You can’t order someone to feel a certain way

Miranda Hernandez

Simply telling someone not to feel a certain way will never have the desired result. Instead, ask questions about their feelings. Acknowledge and understand without trying to change.

Ways to acknowledge:

That sounds really heavy.
Would you like to talk about it?
I want to help. Can I bring you dinner on Thursday?
This sucks.

Ways to minimize:

Look on the bright side.
When my cat died/when I got divorced…
It isn’t all that bad.
What is this experience trying to teach you?

Be cognizant of all of these things.

Notes for the Support Team:
Simply telling someone not to feel a certain way will never have the desired result. Instead, ask questions about their feelings. Acknowledge and understand without trying to change.

Related Posts:

Write Your Grief: I Love You. Please.
Miranda’s Blog: Understanding
Graphics Blog: The Words We Use Matter
Resources Blog: Scripts for Bereaved Parents

Downloadable graphics for “Notes for the Support Team: “You can’t order someone to feel a certain way””:

Shareable graphics and memes about child loss & grief, pregnancy & parenting after loss, grieving without god, life & authenticity, and informed pregnancy.
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Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: It wasn't your fault. Rewritten: I understand emotions can be complicated, and I'm never going to tell you how you should feel. I am here though, if you ever want to talk about things. I will always be an ear to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It wasn’t your fault

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I wish I could take your pain away. Rewritten: I understand your feelings are important. I would never want to minimize or try to take them away. I will always be here to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I wish I could take your pain away

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Nothing you can do or say will make it “better”…But DOING nothing will make it worse

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original Statement: Having a birthday party for a dead child is weird. Rewritten: I've never been to a birthday party for a deceased child, but I'd love to honor him in this way. How can I help? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Having a birthday party for a dead child is “weird”

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Prayer is appreciated… ...When it has been invited. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Prayer is appreciated…when it has been invited

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Happy Birthday little one. You are loved, missed, and celebrated. (birthday wishes for deceased loved one card)

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Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Our nest feels emptier without you here" in black lettering above a scene with two birds sitting on a nest, nestled in green grass

Our nest feels emptier without you here—Baby Loss Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

We don’t have to meet every deadline. We don’t have to greet every day with a perfect smile. Some days require all of my energy to throw back the covers and put my feet on the floor. And on those days, that is my something. And on others, I have learned to bargain. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

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Thinking of you on your child’s birthday [Blank inside] (birthday wishes after death card)

If you genuinely want to comfort a grieving person, remove these words from your vocabulary: “But”, “Strong”, “Brave”, “At Least”. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If you genuinely want to comfort a bereaved person, remove these words from your vocabulary

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In your arms or in your heart…Honoring you this Fathers Day (Customizable Baby Loss Fathers Day card)

Memorial birthday poem card: If they asked me to describe you, I would start with your eyes. Though I never got to see your eyes; just your long eyelashes. If they asked about your first word, I would have to shrug. (Though statistically of course, it's almost always "Dada". ) If they asked about my hopes for you, my biggest hope was always that you would have felt loved. It was important to me that you feel loved. I think about these things we've missed; these forks in other roads. I think about the life that lives on only in my mind. If they asked me to describe you, I would start with your eyes—At once both real and ambiguous,; unknowable outside of mine. Happy Birthday to my little one. You will always live in every part of my life. (Words by Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother) - Sea Glass Parenting

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Building Sandcastles in honor of a deceased child’s birthday (memorial birthday invitation)

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"Babies come when they're ready." Not always. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Babies come when they’re ready”

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: You should be thankful for the children you have. Rewritten: Parenting after loss is an eternal balance. I am always available for babysitting or help around the house if you need a break. It's okay to tend to your grief for your missing child too. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You should be thankful for the children you have

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "My beautiful child--Please know I am ALWAYS thinking of you" in dark red lettering next to a bear holding red and pink balloons

My Beautiful child—Please know I am ALWAYS thinking of you (5″ x 7″ printable)

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It’s time to move on

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Some stories simply don't have happy endings" positioned on a silver laptop on a pink background

Some stories simply don’t have happy endings—Baby Loss Awareness (sticker)

Tragedy is not a one-time event. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Tragedy is not a one-time event

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "You made me a parent and my arms ache without you" in green lettering centered on a watercolor blue and pink background with flowers and leaves in two corners

You made me a Parent, and my arms ache without you—Baby Loss Remembrance: Mother, Father, Parent (5″ x 7″ printable)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Question: "How are you?" Multiple choice answers: "Outstanding, Okay, Really hating this question". There is a check mark next to "Really hating this questions". -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

How are you?

Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility. Rewritten: Trauma is not your fault.

“Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility”

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There’s a stocking missing this Christmas—Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

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In life after loss, I hold pain and joy at the same time—Grief Awareness (5″ x 7″ printable)

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Accept that you feel helpless and you will be so much more helpful

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I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel (Customizable support card)

Memorial birthday wishes card: This year on your Birthday, I'll blow out your candles for you. And my wish will be a promise to love and remember you always. Happy Birthday to my beautiful baby boy - Sea Glass Parenting

This year on your birthday, I’ll blow out your candles for you (memorial birthday wishes card)

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At least…

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I know how you feel

My feelings are authentic and I own them completely. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My feelings are authentic and I own them completely

My daughter's birth didn't negate the existence of my son. He won't ever stop existing simply because of a living sibling. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

A Living child doesn’t negate the existence of one who is deceased

Children. Aren't. Replaceable. Speech bubbles: "Don't you have other children?" "Are you guys trying?" "Things will be so much better when your new baby gets here" "My cousin adopted" "Blah blah blah"

Children. Aren’t. Replaceable

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Someone should be building a snowman today" on a scrapbook page with an image of a snowy day

Someone should be building a snowman today—Baby Loss Winter Remembrance (sticker)

Baby loss greeting card: When the night is darkest, you are loved and I am here. - Sea Glass Parenting

When the night is darkest, you are loved (Customizable support card)

I have grown as a person since the death of my son...But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

I have grown as person through the death of my son, But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to

Notes for the Support Team - You aren't going to be perfect. Show up anyway. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You aren’t going to be perfect. Show Up Anyway.

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: He/She is with you in spirit. Rewritten: It must be so hard that he isn't physically here with you. What do you think he might be doing today if he were? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

He/She is with you in spirit

Positivity is a choice, and not one you can make for other people. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Positivity is a choice, and not one you can make for other people

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Neither Death nor Grief are “Reasonable”

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Our nest feels emptier without you here" in the corner of a silver laptop on a pink table

Our nest feels emptier without you here—Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

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When my child died, I thought about Suicide

Deceased birthday remembrance card: Thinking of you on your child's Birthday And holding you both in my heart with love. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you on your child’s birthday and holding you in my heart with love (deceased birthday remembrance card)

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Sometimes I almost “forget” he is gone

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Please Honor my Child during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (Customizable!)

Baby loss greeting card: I'm so sorry for your loss. Your child deserved a lifetime of love with you here on earth - Sea Glass Parenting

Your child deserved a lifetime of love with you here on earth (Customizable sympathy card)

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Natural vs. Safe

Sea Glass Parenting PAIL Awareness graphic: "This Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, Ask me about my child" in black text on a white background. A pink, blue, and green ribbon is centered in the image

This Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, Ask me about my Child (Facebook profile image)

Sometimes it just needs to suck. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes it Just Needs to Suck

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "In life after loss, I hold pain and joy at the same time. Life is complicated that way, as am I" on a scrapbook page with an image of a person dancing at sunset

In life after loss, I hold pain and joy at the same time—Grief Awareness (sticker)

Notes for the Bereaved - You are under no obligation to keep anyone in your life for any reason. You are allowed to protect your own peace. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are under no obligation to keep anyone in your life

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There is NO Time Limit on Grief

Baby loss greeting card: This fucking sucks. And I'm here for you in any way you need. - Sea Glass Parenting

This fucking sucks and I’m here for you (Customizable support card)

My pain has a purpose. Please stop trying to take it away from me. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My pain has a purpose

My experience feels a lot more valid when I remove all the “buts”. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My experience feels a lot more valid when I remove all the “buts”

Notes for the Bereaved - I'm not going to tell you it gets better. The truth is, for some people, it doesn't. What I will tell you is that it CAN get better. There is POTENTIAL for happier days. There is hope. I hold hope for you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I’m not going to tell you it gets better

I deserve enthusiastic support, both in life and in grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Deserve Enthusiastic Support Both in Life and Grief

Notes for the Support Team - Acknowledge bereaved parents on Mothers' and Fathers' Day. Parenthood NEVER ends. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Acknowledge Bereaved Parents on Mothers and Fathers Day

Notes for the Bereaved - You are allowed to have uncomfortable and inconvenient feelings. You are allowed to feel anger, shame, embarrassment, or guilt. You are allowed to feel jealous. Child loss is hard. Life in general is hard, and humans are imperfect creatures. Feel whatever you need to feel. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are allowed to have uncomfortable and inconvenient feelings

Notes for the Support Team - A good cheat sheet for pretty much any situation in which another human is upset: "That sounds hard." "Do you want to tell me about it?" "How can I help?" -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

A Good Cheat Sheet for Pretty Much Any Situation in Which Another Human is Upset

Original Statement: Still Grieving? Still dead. Still a parent. Rewritten statement: Always grieving. Always dead. ALWAYS a parent.

Still/Always

"Dead" is not a dirty word. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Dead” is not a dirty word (B/W)

Public Service Announcement: Back Up Your Photos. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Public Service Announcement: Back Up Your Photos

Adoption is a beautiful, beautiful thing... It is not the "solution" to the "problems" of child loss or grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Adoption is not a “solution” to the “problems” of child loss or grief

“I did it and I was fine.” This is called survivors bias. Your singular experience is neither proof nor promise that dangerous things won't hurt other people. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Survivor’s Bias

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Let's cheer you up. Rewritten: I understand your grief is heavy right now. I'd like to support you in whatever ways you need. Would you like to tell me about him? Or maybe we can go for a walk. Whatever you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Let’s cheer you up

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "I wonder who you would have dressed up this year" in white text underneath and image of a ghost holding a pumpkin and broom. The sticker is on a scrapbook page with an image of children at Halloween

I wonder who you would have dressed up as this year—Baby Loss Halloween Remembrance (sticker)

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Everywhere I go, someone is missing

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Please don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you’re prepared to hear the truth

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What doesn’t kill you…Still hurts like a bitch

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In an alternate reality, I’m planning my child’s Xth Birthday Celebration (Customizable!)

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My child should have been starting school this month (Customizable!)

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We need to talk about grief

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Death is biologically normal

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I too used to believe tragedy was the thing that happened to other people.

Baby loss thank you card: Thank you for being part of my care team. Your kindness helped make this experience more bearable for me. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thank you for being part of my care team (Customizable Grief Thank You card)

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Bereaved Live in the Real World

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Holidays are optional

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Grief is not Sadness; Sadness is not Grief

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Death isn’t something you ever “get over”

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Remembering my child(ren) this Thanksgiving and all year round—Baby Loss Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

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This Halloween there are Pumpkins missing in our house (Customizable!)

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Be Cautious of Projecting Your Feelings

There is time for everything under the sun. It is always time for grieving. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It is ALWAYS time for grieving

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“Someday” is Meaningless

Baby loss birthday card: Before I ever carried the pain, I carried you. And in my heart, I carry you still - Rachel Whalen. Thinking of you with so much love on your birthday and all year round - Sea Glass Parenting

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"1 in 160" feels like such a small number until you put it in context. For the parents of a stillborn child, 1 in 160 will always be one too many. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Stillbirth is NOT “Rare”

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Let me know what you need

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In your arms or in your heart…Honoring you this Mothers Day (Customizable Baby Loss Mothers Day card)

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I’m upset with movies and TV shows for making me think grief was just a phase

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Acts of kindness in honor of a deceased loved ones birthday (memorial birthday invitation)

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You don’t have to be a noble victim

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Sometimes there is genuinely nothing to be thankful for

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Someone should be building a snowman today (Customizable!)

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In honor of your child’s birthday, I have made a donation (customizable baby loss birthday card)

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Remembering my child(ren) this Summer and always—Baby Loss Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

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Thinking of you and your child; You are both so loved (Customizable remembrance card)

This would have been my child's first day of preschool. Adrian James, Fall 2022

This would have been my child’s first day of school (Customizable!) (shareable graphic)

Time doesn't "heal" anything, not by itself. Medical care and self-care can be healing, if desired. Time is only a measure of the length of the process. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Time doesn’t heal anything, not by itself

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As much as I hate that child loss is so common, I am thankful for community with bereaved parents like you (Customizable thank you card)

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No words will make your child’s death better (Customizable support card)

Baby loss greeting card: When the night is darkest, you are loved and I am here. - Sea Glass Parenting

I would paint the sky with their names if I could (Customizable remembrance card)

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Someone should be jumping in Autumn leaves today—Baby Loss Fall Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

I'm lighting a candle in honor of my son Adrian. 15 October is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m lighting a candle in honor of my child (Customizable!)

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Everything is going to be fine

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“Reach Out” or Reach In?

Why shouldn’t I celebrate today, when I know that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Celebrating Today because Tomorrow isn’t Guaranteed

If you ask a widow about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a spouse. If you ask a bereaved parent about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a child. ...And they are both correct. Grief is not a competition. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is not a Competition

Sea Glass Parenting Grief Awareness sticker: "Still grieving? Still dead? Still a parent?...Always grieving. Always dead. ALWAYS a parent" on a beige notebook

Still vs. Always: Grieving; Dead; My Child’s Parent—Grief Awareness (sticker)

I am as pro-choice as it is possible to be. I also believe a fetus is a person. It is possible to hold both beliefs simultaneously. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I am Pro-Choice AND I believe a fetus is a person

Life is hard, and we are all struggling at the same time. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Life is hard, and we are ALL struggling at the same time

Laughter doesn't mean the grief is over - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Laughter doesn’t mean the grief is over

Original Statement: Grief is a passage, not a place to stay. Rewritten: Grief IS. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is a Passage, not a Place to Stay

Virtual memorial birthday invitation: On the birthday of a deceased child, one of the most comforting things can be gathering together to talk and share memories. This customizable cake-and-balloons-themed invitation invites your friends and family to join you for a virtual celebration. Download and edit on your own computer, or visit the Canva template link below to customize in Canva. - Sea Glass Parenting

Virtual memorial birthday celebration (virtual memorial birthday invitation)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "'Rare' is little comfort when it happens to you. #StillbirthBreakTheSilence". Sticker is on a white notebook

‘Rare’ is little comfort when it happens to you—Stillbirth break the silence; 1 in 160 (sticker)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "[Insert name] I would the sky with your name if I could" in white lettering on a background of dark blue and purple starry sky

I would paint the sky with your name if I could—Baby Loss Remembrance (Customizable!) (5″ x 7″ printable)

One of the hardest parts about pregnancy and parenting after loss: Not knowing if the children born after loss would still exist if the loss hadn't happened. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If my loss hadn’t happened, would my subsequent child still be here?

Baby loss greeting card: I am so sorry for the death of your child. There is no place in this world or out of it that is better than in your arms. - Sea Glass Parenting

There is no better place than in your arms (Customizable sympathy card)

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Nothing can make up for the loss of your child, so I will sit with you while it hurts (Customizable support card)

Baby loss thank you card: I met you on the worst day of my life, and you helped make it more bearable for me. Thank you for being part of my care team. - Sea Glass Parenting

I met you on the worst day of my life and you helped make it more bearable for me (Customizable Grief Thank You card)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "I wonder who you would have dressed up as this year" in white lettering above an image of a white ghost wearing a witch's hat and carrying a pumpkin bucket and straw broom, against a background of a dark blue Halloween night

I wonder who you would have dressed up as this year—Baby loss Halloween remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

"It's okay to not be okay as long as you don't stay that way" Rewritten: It's okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to not be okay (as long as you don’t stay that way)

Sea Glass Parenting Grief Awareness print: "Sharing about my deceased child doesn't mean I'm stuck or broken or even that I'm actively hurting. It simply means I am a parent. - Miranda Hernandez" in blue lettering with a pastel-colored ocean-themed frame

Sharing about my deceased child simply means I am a parent—Grief Awareness (5″ x 7″ printable)

I think one of the things I've learned over the past few years since my son's death is that you never know what anyone else is going through. Even people who post on social media. Even people who are close. People keep a lot of pain below the surface. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

We have no idea what other people are going through

My son Adrian James should have been going back to school this week too. Sea Glass Parenting

My child should have been going back to school this week too (Customizable!)

Baby loss greeting card: I love you…so much. I'm so sorry for your loss. - Sea Glass Parenting

I love you so much. I’m so sorry for your loss. (Customizable sympathy card)

Notes for the support team - Nobody is born knowing how to deal with grief. We are all just figuring it out along the way.

Nobody is born knowing how to deal with grief

Notes for the Bereaved - Of course you miss them! They are gone, and they shouldn't be. Don't ever feel ashamed for that. There is no time limit on grief. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Of course you miss them!

Dear Prenatal Provider— Please educate your patients about stillbirth. We deserve to know the facts. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Dear Prenatal Provider—Please educate your patients about stillbirth

This May is my 5th Mothers Day. Thank you for remembering and honoring both my children this year. - Sea Glass Parenting customizable graphics

This is my Xth Mothers Day. Thank you for remembering me. (Customizable!)

Informed Pregnancy Brochure describing my experience going overdue in pregnancy and outlining risks and warning signs of problems in pregnancy (side 1)

My Experience Going Overdue in Pregnancy (Brochure)

Statement: You're so strong. Response: Inside I am dying.

You’re so Strong!

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I would never survive it. Rewritten: I haven't experienced your pain, so I can only imagine what it feels like. I am here for you though, if you ever want to talk about your experience or your child. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I would never survive it

There are stockings missing this Christmas - Sea Glass Parenting

There are stockings missing this Christmas (Customizable!)

Notes for the Support Team - Pregnancy after loss is one of the most beautifully life-affirming and also simultaneously terrifying events your loved ones can experience. If your loved one has shared this news with you, it is likely because they trust you. Be worthy of that trust. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Mirror Reality in Pregnancy After Loss

Thankfulness is not a cure for grief

Thinking of those who are missing this Thanksgiving and all year round. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of those who are missing this Thanksgiving (Customizable!)

Birthday message for deceased child card: Happy Birthday, [Fill in name]. I love you - Sea Glass Parenting

Happy Birthday, I love you (birthday message for deceased child card)

Notes for the Bereaved - You don’t have to "heal" if you don't want to. Grief isn't a disease. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to heal if you don’t want to

If a bereaved parent feels guilt or blame about their loss, simply telling them not to feel that way is not a solution. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If a bereaved parent feel guilt or blame about their loss…

Memorial birthday invitation: If your deceased child were alive today, how might you be celebrating their birthday? Inviting your loved ones to join you in one of your child's favorite activities is one way to keep their memory alive. Download and edit this customizable invitation on your own computer, or visit the Canva template link below to customize in Canva. - Sea Glass Parenting

Invitation to share in your deceased child’s favorite activity (memorial birthday invitation)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I can't imagine… Rewritten: Try. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I can’t imagine

My child died and I am thoroughly uninterested in being "strong" about it.

My child died, and I am thoroughly uninterested in being “strong” about it

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Missing my child this Summer and Always" next to a beige sandcastle and red bucket on a background on beach water and sand

Someone should be building a Sandcastle today—Baby Loss Summer Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Everything says it's not my fault, but does it really matter? Are you any less gone?

Can we talk about the phrase, “It’s not your fault”?

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original question: Why didn't you…? Rewritten: I have no idea what I would have done were I in your place. I will certainly never second-guess your decisions. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Why didn’t you…?

Baby loss greeting card: Wishing you the happiest of birthdays in the stars. You are loved. You are missed. You are celebrated, today and always. - Sea Glass Parenting

Wishing you the happiest of Birthdays in the stars (customizable baby loss birthday card)

Even as a bereaved parent, I still don't always know the right words to say. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

The Bereaved Don’t Always Have Words Either

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't owe anyone any explanations—not about your loss, and not about your grief. It's okay to tell people your story is none of their business. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t owe anyone any explanations

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Someone should be building a snowman today; Missing my child this Winter and Always" next to a single snowman on a background of white snow and a dark blue night sky

Someone should be building a Snowman today—Baby Loss Winter Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "I imagine you jumping in freshly-raked leaves, hunting for pinecones, and planning a picnic. These are memories we should be making. You should be here. I am thinking of and missing you this Autumn and Always" on an abstract background of pink and brown shapes with orange, green, and yellow leaves

All the Autumn memories we should be making—Missing my child in Autumn (5″ x 7″ printable)

Rare is little comfort when it happens to you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Rare” is little comfort when it happens to you

Baby loss greeting card: I'm not going to BS you by trying to make your tragedy "better," so I'm simply going to say: This sucks & I'm here. Like, REALLY here—Not only to pick up your groceries or walk your dog, but for all of the messy parts that come with loss, too: Cancelling appointments, planning a funeral—Even if you just want to call me at 3am to vent or cry or scream—You name it and I'm here. ALWAYS. - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m not going to BS you; This Sucks (Customizable support card)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Missing my Pumpkin this Halloween" with an image of a pumpkin, a ghost, and a bat. Sticker is on a scrapbook page with an image of a family at Halloween

Missing my pumpkin(s) this Halloween—Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

Notes for the Bereaved - It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s not your job to make other people feel comfortable

Memorial birthday card: On your daughter's Birthday—Although I never met her, please know your daughter made an impact on my world. And this year, on her birthday, I am thinking of you both with so much love. - Sea Glass Parenting

On your child’s birthday, please know they made an impact on my world (memorial birthday card)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Have you thought about adoption? Rewritten: I understand the idea of having children after loss is complicated. I'm never going to push you or ask you questions you aren't ready to answer. I'm here though, if you ever want to talk about it. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Have you thought about adoption?

Baby loss greeting card: Thinking of you….And holding you and your child in my heart. Please know that I love you and I am ALWAYS here for whatever you need. -Always- - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you and your child and holding you both in my heart (Customizable remembrance card)

The body keeps a calendar completely separate from the mind. Some days just have to be felt. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

The Body Keeps a Calendar Separate from the Mind

Original statement: "Positive vibes only." Rewritten: Authentic vibes only. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Positive Vibes Only”

Notes for the support team - "Good intentions" are best revealed by changing behavior you've been informed is hurtful.

“Good intentions” are best revealed by changing behavior you’ve been informed is hurtful

Baby loss greeting card: One firecracker shines so much brighter…it leaves an imprint across the sky. And the night feels forever changed. Missing and honoring your child, this year and always. - Sea Glass Parenting

One firecracker shines so much brighter, it leaves an imprint across the sky (Customizable remembrance card)

I think one of the hardest things I had to do was accept that grief isn't always overwhelming. Sometimes it just exists; present but not always screaming. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief isn’t always overwhelming

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Remembering the stockings missing this Christmas" in blue lettering above a fireplace with 3 stockings and next to a small Christmas tree

Remembering the stockings missing this Christmas—Baby Loss Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

I did not have "a stillborn". I had a stillborn CHILD; a human being. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Did not Have “A Stillborn”

You are always always ALWAYS allowed to feel how you feel, with no obligation to cheer up, look on the bright side, or snap out of it. Your feelings are valid and so are you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are always allowed to feel how you feel

Notes for the Bereaved - Sometimes the most meaningful thing anyone can say to you is "This fucking sucks." Because it does. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes the most meaningful thing anyone can say is, “This fucking sucks.”

"I'm here if you ever want to sit in awkward silence" - something good to say to people after tragedy

Support can be awkward and still be helpful

Forced positivity is toxic.

Forced Positivity is Toxic

Baby loss greeting card: There is exactly one way to grieve—Your way. I am here to support you in all the ways you need. - Sea Glass Parenting

There is exactly one way to grieve—YOUR way (Customizable support card)

I have the right to feel how I feel, for as long as I feel it, regardless of circumstances or whether someone else feels differently. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

I have the right to feel how I feel

Notes for the Support Team - When you tell me I'm "strong" or "brave", it feels less like a description, and more like a command. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

When you tell me I’m “strong” or “brave,” it feels less like a description and more like a command

Talking about my dead child isn't a "sad" thing. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Talking about my dead child isn’t a “sad” thing

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "This Halloween there are Pumpkins missing in our house" above an image of two pumpkins with a ghost and a bat

Missing my pumpkin(s) this Halloween—Baby Loss Remembrance (Customizable!) (5″ x 7″ printable)

You may find it "triggering" to hear about the death of my child. Imagine how much harder it is to live with it. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Trigger Warning

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Look on the bright side. Rewritten: I know that nothing can lessen or make up for this enormous loss, and so I won't try to point you to any bright side. Instead I will simply be here. I'm so sorry for your loss. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Look on the Bright Side

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Missing someone special at our table this year" in white lettering underneath a Thanksgiving meal and a teddy bear. Sticker is on a scrapbook page with an image of a family meal

Missing someone special at our table this year—Baby Loss Thanksgiving Remembrance (sticker)

Some things have no bright side. It's okay to acknowledge that. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Some things have no bright side

Sea Glass Parenting Stillbirth Awareness sticker: "1 in 160 is NOT rare; It's a freaking emergency. #StillbirthHappens #LetsTalkAboutIt" in a white notebook

1 in 160 isn’t ‘Rare’; It’s a Freaking Emergency—Stillbirth Awareness (sticker)

Feelings are always valid, Even when they aren’t rational; Even when they are "negative"; Even when other people wish you felt differently. Feelings are always valid. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

Feelings are ALWAYS valid

I miss the days when I still believed all you needed was a good attitude. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I miss the days when I still believed all you needed was a good attitude

Death changes you. Permanently. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Death Changes You. Permanently.

This random act of kindness performed in memory of : [fill in the blank]. Please pass the kindness along to help keep their memory alive.

This random act of kindness performed in memory of… (Customizable RAK cards)

I am thankful for my daughter and also missing my son at the same time. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Thankful AND Grieving, at the Same Time

Losing Adrian taught me what some of the relationships in my life were really made of. In some cases, it was knowledge I didn't want to know. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Loss taught me what the relationships in my life are made of

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Thinking of you on your birthday" in red print next to a bear holding pink heart-shaped balloons

Thinking of you on your Birthday—Deceased child Birthday Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Notes for the Bereaved - You are under no obligation to turn your tragedy into something beautiful. You are allowed, todays and always, simply to exist. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

No Obligation to turn Tragedy into Beauty

Close-up image of a framed print stating, "This would have been my child's first day of kindergarten, Marlowe Gordon, Fall 2022". The framed print is sitting next to a blue backpack on the front porch of brick house with a brown front door.

This would have been my child’s first day of school (Customizable!)(5″ x 7″ printable)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Family lasts as long as love—Forever" on a pink scrapbook page with an image of a family and a teddy bear

Family lasts as long as love—Forever. Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

Sometimes I'm just— Tired. An exhaustion that goes beyond the surface; an exhaustion that is more than just physical. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes, I’m just—Tired

Notes for the Bereaved - Losing a child at any age is hard. It doesn't matter how far along you were. It doesn't matter if there was anything "wrong" with the baby or if he or she would not have been compatible with life. It doesn't even matter how many other children you have, either before or after your loss. You are always, always, ALWAYS allowed to feel whatever and however you need. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Losing a child at ANY age is hard

Often when I share about my deceased child, people rush to give advice or hugs. I don't always need that, though. Often, all I really need is for you to listen. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Often all I need is for you to listen

Yes, you can parent a child even after their death. #SeaGlassParenting

Yes, you can parent a child even after their death…#SeaGlassParenting

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: He/She wouldn't want you to be sad. Rewritten: It's understandable that you are sad. He is gone and he shouldn't be. It makes sense that you will grieve as long as you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

He/She wouldn’t want you to be sad

Notes for the Support Team - Your pain is important. Their pain is MORE important. Don't ask them to bear the burden of comforting you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Your pain is important. Their pain is MORE important.

“Healing” from the death of my child is about as likely as regrowing a missing limb. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

“Healing” from the death of my child is about as likely as regrowing a missing limb.

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't have to be brave. Bravery is ALWAYS a choice. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to be brave

Sharing about my deceased child doesn't mean that I'm stuck or broken or even that I am hurting. It simply means I am a parent.

Parenting in Loss; Sharing about my Deceased Child

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