Missing my pumpkin this Halloween and all round; these are customizable graphics to remember your deceased child or children during Halloween.
One of the common sayings that has bothered me in the past is this sentiment of, “Just hold on. Better days are coming.” The thing is, you can’t know that for certain. Nobody can.
There seems to be this consensus in parts of the loss community that you have to move forward or “heal” from your grief. I don’t believe this is true.
I think sometimes we feel pressure to be only positive, cheerful, and focus on healing after loss. To be honest, this feels like BS to me. I’d rather focus on what may be uncomfortable, but is miles more real.
Of course you miss them! They are gone, and they shouldn’t be.
Don’t ever feel ashamed for that. There is no time limit on grief.
When I was new in my grief, I both gained and lost people…The one thing I didn’t expect was that I would have to remove some people from my life because they weren’t capable of providing support without worsening my grief.
It doesn’t matter how far along you were. It doesn’t matter if there was anything “wrong” with the baby or if he or she would not have been compatible with life. It doesn’t even matter how many other children you have, either before or after your loss. You are ALWAYS allowed to feel what you need.
“I’m here if you ever want to sit in awkward silence.”
As odd as it sounds, this is one of the most supportive messages I received after the death of my son.
e loss community is divided on this subject of guilt and fault. I know many bereaved parents find comfort in the sentiment, and I don’t seek to take that away from you. I only ask that you also acknowledge that other people may feel differently.
![The month of October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month. Honoring all children lost too soon, including my child: [fill in the blank] - Sea Glass Parenting](https://adrianselephantpanda2.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/09/30130345/Pregnancy-And-Infant-Loss-Awareness-Month-In-Honor-Of-My-Child-1-3-300x300.jpg)
The month of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. During this month, bereaved parents encourage everyone to learn about pregnancy loss and infant loss, and to remember and honor all children lost too soon.
15 October is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. By lighting a candle from 7-8pm in your local time zone, bereaved parents and families create a “wave of light” that travels around the world. Customize this graphic to honor your child lost too soon.
My child’s death didn’t end our relationship. I still parent them and honor their life and memory in my life. I am a Sea Glass Parent; Parenting my child after their death.
My son Adrian would have been starting preschool this year. This experience is yet one more of the things that stillbirth stole from our family. What about your child?
As bereaved parents, it’s natural to think about the lives our children would have lived. My son would have been a preschooler this year; what about your child?
When my son died, I thought about suicide. It’s not that I wanted to die, per se; more that I didn’t know how to go on living. How did I make sense of life again? How did I function in a world in which I barely knew my name?
We are conditioned within modern society to look for the silver lining in every crappy day. For some things, this is fine. But when it comes to extreme loss and pain, there often isn’t a bright side.
If you know a parent with both a living and deceased child, it’s something to be aware of. Because the most supportive thing you can say in that situation is to acknowledge the work that goes into raising and grieving, simultaneously.
Even in the face of great tragedy, people often feel pressured to put a positive spin on things; to find the silver lining in the dark. I won’t do with you. Sometimes the most meaningful thing anyone can say is, “This fucking sucks.” Because it does.
STILL grieving? Yes, I am still grieving. I am still grieving, because the work of grief is never done. I am still grieving, because I put into my grief what I cannot put into life with my son. I am still grieving, because he is STILL, and will always, be dead...
Before Adrian died, I had very little sense of the impact of death. It was an abstract concept to me. I had known people who had died, but nobody close enough to trigger intense grief. And so, when someone in my circle lost a child, I misunderstood.
Often, when I share about my deceased child, that’s all I’m looking for: An ear. A person to open their heart to experience. Someone to take a moment in their day to read and acknowledge, without trying to analyze me.
Loved ones often want to cheer you up after loss, but sometimes, you don’t want or need to find cheerfulness. Sometimes (often!), you need to just sit and grieve. “Let’s cheer you up” can be hurtful after loss. Acknowledgement is so much more supportive.
When someone is important in your life, you shouldn’t have to wait for them to “come around” to acknowledge and respect the things that are important to you. You deserve enthusiastic support from the very beginning. I do too. I deserve enthusiastic support, both in life and in grief.
There is a myth in our society that we need to “move on” and “heal” from loss and grief. But grief is eternal and no one understands that better than the bereaved. Acknowledge & honor this need to maintain connection even after death. Acknowledge that grief, like love, lasts as long as it needs.
If you truly want to support someone who feels guilt, fault, or blame after the death of their child, then listen, acknowledge, and mirror back to them. This is so much more powerful and authentic than any glib phrase. Please don’t tell them “It wasn’t your fault”
Sometimes the most empathetic-sounding statements can be the most unintentionally hurtful. “I would never survive it” implies you would choose death or suicide over living after the death of your child. This is a flippant thing to say. Please don’t.
While on a retreat with fellow loss parents after Adrian’s death, instead of asking “How are you?” each morning, we asked instead, “How is your morning going? How did you sleep?” And while it seems like a minor thing, it made a difference. It took the pressure off. It gave us space for honesty.
“He wouldn’t want you to be sad”—This is ridiculously untrue. Instead of telling the bereaved how to feel, or worse yet, speaking for the deceased, consider honoring both the life and the grief. Like any other authentic emotion, it is ALWAYS okay to be sad, especially after a death.
One of the many aspects included in the loss of a child are the missing milestones—first smile, first kiss, and the years in between. These physical things that can only be done by doing. These missing memories. Telling me my child is with me in spirit is NOT the same.
Adoption is an inordinately beautiful thing. It is also often used as a generic straw solution to the “problems” of child loss and infertility. Please don’t push adoption on the infertile or the bereaved. Listen to their feelings. If it’s right for them, they will bring it up when it’s time.
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