1 January 2019

Miranda with Adrian's Elephant on the California coast
Miranda with Adrian’s Elephant on the California coast (@saltwaterandclay)

I’ve been quiet for a while. I had heard the second year after loss is more difficult, and I think I’m starting to understand. Sometimes life is simply heartbreaking. Sometimes the worst thing about heartbreak is that life still goes on.

Adrian's Elephant and his first birthday cake
Adrian’s Elephant and his first birthday cake (Miranda Hernandez)

Adrian’s birthday happened in June. I held his memorial, published his site. I never thought that meant I’d be healed, but I had hoped for some measure of peace. Instead, I fell completely apart.

Relationships became difficult, work almost impossible. I pulled on the support of everything I knew. After giving serious consideration to checking myself into the hospital, I started on antidepressants. They are one of the tools currently helping me through.

Miranda and Amy Anne
Miranda and Amy Anne (photo used with permission)

When things started to feel minutely better, I had to say goodbye to one of my strongest comforts — the beautiful soul inside my Amy Anne. For weeks afterwards, I would almost forget, looking forward to seeing her face upon coming home. Loss is hard. I will always miss her. I will always miss my son.

Trail at Pinnacles National Park
Trail at Pinnacles National Park (Miranda Hernandez)

In November I experienced another heartbreak. I don’t think dating is ever easy. I’m still working through it. I’m looking for my peace.

Charles Xavier
Charles Xavier (Miranda Hernandez)

One of the best decisions I made was adopting a second dog. He’s a toothy, shoe-stealing handful, and I love him to absolute pieces. He holds the lightest parts of my heart.

Aerial view of the Bay of Islands
Aerial view of the Bay of Islands (Miranda Hernandez)

In December, I had a break from school. I took some time to organize the house, then flew to New Zealand. It was absolutely beautiful, and I still miss the warmth. I thought I might write there, but I mostly just breathed.

~

This has been such a long year, and every time I think I’m okay, I find new heartbreak; new fears. I also find new joy.

Because the day before I said goodbye to Amy Anne, I took a chance on bringing new life into this world. And I am both terrified and ecstatic to announce that this spring, my Adrian James will become a big brother. And this is both the most scary and most beautiful thing I will ever see.

Miranda with Adrian's Elephant and Peanut's Mermaid
Miranda with Adrian’s Elephant and Peanut’s Mermaid (Two Little Starfish)

Thinking of you all with love,
-Miranda

Related:
Miranda’s Blog: The Story of Amy Anne
Miranda’s Blog: My Daughter is Not a Rainbow; My Son was Not a Storm
Miranda’s Blog: First
Miranda’s Blog: Pregnancy After Loss: A Parable
Miranda’s Blog: 13 June 2019 (needs to be posted)
Write Your Grief: Amy Anne
Write Your Grief: Three Dishes
Letters to Adrian: Fri, Oct 19, 2018, 1:08 PM
Letters to Adrian: Thu, May 2, 2019, 12:03 PM
Write Your Grief: Baby Things

💙🐘💙 Miranda’s Blog contains my thoughts on stillbirth, child loss, mental health after loss, pregnancy & parenting after loss, and thoughts on grief positivity & grief support. 💙🐘💙
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