On 30 June 2017, my son Adrian James was stillborn at the end of a 41 week pregnancy. I went to the hospital expecting to schedule an induction, and came home with empty arms to a fully furnished nursery. My son was wanted and so very much loved, and when I lost him, I was absolutely broken.
I’ve heard it said there are no atheists in foxholes, or at funerals. I’m not an atheist, but I don’t follow formalized religion, and I don’t find comfort or need in worship of a higher power. Having not experienced much death in my life prior to the death of my son, I wondered if a close death would change my spiritual beliefs. It didn’t.
While I was at the hospital waiting to give birth, several people asked if they could pray with me. I appreciated the sentiment, and that they were providing the support they felt best able to give. I let them hold my hands and ask God for strength and peace. I felt appreciation for their love, but I didn’t feel connected to Him.
After my son was born, the nurses asked if I wanted a chaplain to bless him. I thought about this for many hours. I knew it wasn’t something I could change if I chose not to do. But in the end, it didn’t resonate with me. I didn’t feel a loss for not doing this for my son.
Back at home, I received many cards and visitors. Some were religious, and some were not. I don’t feel anger at those who talked about God’s love. I understood they too were providing support in the best way they knew how. I did feel pain at the few who talked about God’s plan, or told me that these things happen for a reason. That is not something I believe, and it makes God sound quite cruel.
Related: Miranda’s Story: Spiritual Feelings & Beliefs After the Death of my Child
When it was time to plan my son’s funeral, I was a bit lost on what to do. There are already so few examples of planning a funeral for a baby, and doing one without religion seemed especially out of the norm. I was lucky to make contact with a chaplain who worked with me to build a ceremony based on love. He used poetry instead of scripture, and never once mentioned God. And it was beautiful. It was the right way to honor my son.
Related: Adrian’s Funeral; Funeral without Religion
In the twenty months since he’s been gone, I’ve had more experiences. I’ve been told to find God, or to go to church. I’ve been told I would understand if I just believe. I don’t believe.
I don’t know where my son is now. I don’t know if we’ll meet again, or if he’s at peace. I know that I miss him with a passion I can’t put into words. I know I would have given anything, including my own life, to guarantee him life on earth.
You ask if I find comfort in the thought of him being with a higher power or at peace. I can’t say that I do. I can only say that wherever he is, he is loved, and he is real, and that is all the truth I need for me.
Related Posts:
Topic Page: Grieving Without God
Miranda’s Story: Spiritual Feelings & Beliefs After the Death of my Child
Miranda’s Blog: Grieving My Child Without God
Write Your Grief: Akhilandeshvari
Write Your Grief: Unspoken
Letters to Adrian: Mon, Jan 15, 2018, 11:32 AM
