I’ve been quiet for a while. I had heard the second year after loss is more difficult, and I think I’m starting to understand. Sometimes life is simply heartbreaking. Sometimes the worst thing about heartbreak is that life still goes on.
Adrian’s birthday happened in June. I held his memorial, published his site. I never thought that meant I’d be healed, but I had hoped for some measure of peace. Instead, I fell completely apart.
Relationships became difficult, work almost impossible. I pulled on the support of everything I knew. After giving serious consideration to checking myself into the hospital, I started on antidepressants. They are one of the tools currently helping me through.
When things started to feel minutely better, I had to say goodbye to one of my strongest comforts — the beautiful soul inside my Amy Anne. For weeks afterwards, I would almost forget, looking forward to seeing her face upon coming home. Loss is hard. I will always miss her. I will always miss my son.
In November I experienced another heartbreak. I don’t think dating is ever easy. I’m still working through it. I’m looking for my peace.
One of the best decisions I made was adopting a second dog. He’s a toothy, shoe-stealing handful, and I love him to absolute pieces. He holds the lightest parts of my heart.
In December, I had a break from school. I took some time to organize the house, then flew to New Zealand. It was absolutely beautiful, and I still miss the warmth. I thought I might write there, but I mostly just breathed.
This has been such a long year, and every time I think I’m okay, I find new heartbreak; new fears. I also find new joy.
Because the day before I said goodbye to Amy Anne, I took a chance on bringing new life into this world. And I am both terrified and ecstatic to announce that this spring, my Adrian James will become a big brother. And this is both the most scary and most beautiful thing I will ever see.
Thinking of you all with love,
Miranda’s Blog: The Story of Amy Anne
Miranda’s Blog: My Daughter is Not a Rainbow; My Son was Not a Storm
Miranda’s Blog: First
Miranda’s Blog: Pregnancy After Loss: A Parable
Miranda’s Blog: 13 June 2019
Write Your Grief: Amy Anne
Write Your Grief: Three Dishes
Letters to Adrian: Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM
Letters to Adrian: Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM
Write Your Grief: Baby Things