I have grown as person through the death of my son, But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to

Sometimes it feels like our culture idealizes those who use their loss or pain as impetus for personal growth.

“Oh, it was such a tragedy, but look how much she’s accomplished and grown!”

And yes, it’s true. I’ve become a different person since Adrian’s death. In some ways, I am a better person. (And in some ways I’m not). But regardless of any bit of growth I’ve gained, none of it is “worth it.”

My son died. His body stopped existing. I never got to feel his arms wrapped around my neck; to breathe him in as a living being.

I never got to see him take his first breath; his first steps; his first bite of ice cream.

All of this is missing.

So please, tell me how my personal growth is any compensation? Because I would give it all up in a heartbeat.

A heartbeat he wasn’t given.

I have grown as a person since the death of my son. But I would give up everything I’ve gained to have not had a reason to.

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