My personal religious feelings have always been complicated. Raised ostensibly Christian, I never found a home in Christianity, nor any other organized faith. Viewing the complexity of the world around me, I believe there is probably a higher power, but I don’t feel the need to worship. When asked for a label, I use the term, “agnostic deist.”
When my son died in my 41st week of pregnancy, I wondered if my beliefs would change. They didn’t.
The posts below cover various aspects of this journey. You may also be interested in the Graphics Blog for Grieving Without God.
I am grieving without god. Whether you are here as a fellow nonbeliever, or simply to understand the perspective, thank you for reading.
I don’t claim to be an especially deep person. I don’t worship; I don’t find comfort or need in that setting. But beyond those feelings, gods and the mystic have always fascinated me.
I know what you want to talk about. I know how it pains you when others try to chase your words away. It isn’t a question of guilt. It’s fact — if you had chosen to listen, I would be alive.
When Adrian died, I again reexamined my beliefs….I realized that even in the face of the finality of his death, these ceremonies still didn’t resonate with me.
So many people talk about God’s plan, say that they are comforted because their child is with God, because their loss must be part of some greater meaning. It just feels like a cop out to me.
I think it would be so much easier if I believed as other people believed. It would be so much easier if I could close my eyes and know with certainty that you were listening when I said your name. It would be so nice. But it’s not real.
One day, someday, I will die. I don’t know what will happen then, and that’s okay with me. I don’t need confirmation or thoughts of reunification. I don’t want to be told my son waits for me in the afterlife.
After my son was born, the nurses asked if I wanted a chaplain to bless him. I thought about this for many hours. I knew it wasn’t something I could change if I chose not to do. But in the end, it didn’t resonate with me. I didn’t feel a loss for not doing this for my son.