Acknowledge Bereaved Parents on Mothers and Fathers Day
April 28, 2021
Acknowledge the bereaved parents in your life in the same way you acknowledge parents of living children. Parenthood doesn’t end when children pass away.
Notes for the Support Team
I wish I could take your pain away
March 31, 2021
I think something that isn’t realized about loss is that pain after loss is sometimes important; it’s a measure of the strength of the love that remains. Instead of wanting to remove that pain, consider giving it a place. Listen without judgement. Let your loved one’s complicated feelings exist.
You aren’t going to be perfect. Show Up Anyway.
March 31, 2021
Your words may be awkward. You may stumble. You may stick in your foot in your mouth entirely. It’s still okay. What’s important is that you acknowledge the loss. That you embrace the awkwardness. That you show up anyway.
“Someday” is Meaningless
March 28, 2021
What you need to understand is that your loved one isn’t there right now; they are here. And here, today, they are hurting. As much as you want to point them to “someday,” it is so much more important to acknowledge where they are, today.
Children. Aren’t. Replaceable
March 15, 2021
Children are not replaceable. I know you probably don’t think they are…
(DO you?)
I know you probably don’t think you can grab one baby out of a parent’s arms and then give them a different one with no consequence. (You DON’T think that, right?)
But this is what we are sometimes hearing.
Time doesn’t heal anything, not by itself
November 17, 2020
They said time heals, but they lied. Time doesn’t heal. It’s only a measure of the length of the process.
If you genuinely want to comfort a bereaved person, remove these words from your vocabulary
September 13, 2020
We default to these standard phrases when seeking to comfort others in pain. Unfortunately, these phrases actually make the pain worse..
If a bereaved parent feel guilt or blame about their loss…
September 13, 2020
If a bereaved parent feels guilt or blame about their loss, simply telling them not to feel that way is not a solution. Feelings don’t work that way.
Please don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you’re prepared to hear the truth
July 27, 2020
I never really considered that question, “How are you?” until after the death of my son. And then it became the bane of my day. Please don’t ask me how I’m doing unless you’re prepared to hear the truth
“Good intentions” are best revealed by changing behavior you’ve been informed is hurtful
June 28, 2020
We are often asked to excuse hurtful behavior because the person had good intentions…An important corollary is that when someone has good intentions, they will want to make amends for any unintentional hurt. “Good intentions” are best revealed by changing behavior you’ve been informed is hurtful.
Adoption is not a “solution” to the “problems” of child loss or grief
June 21, 2020
Adoption is often held up as the “solution” to the “problems” of both child loss and grief. This is an unfortunate misunderstanding and oversimplification. Adoption is a beautiful thing. It is not, however, easy or automatic, or guaranteed. There is definitely no “just” about the process.
Everything is going to be fine
June 19, 2020
When someone you love is in pain, it’s natural to want to comfort them; to reassure them that everything will be okay. Unfortunately, when you are dealing with permanent changes like death, sometimes this simply isn’t the case.
I Did not Have “A Stillborn”
June 19, 2020
My child isn’t “a stillborn”. The term makes it seem as if he is an abstract concept; a “thing”. He’s a child, though. He was BORN. He had a funeral. He HAS a name. When I speak about him, I use the term “stillborn” as an adjective: My son is a stillborn CHILD; an individual person; a human being.
Parenting in Loss; Sharing about my Deceased Child
June 18, 2020
Sharing about my deceased child doesn’t mean that I’m stuck or broken or even that I am hurting. It simply means I am a parent.
