029 – Tue, Aug 22, 2017 at 9:50 PM

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There was a time when I was pregnant that I was worried about Saki. She had been throwing up non-stop for a few days, and she seemed exhausted and unhappy.  Your uncle Jackson* was visiting then. He wanted to drive to see your Aunt Alexis, but I was worried about leaving Saki alone. The vet hadn’t been able to find anything definitely wrong with her, but even after tests and injections of fluids, she didn’t seem like a very happy cat. I was worried. I thought I might lose her. I remember laying in bed with her after Jonathan had left for Alexis’ house. As sick as she felt, she still loved to cuddle. I held her and we watched TV and I started to cry. I know cats don’t live forever and she is already older and that one day I will have to say goodbye, but I wasn’t ready for it to be that day. I wasn’t ready to let her go. And then she got better. Maybe it was just a bug? Today, she is her happy healthy self again. I know that one day I will lose her, but for today, I hold her and love her, and cuddle with her and Amy Anne. They are my comfort. I reach for them in the morning when I wish I could reach for you.

I say I miss you but that doesn’t even cover it. Sometimes you feel like a dream. Sometimes it feels like I was never pregnant at all, that I just hit fast forward and life resumed unchanged. You are so far gone from me. I touch the things you never got to touch, looking for echoes of fingertips that never got to feel. You are at once so real and also an incomplete memory.

I went back to work this week. I was as ready as I’m never going to be. I put your pictures up on my wall. It’s scary. People may judge you, judge me. The old me would incite a confrontation, force an argument to make an angry statement. Today I just want to love. I share my vulnerabilities. I tell the truth–I tell people I’m not okay, that I miss you so much I need to see your face to remember you were real.

Life is coming back to me. I hate it, it makes me feel disloyal to you. I hate feeling my mind engage, hate losing my focus on everything about you. I’m scared I’m going to lose you all over again, scared I’m going to forget how your loss is burned so vividly into my mind. I think I could never forget you, but not that long ago, I thought I would never get out of bed. You’re still missing. I’m still empty, scared, heartbroken and missing you.

I miss you so much.

~
* Names have been changed to protect privacy.

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Letters to Adrian are real letters from a mother to her stillborn child. Letters are shared here in periodic batches.

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137 – Tue, Dec 31, 2019, 10:01 PM

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101 – Sun, May 6, 2018, 12:13 AM

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061 – Wed, Nov 22, 2017, 7:01 PM

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110 – Sun, Jun 3, 2018, 9:11 AM

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116 – Sat, Jun 30, 2018, some time in the morning

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115 – Sat, Jun 30, 2018, 1:03 AM

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Adrian's Elephant and Miranda's uniform top

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Miranda and Adrian's Elephant with Bumblebee

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Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Northstar California Resort

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031 – Fri, Sep 8, 2017 at 12:16 AM

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108 – Sat, May 26, 2018, 11:02 AM

001 – Hello

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Keālia Beach, Kaua'i, Hawai'I (Miranda Hernandez)

039 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 4:16 PM

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122 – Tue, Jul 24, 2018, 9:28 PM

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049 – Tue, Oct 24, 2017, 5:26 PM

025 – Sun, Aug 6, 2017 at 12:26 AM

Close up of metallic artwork in rustic red blending into blues and greens, found in California (Miranda Hernandez)

022 – Fri, Jul 21, 2017 at 12:18 AM

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038 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 9:36 AM

Sunset on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

079 – Wed, Jan 17, 2018, 4:24 PM

Tree in snow, North Lake Tahoe, Nevada (Miranda Hernandez)

063 – Sun, Nov 26, 2017, 9:45 AM

Walkway on the Haruru Falls trail, Waitanga, New Zealand (Miranda Hernandez)

120 – Thu, Jul 19, 2018, 12:47 PM

Nasturtium flowers in Big Sur, California (Miranda Hernandez)

112 – Sat, Jun 16, 2018, 3:59 PM

012 – 39w6d(2) – So close!

005 – 19w6d – Happy New Year

033 – Tue, Sep 19, 2017 at 6:35 PM

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129 – Tue, Jun 25, 2019, 9:11 PM

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059 – Wed, Nov 15, 2017, 7:52 PM

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042 – Mon, Oct 2, 2017, 6:14 PM

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102 – Fri, May 11, 2018, 11:56 AM

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014 – Thu, Jun 29, 2017 at 6:53 PM

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002 – 7w3d – Pickles and ice cream?

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054 – Mon, Nov 7, 2017, 8:10 PM

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091 – Sun, Mar 11, 2018, 1:10 PM

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060 – Fri, Nov 17, 2017, 8:02 PM

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040 – Thu, Sep 28, 2017 at 5:43 PM

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132 – Mon, Jul 1, 2019, 9:45 PM

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123 – Wed, Aug 29, 2018, 3:16 PM

California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

082 – Wed, Jan 24, 2018, 3:46 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

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Miranda and Elephant on the California coast

117 – A Letter to My Son on His First Birthday

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134 – Tue, Jul 23, 2019, 1:34 PM

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106 – Fri, May 18, 2018, 6:18 PM

Esquimalt Lagoon, Victoria, British Columbia, Canada (Miranda Hernandez)

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Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Pinecrest Lake

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107 – Sat, May 19, 2018, 2:02 PM

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121 – Mon, Jul 23, 2018, 9:04 PM

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073 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 5:10 PM

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097 – Wed, Apr 28, 2018, 11:08 PM

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126 – Fri, Mar 29, 2019, 9:39 AM

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086 – Tue, Feb 6, 2018, 3:52 PM

018 – Sun, Jul 9, 2017 at 1:32 PM

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057 – Tue, Nov 14, 2017, 6:28 PM

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044 – Thu, Oct 12, 2017, 6:52 PM

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093 – Wed, Mar 21, 2018, 4:18 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant at Chacchoben Mayan Ruins

053 – Sun, Nov 5, 2017, 1:07 PM

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085 – Fri, Feb 2, 2018, 10:09 PM

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135 – Wed, Aug 28, 2019, 8:04 AM

Kaua'i coast (Miranda Hernandez)

105 – Mon, May 14, 2018, 9:33 PM

026 – Sun, Aug 13, 2017 at 6:17 AM

Adrian's Elephant and Star Registry certificate

113 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:02 AM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant

104 – Sun, May 13, 2018, 3:04 PM

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078 – Mon, Jan 15, 2018, 11:32 AM

Street art in Victoria, British Columbia (Miranda Hernandez)

094 – Fri, Apr 6, 2018, 11:46 PM

032 – Mon, Sep 18, 2017 at 9:24 PM

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041 – Sat, Sep 30, 2017 at 8:30 PM

030 – Mon, Aug 28, 2017 at 6:21 AM

Flowers at St Katharines's Parmoor, Buckinghamshire, England (Miranda Hernandez)

125 – Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (photo used with permission)

075 – Tue, Jan 9, 2018, 10:04 PM

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095 – Fri, Apr 13, 2018, 10:23 PM

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011 – 39w6d(1) – What does Mama look like?

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124 – Tue, Sep 4, 2018, 9:00 PM

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114 – Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 1:15 PM

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130 – Thu, Jun 27, 2019, 9:31 PM

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099 – Wed, May 2, 2018, 7:46 PM

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127 – Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM

024 – Wed, Aug 2, 2017 at 6:13 PM

Miranda and Adrian's Elephant on the California coast (Synch Media)

074 – Sun, Dec 31, 2017, 7:59 PM

Explore more of Adrian's Elephant

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