funeral

Trail in Pinnacles National Park, California (Miranda Hernandez)

Not Okay

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

Second Eulogy

Miranda and Elephant on the California coast

A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday

Adrian's Elephant

28 June; Memories from the day before my son was stillborn

Miranda and Elephant on the California coast

22 June 2018, 9:01am; Memories about Adrian’s Due Date & Warning Signs That Were Missed

Miranda and Elephant on the beach in California

21 June 2018, 4:58pm; Memories of my Last Prenatal Appointment before Adrian Died

Adrian's Elephant on Keālia Beach in Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

18 June 2018, 8:47 pm; Living in the Calendar after Loss

Driftwood log on the shore of Nukoli'i Beach park, Kaua'i, Hawai'i (Miranda Hernandez)

Not Fucking Fair

Adrian's Elephant in the Airport (Miranda Hernandez)

Home

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

Sunrise

Miranda in Waimea Canyon State Park, Kaua'i, Hawai'i

My Seventh Trimester Body

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast

Birth

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia

Equidistance

Annual flowers in Assiniboine Park, Winnipeg, Manitoba (Miranda Hernandez)

A letter to my roommate, who puts up with far more than she deserves

Adrian Street sign in San Diego, California

San Diego

View from cliffs on the California coast

A Letter to the Woman Who Wants the “Perfect Natural Birth”

Dandelions over Te Ti Bay, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

I AM a Mother, Even after my Child is Gone

Adrian's things in Miranda's new home

Humor

Roses on rocks in Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia

Everything Happens.

Bluebonnets on the California coast

Nature Isn’t Perfect

Car tire on the road

Second Hand

Burning candle at St Katharines’s Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

Desire

Sanddollars on Adrian's Elephant

Sea Shells

Sign found on sidewalk

Signs

Trail in Pinecrest, California

Life

Close up of Adrian's Elephant on Miranda's lap. Miranda is wearing blue jeans and white shirt, and Elephant is sitting in her lap facing the camera (Miranda Hernandez)

Pre-Pregnancy Jeans & the Struggle with Postpartum Weight Loss after Stillbirth

I Drink a Lot of Tea

Sunset in Arizona

I Miss My Phone

Rose on the ground at Hatley Park, Victoria, British Columbia

I woke up out of a sound sleep with these words on my lips

Toy car hidden in the grass

Favorite Holiday

Wildflowers and Adrian's Elephant

On Sunlight and Strength

Bench in California (Miranda Hernandez)

Things I Didn’t Get to Say in Response to Comments after the Death of my Child

Dahlia flowers at St Katharines’s Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

What Happens When a Type A Personality Grieves

Cherry blossoms in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

Dear Pregnant Woman in My Office

Adrian's Elephant and expired milk, Government Canyon State Natural Area, Texas (Miranda Hernandez)

29 October 2017

Miranda with Adrian's name sign from Landon's Legacy Retreat, Whiteshell Provincial Park, Manitoba

30 September 2017; I Will Always Love His Name

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

Scroll to Top