Title: Grieving Without God | overlaid on image of Miranda on the California coast (Synch Media)

Grieving Without God

Adrian's Elephant

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My personal religious feelings have always been complicated. Raised ostensibly Christian, I never found a home in Christianity, nor in any other organized faith. Viewing the complexity of the world around me, I believe there is probably a higher power, but I don’t feel the need to worship. When asked for a label, I use the term, “agnostic deist.”

When Adrian died in my 41st week of pregnancy, I wondered if my beliefs would change. They didn’t.

The posts below cover various aspects of grieving without a higher power. You may also be interested in the Graphics Blog for Grieving Without God.

I am grieving without god. Whether you are here as a fellow nonbeliever, or simply to understand the perspective, thank you for reading.

 

Tree branch in California - Feature

5 Feb 2018 – Akhilandeshvari

I don’t find comfort in the thought of a higher power. It doesn’t do anything for me. But I do find comfort in the fact that other people have also been broken…and they survived it. Which brings me to Akhilandeshvari, goddess of never not being broken.

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Keālia Beach 2 - Feature

20 Feb 2018 – Unspoken

I know what you want to talk about. I know how it pains you when others try to chase your words away. It isn’t a question of guilt. It’s fact — if you had chosen to listen, I would be alive.

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Miranda holding Adrian's Elephant at Nukoli'i Beach Park, Kaua'i, Hawai'i. It is an overcast day and Miranda is facing away from the camera, looking towards the grayish horizon (Luna Kai Photography)

Spiritual Feelings & Beliefs After the Death of My Child

As a non-believer throughout my life, I wondered if losing my child would challenged any of my spiritual feelings and beliefs. It didn’t. I held a secular funeral for my child, and even as a bereaved mother, I am comfortable with my non-religious beliefs.

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California Coast, Big Sur (Miranda Hernandez)

045 – Fri, Oct 13, 2017, 6:25 PM

So many people talk about God’s plan, say that they are comforted because their child is with God, because their loss must be part of some greater meaning. It just feels like a cop out to me.

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Bench on the California coast (Miranda Hernandez)

078 – Mon, Jan 15, 2018, 11:32 AM

I think it would be so much easier if I believed as other people believed. It would be so much easier if I could close my eyes and know with certainty that you were listening when I said your name. It would be so nice. But it’s not real.

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Bench on the Monterey Bay Coastal Trail

Grieving My Child Without God

One day, someday, I will die. I don’t know what will happen then, and that’s okay with me. I don’t need confirmation or thoughts of reunification. I don’t want to be told my son waits for me in the afterlife.

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Fence on the shore of Lake Michigan, Chicago

Perspective of a Non-Believer Following the Death of a Child (Quora)

I don’t know where my son is now. I don’t know if we’ll meet again, or if he’s at peace. I know that I miss him with a passion I can’t put into words. I know I would have given anything, including my own life, to guarantee him life on earth. I STILL don’t believe in God.

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Miranda standing in front of Adrian's casket at his funeral. She is wearing black and facing away from the camera. The casket is white, with a spray of white daisies and bluebonnets on top. Miranda's hand is reaching into the casket to touch her son. (Modern Lux Photography)

Adrian’s Funeral

Adrian was cremated, but it was important to me that he also have a funeral. I wanted to honor him and his short but powerful life.

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