You can’t order someone to feel a certain way

Miranda Hernandez

Simply telling someone not to feel a certain way will never have the desired result. Instead, ask questions about their feelings. Acknowledge and understand without trying to change.

Ways to acknowledge:

That sounds really heavy.
Would you like to talk about it?
I want to help. Can I bring you dinner on Thursday?
This sucks.

Ways to minimize:

Look on the bright side.
When my cat died/when I got divorced…
It isn’t all that bad.
What is this experience trying to teach you?

Be cognizant of all of these things.

Notes for the Support Team:
Simply telling someone not to feel a certain way will never have the desired result. Instead, ask questions about their feelings. Acknowledge and understand without trying to change.

Related Posts:

Write Your Grief: I Love You. Please.
Miranda’s Blog: Understanding
Graphics Blog: The Words We Use Matter
Resources Blog: Scripts for Bereaved Parents

Downloadable graphics for “Notes for the Support Team: “You can’t order someone to feel a certain way””:

Shareable graphics and memes about child loss & grief, pregnancy & parenting after loss, grieving without god, life & authenticity, and informed pregnancy.
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Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: He/She wouldn't want you to be sad. Rewritten: It's understandable that you are sad. He is gone and he shouldn't be. It makes sense that you will grieve as long as you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

He/She wouldn’t want you to be sad

We don’t have to meet every deadline. We don’t have to greet every day with a perfect smile. Some days require all of my energy to throw back the covers and put my feet on the floor. And on those days, that is my something. And on others, I have learned to bargain. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

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Grief isn’t sadness. Grief isn’t loss. Grief is what lives in those left behind. -Miranda Hernandez. Adrian's Mother

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Memorial birthday card: On your daughter's Birthday—Although I never met her, please know your daughter made an impact on my world. And this year, on her birthday, I am thinking of you both with so much love. - Sea Glass Parenting

On your child’s birthday, please know they made an impact on my world (memorial birthday card)

Baby loss greeting card: When the night is darkest, you are loved and I am here. - Sea Glass Parenting

I would paint the sky with their names if I could (Customizable remembrance card)

Baby loss greeting card: In your arms or in your heart, Honoring your fatherhood on Fathers Day and always. - Sea Glass Parenting

In your arms or in your heart…Honoring you this Fathers Day (Customizable Baby Loss Fathers Day card)

I deserve enthusiastic support, both in life and in grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Deserve Enthusiastic Support Both in Life and Grief

Sometimes it just needs to suck. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes it Just Needs to Suck

Notes for the Bereaved - Sometimes the most meaningful thing anyone can say to you is "This fucking sucks." Because it does. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes the most meaningful thing anyone can say is, “This fucking sucks.”

My experience feels a lot more valid when I remove all the “buts”. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My experience feels a lot more valid when I remove all the “buts”

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "You made me a parent and my arms ache without you" in green lettering centered on a watercolor blue and pink background with flowers and leaves in two corners

You made me a Parent, and my arms ache without you—Baby Loss Remembrance: Mother, Father, Parent (5″ x 7″ printable)

Losing Adrian taught me what some of the relationships in my life were really made of. In some cases, it was knowledge I didn't want to know. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Loss taught me what the relationships in my life are made of

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Remembering my child at Thanksgiving and all year round" in white lettering on a brown table underneath a Thanksgiving meal

Remembering my child(ren) this Thanksgiving and all year round—Baby Loss Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Let me know if I can do anything for you. Rewritten: Can I bring you dinner this evening? Can I help you with the laundry? I'm going to the store this evening; can I bring you anything? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Let me know what you need

The most biologically normal thing in the world is death. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Death is biologically normal

Sometimes I almost "forget" he is gone... And that is its own kind of hurt. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes I almost “forget” he is gone

Prayer is appreciated… ...When it has been invited. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Prayer is appreciated…when it has been invited

Sometimes I feel like the bereaved live in the "real world" and everyone else lives in the fantasy. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Bereaved Live in the Real World

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Someone should be building a snowman today; Missing my child this Winter and Always" next to a single snowman on a background of white snow and a dark blue night sky

Someone should be building a Snowman today—Baby Loss Winter Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Baby loss greeting card: I'm not going to BS you by trying to make your tragedy "better," so I'm simply going to say: This sucks & I'm here. Like, REALLY here—Not only to pick up your groceries or walk your dog, but for all of the messy parts that come with loss, too: Cancelling appointments, planning a funeral—Even if you just want to call me at 3am to vent or cry or scream—You name it and I'm here. ALWAYS. - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m not going to BS you; This Sucks (Customizable support card)

Notes for the Bereaved - You are under no obligation to keep anyone in your life for any reason. You are allowed to protect your own peace. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are under no obligation to keep anyone in your life

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I know how you feel… Rewritten: I don't know how you feel, but I'm here to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I know how you feel

Baby loss greeting card: Thinking of you and your child. You are both so loved. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you and your child; You are both so loved (Customizable remembrance card)

Why shouldn’t I celebrate today, when I know that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Celebrating Today because Tomorrow isn’t Guaranteed

Sea Glass Parenting baby loss remembrance shareable Instagram post: "I wonder who you would have dressed up as this year" in white text next to a cute ghost wearing a witch's hat, and carrying a broom and a pumpkin on a background of a dark Halloween night

I wonder who you have would have dressed up this Halloween

Please don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you’re prepared to hear the truth.

Please don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you’re prepared to hear the truth

Refusing to talk about or even consider that death happens is not going to keep it from happening. Death isn't Rumpelstiltskin. It doesn't work that way. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Refusing to Talk About Death; Death Isn’t Rumpelstiltskin

Original Statement: Still Grieving? Still dead. Still a parent. Rewritten statement: Always grieving. Always dead. ALWAYS a parent.

Still/Always

Image of front side of "Planning your Baby's Funeral or Memorial Service" brochure

Planning your Baby’s Funeral or Memorial Service (Printable brochure and checklist)

Holidays are optional - Sea Glass Parenting

Holidays are optional

Memorial birthday invitation: If your deceased child were alive today, how might you be celebrating their birthday? Inviting your loved ones to join you in one of your child's favorite activities is one way to keep their memory alive. Download and edit this customizable invitation on your own computer, or visit the Canva template link below to customize in Canva. - Sea Glass Parenting

Invitation to share in your deceased child’s favorite activity (memorial birthday invitation)

Baby loss greeting card: Thinking of you….And holding you and your child in my heart. Please know that I love you and I am ALWAYS here for whatever you need. -Always- - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you and your child and holding you both in my heart (Customizable remembrance card)

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't owe anyone any explanations—not about your loss, and not about your grief. It's okay to tell people your story is none of their business. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t owe anyone any explanations

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Missing someone special at our table this year" in white lettering underneath a Thanksgiving meal and a teddy bear. Sticker is on a scrapbook page with an image of a family meal

Missing someone special at our table this year—Baby Loss Thanksgiving Remembrance (sticker)

I have the right to feel how I feel, for as long as I feel it, regardless of circumstances or whether someone else feels differently. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

I have the right to feel how I feel

Baby loss birthday card: Before I ever carried the pain, I carried you. And in my heart, I carry you still - Rachel Whalen. Thinking of you with so much love on your birthday and all year round - Sea Glass Parenting

Before I ever carried the pain, I carried you. And in my heart, I carry you still – Rachel Whalen (baby loss birthday card)

Sea Glass Parenting Stillbirth Awareness sticker: "1 in 160 is NOT rare; It's a freaking emergency. #StillbirthHappens #LetsTalkAboutIt" in a white notebook

1 in 160 isn’t ‘Rare’; It’s a Freaking Emergency—Stillbirth Awareness (sticker)

Public Service Announcement: Back Up Your Photos. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Public Service Announcement: Back Up Your Photos

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original Statement: Having a birthday party for a dead child is weird. Rewritten: I've never been to a birthday party for a deceased child, but I'd love to honor him in this way. How can I help? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Having a birthday party for a dead child is “weird”

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What doesn’t kill you…Still hurts like a bitch

Original Statement: Grief is a passage, not a place to stay. Rewritten: Grief IS. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is a Passage, not a Place to Stay

My feelings are authentic and I own them completely. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My feelings are authentic and I own them completely

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original question: Why didn't you…? Rewritten: I have no idea what I would have done were I in your place. I will certainly never second-guess your decisions. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Why didn’t you…?

Statement: You're so strong. Response: Inside I am dying.

You’re so Strong!

Birthday wishes for deceased loved one card: Happy Birthday little one. You are loved; You are missed. You are celebrated, today and always. Wishing you the happiest of birthdays - Sea Glass Parenting

Happy Birthday little one. You are loved, missed, and celebrated. (birthday wishes for deceased loved one card)

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I would never survive it

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I am Sea Glass Parent; Parenting my child after their death

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Someone should be building a snowman today (Customizable!)

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It’s time to move on

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How are you?

Mothers Day after loss greeting card: In your arms or in your heart, Honoring you on Mothers Day - Sea Glass Parenting

In your arms or in your heart…Honoring you this Mothers Day (Customizable Baby Loss Mothers Day card)

Baby loss greeting card: As much as I hate that the experience of child loss is so common, I am also thankful for the companionship and community I've found with fellow bereaved parents like you. Thank you for being one of the good parts of my new world. - Sea Glass Parenting

As much as I hate that child loss is so common, I am thankful for community with bereaved parents like you (Customizable thank you card)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "There's a stocking missing this Christmas" in a scrapbook with an image of a Christmas tree

There’s a stocking missing this Christmas—Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

Laughter doesn't mean the grief is over - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Laughter doesn’t mean the grief is over

Death changes you. Permanently. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Death Changes You. Permanently.

Notes for the Support Team - Your pain is important. Their pain is MORE important. Don't ask them to bear the burden of comforting you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Your pain is important. Their pain is MORE important.

“Healing” from the death of my child is about as likely as regrowing a missing limb. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

“Healing” from the death of my child is about as likely as regrowing a missing limb.

Memorial birthday invitation: If beaches and sandcastles remind you on your deceased child, this memorial birthday invitation is the perfect way to honor them on their birthday. Download and edit on your own computer, or visit the Canva template link below to customize in Canva. - Sea Glass Parenting

Building Sandcastles in honor of a deceased child’s birthday (memorial birthday invitation)

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Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Missing my Pumpkin this Halloween" with an image of a pumpkin, a ghost, and a bat. Sticker is on a scrapbook page with an image of a family at Halloween

Missing my pumpkin(s) this Halloween—Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

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“Rare” is little comfort when it happens to you

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Have you thought about adoption?

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "'Rare' is little comfort when it happens to you. #StillbirthBreakTheSilence". Sticker is on a white notebook

‘Rare’ is little comfort when it happens to you—Stillbirth break the silence; 1 in 160 (sticker)

Baby loss greeting card: One firecracker shines so much brighter…it leaves an imprint across the sky. And the night feels forever changed. Missing and honoring your child, this year and always. - Sea Glass Parenting

One firecracker shines so much brighter, it leaves an imprint across the sky (Customizable remembrance card)

Feelings are always valid, Even when they aren’t rational; Even when they are "negative"; Even when other people wish you felt differently. Feelings are always valid. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

Feelings are ALWAYS valid

I did not have "a stillborn". I had a stillborn CHILD; a human being. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Did not Have “A Stillborn”

The body keeps a calendar completely separate from the mind. Some days just have to be felt. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

The Body Keeps a Calendar Separate from the Mind

Often when I share about my deceased child, people rush to give advice or hugs. I don't always need that, though. Often, all I really need is for you to listen. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Often all I need is for you to listen

I miss the days when I still believed all you needed was a good attitude. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I miss the days when I still believed all you needed was a good attitude

The month of October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. Honoring all children lost too soon, including my child: [fill in the blank] - Sea Glass Parenting

Please Honor my Child during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (Customizable!)

I constantly wish someone had told me stillbirth was SO VERY COMMON. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I Wish Someone Had Told Me Stillbirth Was So Common

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Comfort after Loss print: "When the night is darkest, Remember you are loved" in white words across a dark background of clouds and stars

When the night is darkest, Remember you are loved—Baby Loss Comfort (5″ x 7″ printable)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Someone should be building a snowman today" on a scrapbook page with an image of a snowy day

Someone should be building a snowman today—Baby Loss Winter Remembrance (sticker)

Life is hard, and we are all struggling at the same time. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Life is hard, and we are ALL struggling at the same time

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: It wasn't your fault. Rewritten: I understand emotions can be complicated, and I'm never going to tell you how you should feel. I am here though, if you ever want to talk about things. I will always be an ear to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It wasn’t your fault

There is time for everything under the sun. It is always time for grieving. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It is ALWAYS time for grieving

Dear Prenatal Provider— Please educate your patients about stillbirth. We deserve to know the facts. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Dear Prenatal Provider—Please educate your patients about stillbirth

Notes for the Support Team - A good cheat sheet for pretty much any situation in which another human is upset: "That sounds hard." "Do you want to tell me about it?" "How can I help?" -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

A Good Cheat Sheet for Pretty Much Any Situation in Which Another Human is Upset

Notes for the Bereaved - It is not your job to make other people feel comfortable. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s not your job to make other people feel comfortable

Notes for the Support Team - It's easy to disappear in times of tragedy. It's hard to live with yourself afterwards. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

It’s Both Easy & Hard to Disappear After Loss

Sometimes there is genuinely nothing to be thankful for. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes there is genuinely nothing to be thankful for

Notes for the Bereaved - You are allowed to have uncomfortable and inconvenient feelings. You are allowed to feel anger, shame, embarrassment, or guilt. You are allowed to feel jealous. Child loss is hard. Life in general is hard, and humans are imperfect creatures. Feel whatever you need to feel. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are allowed to have uncomfortable and inconvenient feelings

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "I wonder who you would have dressed up as this year" in white lettering above an image of a white ghost wearing a witch's hat and carrying a pumpkin bucket and straw broom, against a background of a dark blue Halloween night

I wonder who you would have dressed up as this year—Baby loss Halloween remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

We need to talk about grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

We need to talk about grief

My child died and I am thoroughly uninterested in being "strong" about it.

My child died, and I am thoroughly uninterested in being “strong” about it

Thinking of those who are missing this Thanksgiving and all year round. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of those who are missing this Thanksgiving (Customizable!)

Memorial birthday poem card: If they asked me to describe you, I would start with your eyes. Though I never got to see your eyes; just your long eyelashes. If they asked about your first word, I would have to shrug. (Though statistically of course, it's almost always "Dada". ) If they asked about my hopes for you, my biggest hope was always that you would have felt loved. It was important to me that you feel loved. I think about these things we've missed; these forks in other roads. I think about the life that lives on only in my mind. If they asked me to describe you, I would start with your eyes—At once both real and ambiguous,; unknowable outside of mine. Happy Birthday to my little one. You will always live in every part of my life. (Words by Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother) - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you on your birthday; and all the memories we’ve missed (memorial birthday poem card)

Thankfulness is not a cure for grief

I think one of the things I've learned over the past few years since my son's death is that you never know what anyone else is going through. Even people who post on social media. Even people who are close. People keep a lot of pain below the surface. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

We have no idea what other people are going through

Baby loss greeting card: I'm not going to pretend to know how you feel. I am here to listen though, if you ever want to talk or cry or scream. -Always- - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel (Customizable support card)

My son Adrian James should have been going back to school this week too. Sea Glass Parenting

My child should have been going back to school this week too (Customizable!)

Baby loss greeting card: I'm so sorry for your loss. Your child deserved a lifetime of love with you here on earth - Sea Glass Parenting

Your child deserved a lifetime of love with you here on earth (Customizable sympathy card)

Sometimes I'm just— Tired. An exhaustion that goes beyond the surface; an exhaustion that is more than just physical. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Sometimes, I’m just—Tired

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Everything is going to be fine

Baby loss greeting card: This fucking sucks. And I'm here for you in any way you need. - Sea Glass Parenting

This fucking sucks and I’m here for you (Customizable support card)

“I did it and I was fine.” This is called survivors bias. Your singular experience is neither proof nor promise that dangerous things won't hurt other people. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Survivor’s Bias

Memorial birthday wishes card: This year on your Birthday, I'll blow out your candles for you. And my wish will be a promise to love and remember you always. Happy Birthday to my beautiful baby boy - Sea Glass Parenting

This year on your birthday, I’ll blow out your candles for you (memorial birthday wishes card)

If you ask a widow about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a spouse. If you ask a bereaved parent about the worst kind of grief, they are going to say it’s losing a child. ...And they are both correct. Grief is not a competition. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is not a Competition

If you genuinely want to comfort a grieving person, remove these words from your vocabulary: “But”, “Strong”, “Brave”, “At Least”. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If you genuinely want to comfort a bereaved person, remove these words from your vocabulary

Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility. Rewritten: Trauma is not your fault.

“Trauma is not your fault, but healing is your responsibility”

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Happy Birthday little one. You are loved; You are missed; You are celebrated, today and always" in maroon lettering on a blue background underneath a banner spelling out Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday little one. You are loved, missed, and celebrated—Birthday wishes for deceased child (5″ x 7″ printable)

Baby loss greeting card: Wishing you the happiest of birthdays in the stars. You are loved. You are missed. You are celebrated, today and always. - Sea Glass Parenting

Wishing you the happiest of Birthdays in the stars (customizable baby loss birthday card)

Close-up image of a framed print stating, "This would have been my child's first day of kindergarten, Marlowe Gordon, Fall 2022". The framed print is sitting next to a blue backpack on the front porch of brick house with a brown front door.

This would have been my child’s first day of school (Customizable!)(5″ x 7″ printable)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "This Halloween there are Pumpkins missing in our house" above an image of two pumpkins with a ghost and a bat

Missing my pumpkin(s) this Halloween—Baby Loss Remembrance (Customizable!) (5″ x 7″ printable)

Children. Aren't. Replaceable. Speech bubbles: "Don't you have other children?" "Are you guys trying?" "Things will be so much better when your new baby gets here" "My cousin adopted" "Blah blah blah"

Children. Aren’t. Replaceable

This would have been my child's first day of preschool. Adrian James, Fall 2022

This would have been my child’s first day of school (Customizable!) (shareable graphic)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Missing my child this Summer and Always" next to a yellow ducky float and beach ball and underneath the edge of a swimming pool on a cobblestones background

Remembering my child(ren) this Summer and always—Baby Loss Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Let's cheer you up. Rewritten: I understand your grief is heavy right now. I'd like to support you in whatever ways you need. Would you like to tell me about him? Or maybe we can go for a walk. Whatever you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Let’s cheer you up

Death isn’t something you ever “get over”. It’s something you integrate, and then reintegrate again and again. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

Death isn’t something you ever “get over”

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "My beautiful child--Please know I am ALWAYS thinking of you" in dark red lettering next to a bear holding red and pink balloons

My Beautiful child—Please know I am ALWAYS thinking of you (5″ x 7″ printable)

Notes for the Support Team: Nothing makes it better, but doing nothing makes it worse. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Nothing you can do or say will make it “better”…But DOING nothing will make it worse

"Dead" is not a dirty word. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Dead” is not a dirty word (B/W)

My child should have been starting preschool this month. #StillbirthSucks - Sea Glass Parenting

My child should have been starting school this month (Customizable!)

Gentle wishes for bereaved Dads on Father's Day. May the day be kind. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Father’s Day

Memorial birthday card: One of the most beautiful ways to honor a deceased loved one on their birthday is to perform acts of kindness for other people. Use this customizable card to invite your loved ones to perform acts of kindness with you. - Sea Glass Parenting

Acts of kindness in honor of a deceased loved ones birthday (memorial birthday invitation)

Some things have no bright side. It's okay to acknowledge that. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Some things have no bright side

"Babies come when they're ready." Not always. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Babies come when they’re ready”

This Halloween there are pumpkins missing in our house - Sea Glass Parenting

This Halloween there are Pumpkins missing in our house (Customizable!)

Notes for the Support Team - When you tell me I'm "strong" or "brave", it feels less like a description, and more like a command. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

When you tell me I’m “strong” or “brave,” it feels less like a description and more like a command

Even as a bereaved parent, I still don't always know the right words to say. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

The Bereaved Don’t Always Have Words Either

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't have to be brave. Bravery is ALWAYS a choice. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to be brave

Thanksgiving can be hard when you're grieving. It's okay if you don't feel like being thankful this year. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Thanksgiving can be hard when you’re grieving

When my child died, I thought about suicide - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Elephant

When my child died, I thought about Suicide

Birthday message for deceased child card: Happy Birthday, [Fill in name]. I love you - Sea Glass Parenting

Happy Birthday, I love you (birthday message for deceased child card)

Birthday wishes after death card: Thinking of you with love on your child's Birthday. [Blank inside.] - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you on your child’s birthday [Blank inside] (birthday wishes after death card)

Baby loss greeting card: In honor of the birthday of [fill in the blank], I have made a donation to [fill in the blank] - Sea Glass Parenting

In honor of your child’s birthday, I have made a donation (customizable baby loss birthday card)

Everywhere I go, someone is missing - Sea Glass Parenting

Everywhere I go, someone is missing

Sea Glass Parenting Grief Awareness print: "Sharing about my deceased child doesn't mean I'm stuck or broken or even that I'm actively hurting. It simply means I am a parent. - Miranda Hernandez" in blue lettering with a pastel-colored ocean-themed frame

Sharing about my deceased child simply means I am a parent—Grief Awareness (5″ x 7″ printable)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: He/She is with you in spirit. Rewritten: It must be so hard that he isn't physically here with you. What do you think he might be doing today if he were? -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

He/She is with you in spirit

"It's okay to not be okay as long as you don't stay that way" Rewritten: It's okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to not be okay (as long as you don’t stay that way)

I'm lighting a candle in honor of my son Adrian. 15 October is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. - Sea Glass Parenting

I’m lighting a candle in honor of my child (Customizable!)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Someone should be jumping in Autumn leaves today" in brown lettering on a background of green hills, a bare tree, and a pile of orange, red, and brown leaves

Someone should be jumping in Autumn leaves today—Baby Loss Fall Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "[Insert name] I would the sky with your name if I could" in white lettering on a background of dark blue and purple starry sky

I would paint the sky with your name if I could—Baby Loss Remembrance (Customizable!) (5″ x 7″ printable)

If a bereaved parent feels guilt or blame about their loss, simply telling them not to feel that way is not a solution. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If a bereaved parent feel guilt or blame about their loss…

Customizable baby loss birthday memes: In an alternate reality, I'm planning Adrian's 5th birthday celebration - Sea Glass Parenting

In an alternate reality, I’m planning my child’s Xth Birthday Celebration (Customizable!)

Notes for the Bereaved - You are under no obligation to turn your tragedy into something beautiful. You are allowed, todays and always, simply to exist. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

No Obligation to turn Tragedy into Beauty

Adoption is a beautiful, beautiful thing... It is not the "solution" to the "problems" of child loss or grief. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Adoption is not a “solution” to the “problems” of child loss or grief

Notes for the Bereaved - You don’t have to "heal" if you don't want to. Grief isn't a disease. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to heal if you don’t want to

I am thankful for my daughter and also missing my son at the same time. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Thankful AND Grieving, at the Same Time

There are stockings missing this Christmas - Sea Glass Parenting

There are stockings missing this Christmas (Customizable!)

I will always wish I could have known the color of his eyes. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I will always wish I could have known the color of his eyes

Grief is a selfish time. But being selfish is not inherently wrong. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief is a selfish time…And it should be

Baby loss greeting card: There is exactly one way to grieve—Your way. I am here to support you in all the ways you need. - Sea Glass Parenting

There is exactly one way to grieve—YOUR way (Customizable support card)

Sea Glass Parenting Grief Awareness sticker: "Sharing about my deceased child doesn't mean I'm stuck or broken or even that I'm actively hurting. It simply means I am a parent - Miranda Hernandez" in blue lettering on a white backdrop with a pastel ocean-themed border. Sticker is in the upper right corner of a silver laptop on a pink background

Sharing about my deceased child simply means I am a parent—Grief Awareness (sticker)

What is safe is not always natural & What is natural is not always safe. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Natural vs. Safe

I have grown as a person since the death of my son...But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

I have grown as person through the death of my son, But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to

Baby loss greeting card: I love you…so much. I'm so sorry for your loss. - Sea Glass Parenting

I love you so much. I’m so sorry for your loss. (Customizable sympathy card)

My daughter's birth didn't negate the existence of my son. He won't ever stop existing simply because of a living sibling. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

A Living child doesn’t negate the existence of one who is deceased

Notes for the Bereaved - I'm not going to tell you it gets better. The truth is, for some people, it doesn't. What I will tell you is that it CAN get better. There is POTENTIAL for happier days. There is hope. I hold hope for you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I’m not going to tell you it gets better

Notes for the Support Team - You aren't going to be perfect. Show up anyway. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You aren’t going to be perfect. Show Up Anyway.

My pain has a purpose. Please stop trying to take it away from me. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

My pain has a purpose

Original statement: "Positive vibes only." Rewritten: Authentic vibes only. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Positive Vibes Only”

Informed Pregnancy Brochure describing my experience going overdue in pregnancy and outlining risks and warning signs of problems in pregnancy (side 1)

My Experience Going Overdue in Pregnancy (Brochure)

Sea Glass Parenting PAIL Awareness graphic: "This Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, Ask me about my child" in black text on a white background. A pink, blue, and green ribbon is centered in the image

This Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, Ask me about my Child (Facebook profile image)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Family lasts as long as love—Forever" on a pink scrapbook page with an image of a family and a teddy bear

Family lasts as long as love—Forever. Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

Deceased birthday remembrance card: Thinking of you on your child's Birthday And holding you both in my heart with love. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thinking of you on your child’s birthday and holding you in my heart with love (deceased birthday remembrance card)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I can't imagine… Rewritten: Try. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I can’t imagine

I think one of the hardest things I had to do was accept that grief isn't always overwhelming. Sometimes it just exists; present but not always screaming. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Grief isn’t always overwhelming

Talking about my dead child isn't a "sad" thing. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Talking about my dead child isn’t a “sad” thing

Sea Glass Parenting Grief Awareness print: "Still grieving? Still dead? Still a parent" - Always grieving. Always dead. Always a parent." in blue and white lettering on a gradient green-blue background

Still vs. Always: Grieving; Dead; My Child’s Parent—Grief Awareness (5″ x 7″ printable)

"I'm here if you ever want to sit in awkward silence" - something good to say to people after tragedy

Support can be awkward and still be helpful

Baby loss greeting card: When the night is darkest, you are loved and I am here. - Sea Glass Parenting

When the night is darkest, you are loved (Customizable support card)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "In life after loss, I hold pain and joy at the same time. Life is complicated that way, as am I" on a scrapbook page with an image of a person dancing at sunset

In life after loss, I hold pain and joy at the same time—Grief Awareness (sticker)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: Look on the bright side. Rewritten: I know that nothing can lessen or make up for this enormous loss, and so I won't try to point you to any bright side. Instead I will simply be here. I'm so sorry for your loss. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Look on the Bright Side

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Our nest feels emptier without you here" in black lettering above a scene with two birds sitting on a nest, nestled in green grass

Our nest feels emptier without you here—Baby Loss Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

I am as pro-choice as it is possible to be. I also believe a fetus is a person. It is possible to hold both beliefs simultaneously. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I am Pro-Choice AND I believe a fetus is a person

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: You should be thankful for the children you have. Rewritten: Parenting after loss is an eternal balance. I am always available for babysitting or help around the house if you need a break. It's okay to tend to your grief for your missing child too. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You should be thankful for the children you have

This random act of kindness performed in memory of : [fill in the blank]. Please pass the kindness along to help keep their memory alive.

This random act of kindness performed in memory of… (Customizable RAK cards)

Virtual memorial birthday invitation: On the birthday of a deceased child, one of the most comforting things can be gathering together to talk and share memories. This customizable cake-and-balloons-themed invitation invites your friends and family to join you for a virtual celebration. Download and edit on your own computer, or visit the Canva template link below to customize in Canva. - Sea Glass Parenting

Virtual memorial birthday celebration (virtual memorial birthday invitation)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "I wonder who you would have dressed up this year" in white text underneath and image of a ghost holding a pumpkin and broom. The sticker is on a scrapbook page with an image of children at Halloween

I wonder who you would have dressed up as this year—Baby Loss Halloween Remembrance (sticker)

Baby loss thank you card: I met you on the worst day of my life, and you helped make it more bearable for me. Thank you for being part of my care team. - Sea Glass Parenting

I met you on the worst day of my life and you helped make it more bearable for me (Customizable Grief Thank You card)

Baby loss greeting card: I am so sorry for the death of your child. There is no place in this world or out of it that is better than in your arms. - Sea Glass Parenting

There is no better place than in your arms (Customizable sympathy card)

Baby loss greeting card: I know that nothing can make up for this enormous loss, and so I won't point you to any non-existent 'bright side'. Instead, I will sit with you while it hurts. - Sea Glass Parenting

Nothing can make up for the loss of your child, so I will sit with you while it hurts (Customizable support card)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Some stories simply don't have happy endings" positioned on a silver laptop on a pink background

Some stories simply don’t have happy endings—Baby Loss Awareness (sticker)

Baby loss greeting card: No words will make your child's death better. So I will simply say: I'm sorry; I love you; and I'm here. - Sea Glass Parenting

No words will make your child’s death better (Customizable support card)

Notes for the Bereaved - There is NO time limit on grief. Take whatever time you need. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

There is NO Time Limit on Grief

One of the hardest parts about pregnancy and parenting after loss: Not knowing if the children born after loss would still exist if the loss hadn't happened. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

If my loss hadn’t happened, would my subsequent child still be here?

Notes for the Support Team - It's hard to feel sad and helpless when someone you love is struggling after loss. It's hard to sit there in the darkness and support them when they are most in pain. But if you can do that—your support means everything. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Accept that you feel helpless and you will be so much more helpful

"1 in 160" feels like such a small number until you put it in context. For the parents of a stillborn child, 1 in 160 will always be one too many. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Stillbirth is NOT “Rare”

Notes for the Support Team - It is far easier for you to reach in than it is for the bereaved to find the strength to "reach out".

“Reach Out” or Reach In?

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: I wish I could take your pain away. Rewritten: I understand your feelings are important. I would never want to minimize or try to take them away. I will always be here to listen. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I wish I could take your pain away

Notes for the Bereaved - You don't have to be a noble victim. You are allowed to be a fallible human being, just like the rest of the world. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You don’t have to be a noble victim

Notes for the Support Team - Acknowledge bereaved parents on Mothers' and Fathers' Day. Parenthood NEVER ends. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Acknowledge Bereaved Parents on Mothers and Fathers Day

Sea Glass Parenting Grief Awareness print: "In life after loss, I hold pain and joy at the same time. Life is complicated that way, as am I" in various fonts on a background of various colors of text boxes.

In life after loss, I hold pain and joy at the same time—Grief Awareness (5″ x 7″ printable)

Notes for the Bereaved - Losing a child at any age is hard. It doesn't matter how far along you were. It doesn't matter if there was anything "wrong" with the baby or if he or she would not have been compatible with life. It doesn't even matter how many other children you have, either before or after your loss. You are always, always, ALWAYS allowed to feel whatever and however you need. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Losing a child at ANY age is hard

Forced positivity is toxic.

Forced Positivity is Toxic

Sea Glass Parenting Grief Awareness sticker: "Still grieving? Still dead? Still a parent?...Always grieving. Always dead. ALWAYS a parent" on a beige notebook

Still vs. Always: Grieving; Dead; My Child’s Parent—Grief Awareness (sticker)

Positivity is a choice, and not one you can make for other people. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Positivity is a choice, and not one you can make for other people

I’m upset with movies and TV shows for making me think grief was just a phase. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I’m upset with movies and TV shows for making me think grief was just a phase

Tragedy is not a one-time event. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Tragedy is not a one-time event

This May is my 5th Mothers Day. Thank you for remembering and honoring both my children this year. - Sea Glass Parenting customizable graphics

This is my Xth Mothers Day. Thank you for remembering me. (Customizable!)

You are always always ALWAYS allowed to feel how you feel, with no obligation to cheer up, look on the bright side, or snap out of it. Your feelings are valid and so are you. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are always allowed to feel how you feel

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Thinking of you on your birthday" in red print next to a bear holding pink heart-shaped balloons

Thinking of you on your Birthday—Deceased child Birthday Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Baby loss thank you card: Thank you for being part of my care team. Your kindness helped make this experience more bearable for me. - Sea Glass Parenting

Thank you for being part of my care team (Customizable Grief Thank You card)

Memorial birthday invitation: A deceased child's birthday is still a birthday. Use this customizable balloon-and-cloud-themed invitation to include your loved ones in the celebration. Download and edit on your own computer, or visit the Canva template link below to customize in Canva. - Sea Glass Parenting

Toy drive in honor of a deceased child’s birthday (memorial birthday invitation)

You may find it "triggering" to hear about the death of my child. Imagine how much harder it is to live with it. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Trigger Warning

Time doesn't "heal" anything, not by itself. Medical care and self-care can be healing, if desired. Time is only a measure of the length of the process. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Time doesn’t heal anything, not by itself

Notes for the Bereaved - Of course you miss them! They are gone, and they shouldn't be. Don't ever feel ashamed for that. There is no time limit on grief. - Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Of course you miss them!

Notes for the Support Team - Be cautious of projecting your experience or your feelings onto your loved one. Even under similar circumstances, their experience is likely to be different than yours. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Be Cautious of Projecting Your Feelings

You are under no obligation to be healed—Not today, and not at any point in the future. It is always always ALWAYS okay not to be okay. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

You are under no obligation to be healed

Yes, you can parent a child even after their death. #SeaGlassParenting

Yes, you can parent a child even after their death…#SeaGlassParenting

I too used to believe tragedy was the thing that happened to other people. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

I too used to believe tragedy was the thing that happened to other people.

Notes for the Support Team - Pregnancy after loss is one of the most beautifully life-affirming and also simultaneously terrifying events your loved ones can experience. If your loved one has shared this news with you, it is likely because they trust you. Be worthy of that trust. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

Mirror Reality in Pregnancy After Loss

What's with this expectation that grief should be "reasonable"? Death certainly isn't reasonable. Grieve however you need. -Miranda Hernandez Adrian's Mother

Neither Death nor Grief are “Reasonable”

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Missing my child this Summer and Always" next to a beige sandcastle and red bucket on a background on beach water and sand

Someone should be building a Sandcastle today—Baby Loss Summer Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Everything says it's not my fault, but does it really matter? Are you any less gone?

Can we talk about the phrase, “It’s not your fault”?

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "Remembering the stockings missing this Christmas" in blue lettering above a fireplace with 3 stockings and next to a small Christmas tree

Remembering the stockings missing this Christmas—Baby Loss Remembrance (5″ x 7″ printable)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance sticker: "Our nest feels emptier without you here" in the corner of a silver laptop on a pink table

Our nest feels emptier without you here—Baby Loss Remembrance (sticker)

Sea Glass Parenting Baby Loss Remembrance print: "I imagine you jumping in freshly-raked leaves, hunting for pinecones, and planning a picnic. These are memories we should be making. You should be here. I am thinking of and missing you this Autumn and Always" on an abstract background of pink and brown shapes with orange, green, and yellow leaves

All the Autumn memories we should be making—Missing my child in Autumn (5″ x 7″ printable)

Notes for the Support Team - Words Matter: Original statement: At least… Rewritten: I'm so sorry this happened to you. It isn't right or fair. Nothing can make up for the loss of your child. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

At least…

Notes for the Support Team - When someone is in the thick of grief, "someday" is pretty meaningless. Sit with them in the hard parts, today, instead. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

“Someday” is Meaningless

There is no asterisk to the things that are allowed in the grief experience. -Miranda Hernandez, Adrian's Mother

There is no Asterisk to the things Allowed in Grief

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